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| Though it hurts to admit it, Health Care Reform (“HCR“) has one foot in the fryer and one in the grave. The Washington Clowns have once again seen fit to monumentally blow HCR, despite President Obama’s best efforts, much like they have bungled all of the other large-scale initiatives in both recent and distant memory. All of this has been amplified by the ratings driven media, and capped off by the election of a truck-drivin’ GOP’er in Massachusetts. Where do we stand? Glad you asked.
Taken independently, HCR should make sense and appeal to the vast majority of Americans. Prohibit the denial of insurance coverage for pre-existing conditions? Definitely. Reign in the insurance companies that make record profits from indefensible and inflated premiums? Makes sense. Do the Christian, Hebrew, Muslim, Hindu, and by gosh American thing to do, and help 20 million uninsured citizens obtain coverage? Outlook hazy. |
First we propose a new name for a new HCR agenda. Something flashy. Something that people can connect with and coalesce behind. Hmmm… Let’s call it the Heidi Inspired Health & Beauty Enhancement & Care Act or HEIDICARE, for short. What better way to pay appropriate tribute to someone lacking any discernible personal attributes or transferable work skills, and yet has somehow positioned themselves to rake in more dough than most of us will see in a lifetime. Yup, this makes total sense.
Heidi Montag, otherwise known as Heidi from The Hills, has made headlines of late for her “excessive” plastic surgery procedures (10x in one day!). Not only did she “enhance” her health care, but she’s morphed from niche teen star to media diva. After cashing in with a rumored 500K for last fall’s Playboy shoot, Heidi reportedly signed an exclusive deal with People Magazine to reveal her new self and address concerns regarding her obsessive behavior. |
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LESS HEALTH CARE. MORE HEIDICARE.
Friday, January 29th, 2010by Dr. Nate Selection
LESS FLAT TIRES. MORE ROUND TUBES.
Thursday, January 28th, 2010by The Angry Young Man
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| We’ve all been there. Late for a meeting at work, taking a quick trip to the grocery store, or maybe en route to that date with Hotty McJuggsalot, and BAM… it happens out of nowhere. Everything’s rolling along smoothly, and then you notice the car getting alarmingly sluggish. You try to power through the situation until it becomes impossible to ignore. Yup, not only do you have yourself a flat tire, but you also have a significant inconvenience and a major pain in the ass. | We say bring on the future! Where are the hovercars? Where are all the futuristic modes of transportation? No more flat tires, traffic jams, or icy roads. Those should be issues of the past. Those should be problems that our grandparents love to tell us about, spinning yarn so tight that we can scarcely believe, let alone tolerate such horrors if they were true today. Look, we’re not asking for THAT much here, we realize that Lunar travel is at least 18-24 years away. Is it too much to expect some progress though? | |||
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LESS PANTS ON THE GROUND. MORE SUITS.
Wednesday, January 27th, 2010by eConrad
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| Technically this isn’t Fashion Week (or maybe it is, we wouldn’t know), but we’re pretty sure there has never been a time when we owned (let alone wore) a pair of pants that looked ANYTHING like this. Forget pants on the ground, we’re thinking more along the lines of pants in the garbage. | We’re in the business of inspiring minds, not playing the Fashion Police, but there comes a time in every man’s life that he must step up his game. A time when he stops dressing like Marky-Mark (pre-Fear) and plays the part of James Bond. Yes, the Connery version, as if there were any other kind. | |||
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LESS THEM. MORE US.
Tuesday, January 26th, 2010by Chairman of the Bored
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| We’ve had it. We’re fed up. We’re sick & tired of this never ending blame game between our political parties. Not only is their eternal “dance” beyond unproductive, but the media’s ridiculous coverage is designed only to fuel the fire of our polarization, which in turn drives up their ratings. Enough is enough. There are some serious as sh*t issues facing humanity. If we don’t hold these elected clowns accountable, and soon, we’re all going to have a lot more major problems on our hands than Obama’s birth certificate or a few Republicans’ propensity for public restroom shenanigans. | The central problem in our country is that these joker politicians have forgotten the most basic reason for their existence. THEY WORK FOR US. Their sole function is to protect and promote the interests of their constituents. And by constituents, we mean YOU AND ME. No one else. That is why it so mind boggling that any Senator with half a conscience can possibly vote with his or her own party as often as they do. Are we really to believe that a Republican from Georgia and his local electorate are on the same page as his fellow GOP’er from Maine? We think not! | |||
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LESS SALESPEOPLE. MORE PURCHASING-ROBOTS.
Monday, January 25th, 2010by Chairman of the Bored
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| We’ve all been there. It’s a moment each and every one of us dreads, and we try like the devil to avoid. You know the situation. You head over to your local JC Penney to find that sweet pair of heather-gray wrinkle-free Dockers, and BAM!… you’re caught by the heat-seeking, laser-guided targeting system of one or more salespersons from hell. The only thing worse than shopping itself is your average salesperson’s demeanor, ineptitude, lack of product knowledge, and overall stupidity. | What if you never had to take a trip to the mall, supermarket, pharmacy or Home Depot ever again? What if, in your stead, you sent a cyborg with uncanny deal-sniffing skills and an incredibly low threshold for stupidity and inefficiency. What if you controlled a robot, who’s sole purpose was to seek and acquire the goods and services you need, sans the stress you don’t deserve? Now does that sound like something you’d be interested in? Yeah, we thought so. | |||
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LESS AWARD SHOWS. MORE REWARD SHOWS.
Friday, January 22nd, 2010by The Clever Jew
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| Awards Season is upon us! That must mean Mariah Carey is drunk, Angelina Jolie is preparing to fake-smile at Jennifer Aniston, and Jeremy Piven is having a new set of hair plugs installed. We tune in annually with glee to witness millionaires parade down the red carpet, when in actuality what we really need is loud exit-stage-left-now music to drown out the complete and utter stupidity of it all. | Instead of gathering for this ridiculous glorification of wealthy prima donnas, we propose a new series of REWARD SHOWS that recognize truly deserving citizens. No, not the citizens deserving of scorn, like Mayor Palin supporters (must click), but the people who give of themselves and enrich the lives of others. You know, like coffee baristas, shoe salesmen, and teeth-whitening technicians. | |||
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LESS ANALOG. MORE JETSONS.
Thursday, January 21st, 2010by Chairman of the Bored
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| Have you ever been completely grossed out by the prospect of touching any surface in a bathroom that isn’t yours? Have you ever been forced to use the public loo in an establishment better known for it’s Dollar Menu than it’s progressive facilities management. Have you ever tested the absolute limits of your digestive system in a desperate attempt to avoid relieving yourself before reaching the safety of your own home? If you’ve answered yes to any of the aforementioned questions, congratulations! You’re not alone. | With all due respect to American patriots everywhere, we could certainly learn a thing or two from our colleagues across the Pacific in Japan. The Land of the Rising Sun might as well be known as the Land of the Warm Water Bidet, and the next public restroom you find that isn’t fully automated might be the first. Is it really that shocking that our long time rival has bested us once again? It’s certainly no coincidence that the nation that brought us the Walkman has also cornered the market for the “Sitting-Man” (on the throne, that is). | |||
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LESS OPINION POLLS. MORE TERM LIMITS.
Wednesday, January 20th, 2010by Chairman of the Bored
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| Yesterday’s State of Mass. Hysteria disaster has only served to reinforce our fervent disdain for opinion polls. Not only do less than half of eligible voters cast their ballot in this country, but many of those who do participate in the election process possess a lower IQ than their household pet does. Combine that sad reality with the fact that the vast majority of our electorate are mere sheep following the herd, and the dangerous effects of public opinion polls become more clear (and frightening). | Ultimately, there is but one way to ensure that our politicians actually vote their conscience and look out for their constituents. TERM LIMITS. In no other profession on Earth (other than coaching football) is it acceptable to be lobbying for your next job while still employed in your current one. How can we expect anything to get done when those put in place to enact change and further our interests are wholly consumed with ensuring the success of their NEXT campaign?! | |||
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LESS COURT TV. MORE LEGALIZED DUELS.
Tuesday, January 19th, 2010by The Angry Young Man
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| Daytime television isn’t exactly the last frontier of innovative entertainment. Sure, you’ve got your garden variety soap operas (dying the slow death), the everlasting syndication of once popular, yet now unbearable sitcoms, and on a rare and excellent day, any Van Damme movie. Given that sort of scheduling fodder, it’s really no wonder that “court TV” lives on and provides us with hours of worthless programming. | Instead, why not allow our modern-day disputes to be settled the old fashioned way… via legalized dueling! Maybe to some the idea of adjudicating legal matters through combat sounds barbaric and dated, but looking at some of the cases that get paraded through court TV, can we really argue that we’re more sophisticated as a society? Nope, we’re decidedly unsophisticated. It’s time for a DUEL! | |||
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LESS PALIN ON FOX. MORE STERN TO HBO.
Friday, January 15th, 2010by Chairman of the Bored
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| The world was shocked earlier this week when Fox News announced that long-time Professor of Talking Points and former Mayor of Wasilla, Alaska, Sarah Palin, was joining the network as a roving (no, not that Rove) Contributor and Analyst. Palin was summarily “interviewed” by network stalwart and ratings hound Bill O’Reilly, where she was forced to answer hard hitting questions like “Where do you stand on butter substitutes?” and “Isn’t it true that you wear more expensive shoes than the First Lady?” | Which got us to thinking. Who could come to TV in a way that we’d all have to stop and take notice? Conclusion? The time has come for Howard Stern to sign with HBO and host his very own daily late-night talk show. With all apologies to Jon Stewart (who we LOVE), If anyone can dominate the ratings, it is the King of All Media. Not only would Howard operate without fear of censorship, but neither Letterman, nor Leno would be allowed to go anywhere near material suitable only for HBO. | |||
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LESS POLICE ACTIVITY. MORE MARIJUANA.
Thursday, January 14th, 2010by Chairman of the Bored
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| With sincere apologies to the dedicated professionals who put their lives on the line everyday in order to ‘protect and defend,’ we thank you. As in thanks, but no thanks. You see, we don’t need your help on this one. We promise to call you if and when our Town-Stoner goes on a killing spree in retaliation for the local 7/11 running out of Cheetos. Shy of that happening, KEEP OFF THE GRASS! | In this country we love taking things to extremes. There are no gray areas in the good ole’ US and A. Only right and wrong, black and white, and sometimes Cheech & Chong. Ok, maybe not that last one, but maybe our ultra polarized culture could use a toke or two in the interest of mutual understanding. American Indians didn’t call it a peace pipe for nothing, folks. If Nancy Botwin’s a fan, it can’t possibly be bad, right? | |||
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LESS INFIDEL. MORE ZINFANDEL.
Wednesday, January 13th, 2010by Chairman of the Bored
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| Far be it for us to pretend to know religion half as well as we know random movie quotes from the mid-Eighties, but we’re pretty sure we just stumbled upon the solution to world peace. | Wine is good, wine is great! Wine has it’s own God (his name is/was Dionysus and his reputation beyond stellar). Wine brings people together and gets them laid. | |||
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LESS LATE NIGHT TV. MORE NEW WAR ON TERROR.
Tuesday, January 12th, 2010by Dr. Nate Selection
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| Have you recently experienced the following sequence?
11:30 p.m. “I’m so excited! I’ve got another crappy day of work tomorrow but geez man, it’s late and I really need to get my late night comedy ON. But such a dilemma… what should I watch tonight? Hmmm, Conan, Letterman, Kimmel? Should I wait up for Fallon or that sly bastard Carson Daly? Wait a second here! What my luck, it’s Saturday night! Imma gonna git me some SNL!!! With such a diverse, heaven’s never replicated, completely original set of great comedy minds, how can I possibly go wrong, seriously.” 11:31 p.m. “Haha” 11:32 p.m. “Ha” 11:33 p.m. “What?” 11:34 p.m. “This blows, what’s on Skinemax?” 11:37 p.m. “Zzzz…”
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A great man once said, “Ask not what your comedians can do for you. Ask what your comedians can do for your country!”
As you’re aware (our readers are so informed, it’s scary), in the hills of Pakistan and Afghanistan, Al Qaeda has insulated themselves from American search teams. Like Jesse the Body said in Predator, “they’re dug in up there like an Alabama tick.” Recently, the terrorist forces have hunkered down in their caves and mudhuts in defense against unmanned aerial drones and an increased number of U.S. troops. This shift in strategy has been bolstered in part by information gathered from Al Jazeera TV, an outlet also utilized by Al Qaeda to broadcast their anti-Infidel sentiments. However, despite our obvious philosophical differences, there is some common ground here. What person, after a long day of work (terrorist scheming and Jihad-planning for some), doesn’t want to kick off his boots, nosh on some hummus, and turn on the TV? |
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LESS ADDITIONAL CHARGES. MORE FREE SERVICES.
Monday, January 11th, 2010by eConrad
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| We all bitch about them. We all pay them. Yet somehow, despite the increase in blood pressure that additional charges cause, no one seems to have an answer on how to avoid them. Until now. |
What if there was a place… a magical place chock full of amazing things that you need and want. A place with free internet access, free booze, free music, and free movies. Sound like a place you wanna relocate to? Here’s how.
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LESS TWILIGHT. MORE TEEN WOLF.
Friday, January 8th, 2010by The Angry Young Man
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| Already there’s something horribly wrong with the new decade. The first hint of trouble arrived when Vampires and Werewolves ceased to be horror icons and somehow morphed into sensitive players in a teenage love triangle. (more…) | ||
LESS OF YOUR BABY. MORE OF YOU.
Thursday, January 7th, 2010by Chairman of the Bored
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| Everyone knows at least one of these people. You know, the proud, doting parent whose entire vocabulary has morphed from that of a normal human being into that of Dustin Hoffman’s Rainman, if Rainman (god forbid) was allowed to sire children. Obsess much Mommy? | Now that’s not to say that we’re not potentially interested in what the offending parents have to say, assuming they’re a friend or at least mildly amusing. Unfortunately, co-workers struck by this phenomenon/affliction may as well disappear. They’re dead to us. | |||
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LESS WARREN BEATTY. MORE NED BEATTY.
Wednesday, January 6th, 2010by Chairman of the Bored
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| Given the recent publicity surrounding Warren Beatty’s unauthorized biography, in which the actor is purported to have slept with well over 12,000 women, we thought the topic deserved some discussion. | None of this takes into account the feelings of Beatty’s goreous wife, Annette Bening. This woman is/was an absolute specimen, so how exactly did that all too typical of conversations go between Beatty and Bening by their third date? | |||
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LESS TV APPEARANCES. MORE GOVERNANCE.
Tuesday, January 5th, 2010by The Clever Jew
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| Does it bother anyone else that the Obamas seem obsessed with being on TV more often than Ryan Seacrest, Samuel L. Jackson, or the cast of Jersey Shore? Don’t get us wrong, we really dig us some Obamas, but something feels amiss. (more…) | ||
LESS AIRLINES. MORE SMART AIRLINES.
Monday, January 4th, 2010by Chairman of the Bored
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| Dear Airlines,
How do we hate thee, let us count the ways… |
Yet not all airlines fail to “get it.” There are alternatives, unless you’re flying to Decatur, Jacksonville or El Paso. | |||
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LESS 2009. MORE 2010.
Friday, January 1st, 2010by Chairman of the Bored
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| Ok, we all get it. The period of time between 9/11/2001 and 12/31/2009 was pretty much the worst 8.75 years in U.S. History. | So what, exactly, do we have to look forward to as a new decade dawns? Do we even know what to call it? | |||
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