We guess our main complaint about network television is the fact that they STILL rely on advertising to make money. Don’t they get it? Hardly anyone gets a free signal over-the-air anymore. Instead most of us pay a king’s ransom for cable or satellite, while the remainder of us steal content from the interwebs. So, here’s the thing, Network TV execs. We’re paying already, so please, for the love of God, stop wasting our time with your incessant Sham-Wow spots. Give us a break from the endless Fall political ads. Spare us another 4-hour infomercial on Sunday afternoons when we don’t feel like watching the Maple Leafs play the Blackhawks on another awful station.

While we’re at it, what genius focus-group consultant drafted the networks-wide memo suggesting a scientific link between spending discretionary income and louder commercials? Is there a vast right-wing conspiracy to increase revenues for U.S. hearing aid manufacturers? In practice, nothing makes us grab the remote to change channels faster than offensive volume increases during commercial breaks. Kudos to our fine legislators for recently promising to tackle this problem (“The CALM Act”) while they’re busy doing nothing about all of the other more insignificant problems we’re facing.

Why, exactly, are we not allowed to hear the SEVEN DIRTY WORDS already? It isn’t like kids can’t simply change the channel and find all sorts of “offensive” stuff elsewhere, let alone online. It seemed like we were making some serious progress in the 90’s when we got to see Dennis Franz’s delicious ass cheeks on NYPD Blue, but since then the Networks have stalled out. It probably has something to do with Janet Jackson’s wardrobe malfunction, but the days of censorship really should be over. Come on, just look at what pops up when you search the word “boobs” on a Google image search. And yet we’re still subject to the type of viewing restrictions that drove annoyed George Carlin over 30 years ago? WTF!

The networks are always dumbing things down for the US viewing population. When was the last time you actually learned anything by watching CBS, NBC, FOX or ABC? We’ll grant you 60 Minutes is a damn fine program, but most people seem more memorized by “How to Catch a Predator” reruns than shows that might actually provide a little edu-ma-cation.

Maybe this is really OUR fault, not the Networks. Maybe we’re so shallow that this is what we deserve? Eh, that’s a topic for another article.

For a mere $12.99 a month here at the home office, we are virtually assured of top-notch viewing every Sunday evening. And let’s face it, we all need some good vibes on Sunday nights, especially since our Four-day workweek plan might take a little while to fall into place. HBO was made for Sundays, life without it just wouldn’t be the same.

It’s hard to argue with our logic when a few of the greatest television series EVER made were or are shown on HBO. Don’t take our word for it though, the proof’s in the puddin’.

THE WIRE. Quite possibly the best show ever produced. Amazing character development, gritty realism, unexpected twists and turns. Flawless.

SIX FEET UNDER. Groundbreaking, unparalleled. Delved graphically into taboo subjects like death, homosexuality, and drugs in ways never before shown on television. Structural perfection.

CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM. It’s Seinfeld, only better. We all knew Larry David was a genius, but we never knew he was THIS smart.

BIG LOVE. And you thought there was no reason to go to Utah. Who knew polygamy could be so much fun?

ENTOURAGE. Two words. Ari Gold. Ok, Vinny Chase is Vinny Gorgeous and Matt Dillon’s younger brother is hilarious. That said, at the end of the day, it’s all about the booty and the bling.

FLIGHT OF THE CONCHORDS. Musical comedy at its finest. If you don’t get it, that’s sad. If you do, we’re glad. Bret and Jermaine? Top-notch. But Murray… Best.Supporting.Actor.Ever. Enough said.

TRUE BLOOD. Vampires, Creole, Shapeshifters, Sex, it’s got it all.

THE SOPRANOS. Set the standard. Above reproach.

OZ. Prison Violence to an order of magnitude. That, and Schillinger.

DEADWOOD. Not many people saw it, but phenomenal Western. Can you say Netflix?

ROME. See Deadwood, above.

No, we didn’t forget about Sex & The City, we just don’t like that show very much, despite The Clever Jew’s protests.

So that’s it. Argument Over. What are you waiting for? Call your Cable Operator RIGHT NOW to start receiving HBO in your home today! And if you act now, we’ll throw in three months free of Showtime. You know, for Weeds.