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| We hate to work out. We hate the gym. We hate the entire process, the whole enchilada. It starts with the wearing of the spandex, then there’s the schlepping in the freezing temps to our nearest sports club (doesn’t feel much like a club either, have you looked closely at your fellow members?). Then we have to make like a CIA operative in order to avoid the personal trainer who wants to sell us on his package (no, not THAT package). Finally, we’re forced to endure the obnoxiously perfect (and annoying) skinny girls prancing around in their more flattering spandex. Oh, and there’s the actual exercise. Blech. | It’s the year 2010. Aren’t we supposed to be teleporting to the Eiffel Tower just because we can? Where are the holodecks (ala Star Trek, The Next Generation)? These scientists are really dropping the ball here, people. It’s been like 60 years since they’ve cured any meaningful disease (baldness doesn’t count), they haven’t figured out a cost effective tattoo removal process (important for us Jews – burial purposes), and most importantly, we’re still forced to slave away at the gym like a caveman, just to lose a f*cking pound or two. We’re fed up. We demand a medical solution, the once a day, take with a full glass of water, kind. | |||
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LESS GYM. MORE MAGIC PILLS.
Friday, February 26th, 2010by The Clever Jew
LESS BIAS. MORE ACCEPTANCE.
Thursday, February 25th, 2010by Dr. Nate Selection
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| Despite the fact that my previous submissions have been fairly cynical (and wildly imaginative), I realized that I’ve failed to offer any real solutions to some of the world’s absurdities. Well, maybe it’s all that Olympic spirit flowin’ east via the jet stream, or maybe it’s this snifter filled with Rémy Martin, but today is a new day, and it’s time to lay the smack down, Goldust style.
Yup, the man with the golden kiss, openly homosexual, often hilarious, and maybe the finest American wrestler of all time (finishing a close second to our other favorite stereotyped character Tatanka, but that’s an article for another day). All of which begs the question, in the land of the “free” and home of the “brave,” what’s up with The Anti-Gay Rights Movement? Maybe the better inquiry is, could the sanctimonious defenders of everything holy possibly be any more hypocritical? Highly unlikely, especially given the conduct of these homophobes. |
So is any of this going to change? As we see it, there’s really just two viable paths here:
Admittedly, with the gridlock on Capital Hill, any Gay Congressional legislation (hahaha) will be very tough to pass. We’re more likely to see the same ole’ song and dance from Democrats. You know, the one where they lack the cajones to pick a fight with the G.O.P. Instead, it’s time for an Executive Order from the Commander-in-Chief himself. Bypass the red-tape, and BAM! Equal rights for all! Surely Fox News will label it a Marxist move by he of the invalid birth-certificate, but honestly, who gives a f*ck what they say?! |
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LESS CRAZY. MORE HORNY.
Wednesday, February 24th, 2010by Uncle Peterstain
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| We like women. No, we mean we really like women. Behind only Tempurpedic memory foam and pudding skins, they’re pretty much our favorite “things.” We generally enjoy conversations with women (the smart ones, anyway), and for the most part they’re pretty fun to be around. Sure, maybe our view is skewed by the fact that we tend to hang out with slutty girls who like to drink, smoke, and watch us play NHL ’95 on Sega Genesis, but we pretty much assume all women are just as cool. | Whatever happened to the care-free escapades of yesteryear? Don’t most men miss the horny women of the 1960’s-90’s. For one thing, the widespread availability of porn has changed the landscape. Gone is the time when a lady would eagerly strip down and let you record her singing Billie Jean in your basement. There’s too much fear over the “consequences” of that sort of reckless behavior. Oh, how we long for the days when women satisfied our (and occasionally their) urges, without regard for the aftermath. | |||
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LESS BLACK HISTORY. MORE BLACK FUTURE.
Tuesday, February 23rd, 2010by Chairman of the Bored
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| What, you thought you were going to get through the entire month of February without us talking some Black History Month? Heck no, we just figured that if we waited until the end of the month, no one would notice. Yup, race is still a sensitive issue in this country, there’s no doubt about it. Even now, with our nation’s first African-American President, it seems like we’re back in the 1950’s, what with all the insensitive and politically incorrect commentary on cable news, and the widespread shock that no one was shot and killed during the NBA All-Star Weekend festivities. | Delving into the race issue isn’t an easy thing to do. One thing we’re committed to around here is trying to take sensitive topics and lighten the mood whenever possible. Our point of view is 94% sarcasm, 5% legitimacy, and at least 8% perspiration, so if you have a problem with what we’re saying, kindly talk to the Management.
In fact, we’ve got a pretty bright vision for Black America’s future. Heck, we can even envision a time in the not-so-distant future when an African American wins gold at the Winter Olympics. Oh wait, that has already happened. |
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LESS GINGER. MORE GINGER-FREE.
Monday, February 22nd, 2010by D. Znutts
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| The epidemic of spray-tanned, gingery-orange politicians is reaching Lohan-like proportions (Lindsay or Dina). We see it across the landscape, from moderate cases, like that State of The Union windbag, Gov. Bob McDonnell, to the most extreme and scariest example, The Governator, Arnold Schwarzenegger (Dude, you’re Austrian, you’re genetically predisposed to be pasty). It’s really disturbing, our pols are hitting the mystic tan a little too often, and we aren’t the only one’s noticing. Apparently fake-baking isn’t just for rehab-bound starlets and The Housewives of Orange County anymore. In the land of campaigning while still in office, politicians want to look just as glorious (aka hideous) as everyone else. | You may have noticed that Prince William recently woke up and finally ditched his ginger-blond hair color. On the recent cover of Britain’s HELLO! magazine, Will the Thrill flaunted his new chocolate colored, non-balding locks, and we naturally wondered… What the F took him so long?!
Clearly, the Prince’s hair is now several shades darker, but through the wonder of photoshop, the previously noticeable balding areas were also vanquished in favor of more thickness and lushness. None of that matters though, ask any man-lovin’ woman, and she’ll tell you, a CGI-assisted head of dark hair is vastly preferable to a natural head of the ginger! |
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LESS CELEBRITY. MORE LOCALITY.
Friday, February 19th, 2010by Professor Lecherous
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| You might be surprised to learn that I recently had the distinct pleasure of performing at the world famous Bluebird Café. That’s right, I’m a Prof AND a musician. It used to be the other way around, but I digress. My appearance at one of Nashville’s most esteemed venues sold out in a little over two hours, which got me to thinking.
You see, my previous performance at the Bluebird was with a group of writers whose sole purpose in music was to become famous. They shook hands, formed faux friendships, and tried to put themselves in a position to earn them a modicum of celebrity. Ironically, that performance took nearly a month to sell out. Learning from that experience, this time I chose performers who are all about the music and its magic. Additionally, promotion for the show was mostly through family, friends, colleagues and companions, and less reliant on industry types. Not only did we sell out exponentially faster, but the performance itself was far superior. Less trying. More doing. The power of our genuine grassroots movement was proven to be far greater than any typical wanna-be Nashvillian effort ever could have been. |
Nashville has the Bluebird Café, The Basement and The Family Wash. Atlanta’s got Eddie’s Attic and Smith’s Olde Bar. If you’re in Alexandria, Virginia, you’ll find The Birchmere. Passing through Annapolis, Maryland? Check out the Ram’s Head Tavern.
I’m not telling you this because it’s my job to promote local music venues (these are all amazing), rather I want you to know that it’s up to you to get out there and support artists before they find (and get sucked into) celebrity. Think about it, I’d venture to guess that your favorite concert was when you experienced first-hand More Locality. Like the time you saw The Talking Heads at CBGB. Or when you heard Jenny Was a Friend of Mine at Roseland before anyone ever heard of The Killers. I really hope we will start seeing locality thrive once more in our local communities. Whether it’s music or locally grown vegetables, the chain-store mentality doesn’t need to pervade every nook and cranny of American culture. And that, my friends, will be a beautiful transformation. |
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LESS TOP MODEL. MORE TOP GUN.
Thursday, February 18th, 2010by Chairman of the Bored
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| Recently a few of us were arguing about what we hate most about ourselves. Surprisingly, it wasn’t the Clever Jew’s eyebrows, Dr. Selection’s drooling, or the Chairman’s receding hairline. Nope, it was universally agreed upon that what we hate most is our idiosyncratic appetites for entertainment, more specifically, bad entertainment.
As you well know, there is no singular experience worse than suffering through an hour of Tyra Banks’ epic search for America’s Next Top Model. Seriously, we’re not even trying to be funny here. The funny part is that we ashamedly get sucked in whenever it’s on. It gets worse, we don’t just get sucked in, we actually (cringe) care who wins. We care what happens to these vapid, unholy waifs. Please don’t hate us, we already admitted that we hate ourselves. |
One pastime we’ll never have to apologize for is our deep love for watching, memorizing, and quoting from the most beloved American movie-film (and cinematic masterpiece) ever made, Top Gun. Really, why waste your free time with reality competition reality shows when you can immerse yourself in the competitive world of a Navy fighter pilot? Heck, it’s practically reality anyway. In fact, the final version of the movie, originally planned as an action film, ended up so realistic that it was mistakenly labeled as a documentary prior to its 1986 release. Box-office draw considerations led the studios to nix the MPAA label.
Honestly, we feel somewhat ridiculous for even having to sell you on this one. Highway to the Danger Zone, beach volleyball in jeans, the black guy from Walker, Texas Ranger. We’re tellin’ you, this one’s got it all! |
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LESS LEAVENWORTH. MORE SNAKE PLISSKEN.
Wednesday, February 17th, 2010by Dr. Nate Selection
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| Do you like numbers? Well we sure do. No, not that unwatchable show on CBS called NUMB3RS (ironically), but the stats kind of numbers. Let us share a couple of numbers, won’t you?
A. 2,424,279 The first number represents the estimated number of criminals incarcerated during the 2008 calendar year. That shouldn’t come as much of a surprise though, as it’s common knowledge that ye ole’ America is home to the largest prisoner population per capita in the world. Next up was China (about 1.5 million), but ummm, they have about 4x our population. The second number represents the estimated annual price tag to keep our national prisons up and running. Nope, you don’t need a new prescription, those are nine f*cking zeroes. $68 Billion per year!? Say what? |
Before we begin, and just in case our overly sensitive (or heat-packin’) readers get all politically correct on us, we feel that it’s important to preface the following commentary with a qualification. Our views and opinions shall hereafter apply only to violent or sexual offenders, aka, the worst of the worst. Druggies, Bums, Vagrant’s need not apply. Okay? Okay.
Let’s be clear, the concept of criminal exile and isolation is not remotely unprecedented. Ever heard of a little island called Australia? The British established a penal colony there to rid themselves of all wankers and buggers. Even the Greeks were notable fans of exile, but perhaps the best known example occurred right here in the NYC, compliments of one John Carpenter, and his iconic Escape from New York, starring all-time badass Snake Plissken. Yes indeed, the Prison-State. Time-tested by history and Hollywood, proven to reduce prison costs and population (one-way or another). |
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LESS TOUPEE. MORE BALD.
Tuesday, February 16th, 2010by Chairman of the Bored
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| It’s Pictorial Tuesdays here at Less This. More That. so we’re trimming a topic that’s sure to have crossed (or combed-over) your minds from time to time. Why should people with thick, lustrous hair have all the fun? Bruce Willis left Demi Moore, not the other way around. | Okay, okay… we were going for pure shock value here! Matt Damon isn’t really balding (we think), but that doesn’t mean that his good buddy Ben Affleck still rocks god-given locks. In fact, there are quite a few folks that are better off with their hair off. | |||
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LESS HIGH-FIVES. MORE TICKLES.
Friday, February 12th, 2010by Uncle Peterstain
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| Ok, dude. We get it. You’re really “into” the game we’re watching at this bar. That’s cool, we are too. But observe some freakin’ decorum in public, Meathead. Nice hat, by the way. You do realize you’re wearing a Philadelphia 76′ers hat while you’re rooting against the Philadelphia Eagles in this game, right? Were you raised in a barn or something? You just can’t yell things in public like “Yeah, eat sh*t McNabb!” while wearing a 76′ers hat. But we’re getting off-point here. | Unlike the gruff forcefulness of the high-five, there’s something magical and childlike about being tickled. It’s hard to explain, but you know what we mean. Which got us to thinking. Why, exactly, isn’t the tickle more commonplace? Sure, it’s standard fare in elementary schools and Russian bath houses, but why should such an innocent activity be for kids and gays only? Really, unless you’re jammin’ at some club named “The CockPit,” tickling outta be more mainstream. | |||
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LESS ED HARDY. MORE HARDY BOYS.
Thursday, February 11th, 2010by The Angry Young Man
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| Ladies, ever wonder why those douchebag guys you keep getting tangled up with don’t come with a disclaimer? You know, an advance warning, so to speak, so you won’t have to waste the next three months of your life? A way of knowing that your guy is, in fact, a complete douche. Well, now you’re covered. It’s called an Ed Hardy t-shirt, and it serves that exact purpose. | Take instead the Hardy Boys. Now there are a couple of upstanding young citizens who actually are all that. Who needs flashy designer clothes when you can crack the tough cases that have even the local police baffled? Two brothers bound by blood and a burning desire to fight crime, in their v-neck sweaters. What could possibly be more compelling? | |||
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LESS P.C. MORE STEREOTYPING.
Wednesday, February 10th, 2010by The Clever Jew
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| Despite being huge fans, we don’t really understand the hullabaloo surrounding MTV’s breakout reality television show, Jersey Shore. Actually, we take it back, we’re not just huge fans, we freakin’ LOVE that show. We can’t possibly get enough greasy, juiced-up, over-tanned, hair gel-laden, fist-pumping Guido action to satisfy our needs. And let’s be honest, neither can you. That’s right, we’ve got a Situation here, folks. | With so many people worthy of poking fun at, why not embrace the medium and promote stereotypical groups and their outlandish, obnoxious behavior? Seriously, why should Guidos have all the fun, get all the fame, and make all the money, all for doing nothing more than being their pathetic, yet endearing selves. Can you imagine the possibilities here, people? Think of how many amazing stereotypes are just waiting to bring us laughter and joy! | |||
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LESS WORDS. MORE IMAGERY.
Tuesday, February 9th, 2010by Chairman of the Bored
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| We’re starting a new tradition around here, Pictorial Tuesdays. LESS WORDS. MORE IMAGERY. | It’s everything we don’t like, and everything we do. And we want to hear from you! Send us your ideas! | |||
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LESS ‘C’ROLE MODELS. MORE MODEL BEHAVIOR.
Monday, February 8th, 2010by Chairman of the Bored
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| Eeny, Meeny, Miny, Moe. Catch a Tiger by his mistress tic-tac-toe. If he “hollas,” let him go.
Nursery Rhyme advice well received, it seems. We wouldn’t describe ourselves as being particularly close, per se, with Tiger’s estranged wife, Elin Nordegren (we’d really like to get closer), but we’re taking a proactive stance with respect to Tiger and every other Celebrity Role Model (“CROLES“). We’re kicking them all to the curb. Permanently. |
Forget fame, fortune, good looks or talent. G-Clue Money (above) has oodles of all four, but what really sets him apart from his Crole counterparts is his ability to set a worthy example and inspire his fellow man. Clooney’s worked tirelessly to bring publicity to horrible atrocities committed in third-world nations, and more recently, he organized the “Hope for Haiti” telethon that has raised some $60m to date. There’s more news. George isn’t alone as an example of someone to “model” ourselves after. | |||
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LESS MORE. MORE LESS.
Friday, February 5th, 2010by Professor Lecherous
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| I know, I know. You are undoubtedly thinking I should be more specific. The word “More” doesn’t exactly associate with the image of our little friend above. But to understand the finer aspects of a topic, or a philosophy, it is necessary to answer “big” picture questions first. That’s why I felt it was imperative to grab your attention right off the bat with my debut effort for this site. Ultimately, “More” is unsustainable. Less can last. Less is the lesson for our children to start learning. Pay attention class, Professor says Less More. More Less. | We Americans we have an insatiable appetite for more this and more that, but we’re no happier despite our best efforts to fill the void. We have more access to food than the rest of the world, but we’re no healthier. Rent and watch Food, Inc. and consider this; perhaps the fundamental problem with our way of life is capitalism itself. And the fundamental flaw with capitalism is that it always requires “More”. Less, to our capitalist minds, and those of our shareholders, is absurd. But at some critical juncture, “More” is not enough. Less is what we all need more of. | |||
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LESS HIGHER LEARNING. MORE SCHOOL OF ROCK.
Thursday, February 4th, 2010by The Angry Young Man
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| We’re all for higher learning, but let’s face it, languishing in the classroom for over 15 years (including college) can be tedious, tiresome, and downright dull. Few things are worse than dragging yourself out of bed for a lecture and quiz on the Civil War, Algebra, or some overrated literary classic (cough, Jane Eyre, cough). At least there’s coffee. Making matters worse for our youngsters is that they’re woefully ignorant of the painful fact that life only gets worse after graduation. | Forget hitting the snooze button before Philosophy 101. Instead, why not leap out of bed and take advantage of your God-given right to rock the F*ck out?! It’s true. Every now and again, we all NEED to play hooky from the College of Knowledge and enroll in the School of Rock! Drop those book bags, let the Yellow Bus whiz right on by, and prepare to Get the Led Out. Break out the Guns N’ Roses cassettes, because it’s time to strap on your air guitar and get strumming. | |||
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LESS NETWORK TV. MORE HBO.
Wednesday, February 3rd, 2010by Chairman of the Bored
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| Between the dearth of original and/or imaginative programming, the excessive commercials with increased volume levels, and the borderline censorship of ideas and images deemed unsuitable for mass consumption, it’s no wonder that we’re turning our attention to the “Notworks.” In fact, we’ve compiled a fairly lengthy list of complaints beyond the aforementioned offenses, and it’s just not in our nature to hold anything back. Plus, American Idol auditions are over, and we hate Hasselhoff. | Not that it would take take much to dethrone the once reigning behemoth that WAS network television, but the fine folks at HBO have gone above and beyond the call of duty. Aside from a dreadful attempt to revive the now extinguished career of Phoebe from Friends and a few too many repeat screenings of Revenge of the Sith, HBO can do no wrong. This didn’t just start recently either, take a peak at this video from 1983. Lasers inside the O? Sheer genius. | |||
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LESS FIVE-DAY. MORE FOUR-DAY.
Tuesday, February 2nd, 2010by Chairman of the Bored
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| No need for lengthy commentary on this topic, folks. A brief visual presentation is all it takes to make the case that our current 5-day workweek structure crushes the soul and no longer “works” for us. Let’s follow Europe’s lead. | Besides, most of us are rather unproductive performing our traditional jobs anyway. Why sugar coat it? We’re lazy, so play to our strengths. A 4-day workweek just might actually make us work harder when we’re working. | |||
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LESS PUBLIC. MORE PRIVATE.
Monday, February 1st, 2010by Chairman of the Bored
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| We’re not really in the business of telling you how to live your life (usually), but clearly some of us were absent the day they taught public etiquette at life school. We’re all on this crazy ride together, but that doesn’t mean any of us wants or needs to see you clipping your fingernails or toenails on the morning train or afternoon bus. Nor are we the least bit interested in experiencing with our eyes or nose just how much you’re lovin’ it as you scarf down your Big Mac while waiting in line at the bank. As surprising as you may find it, there are these unique and special things all around you, and they’re called OTHER PEOPLE. And to your complete astonishment and utter amazement, some of your private idiosyncrasies can be pretty obnoxious when on public display. | There are just some things that are meant to be done in the privacy of one’s own home. You know, like making a poop. Partially because it feels safer, more familiar, and more comfortable, but also because you don’t have to worry about the lingering aromatic after-effects. It is YOUR domain, and the feelings of others matter not. But that’s the point the aforementioned clueless among us fail to realize as they walk through life as inconsiderate as they are inappropriate. On some level, we all probably bear some responsibility for the increasingly boorish behavior of others. By looking the other way, and failing to address these faux pas, we’re silently condoning their actions and saying everything is ok. Well, fear not public-at-large, that’s what we’re here for. | |||
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LESS JANUARY. MORE FEBRUARY.
Monday, February 1st, 2010by Chairman of the Bored
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| Wondering where all the content went? Click here to see all the good stuff you missed in January! | ||
