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| Oy vey, Passover is only one day in, and we’re already sick of eating matzoh. The affliction of our people never ends. For all you uninformed goys and shiksas out there, there’s a reason you can’t find any of your Jewish friends right now. They’re stuck in the bathroom suffering from the type of constipation that only dry, crumbly, tasteless matzoh can provide. And there’s eight more days of joy still to go. | Why do Jews have to be so dramatic though? You don’t see Christians punching holes in their hands cause that’s what JC went through. No, they decorate a tree and have some fat guy deliver gifts in the middle of a snowstorm. We think Jews are focused on the wrong part of the story. We were freed from slavery for Zod’s sake. Shouldn’t we be celebrating that, and dancing in the streets?! | |||
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LESS MATZOH. MORE PIZZA.
Wednesday, March 31st, 2010by The Clever Jew
LESS IDIOCY. MORE LEARNING.
Tuesday, March 30th, 2010by Dimebag Darrell
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| Let’s face it: this country is (sadly) rife with less education and more idiocy. Just last week, the free daily, amNewYork, wrote of how one-quarter of our high school juniors and seniors “misidentified Adolf Hitler.” One of the most vile people this world has known is just another name (or some dude that got screwed over by Microsoft) to one out of every four American 17-year-olds. You might think that “schooled” adults with degrees and mortgages would fare much better, but a recent look at trends on Google showed that searches for “Assburgers Syndrome” peaked a day after Parenthood – a primetime drama with a married couple that has a son with Asperger’s – debuted on NBC. Depressing, isn’t it? | Here at the home office, we’re big baseball fans, and some of us are stats geeks. While such a tidbit may be uninteresting to most, it does serve to prove a point. You see, the objective analysis of baseball through statistical measures, or sabermetrics, isn’t something that is taught in school, or readily learned without some effort. We simply discovered an interest in the subject and “educated” ourselves. What is most disturbing about the average uneducated American is that he or she possesses a complete and utter disinterest in learning something on their own. It seems to us that people look at education not as an exercise in personal enrichment, but rather a chore, or a necessary evil to pass an exam. Sad, but true. | |||
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LESS EDUCATION. MORE REDACTION.
Monday, March 29th, 2010by Uncle Peterstain
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| After deftly and succinctly touching on religion last week, we figured it was high time we addressed education. If you ask us, education is key to being like, all smart and stuff. It’s true; look it up if you can even read this. That’s why our collective feathers got so ruffled when we read a story about the “different” history that Texas is trying to invent with its new public school textbooks. It seems as though they only want to teach what they like, or believe, or find righteous. Whatever they want to call it, we call it just plain wrong. | No, no, this piece has nothing to do with awful war movies from Brian De Palma. We’re talking about the combining of separate stories and turning them into one cohesive statement. Here’s an example: Say we edited the Bible into one big story and punched it up a bit with some action of our own; it would be The Holy Redaction. As fun as that could be, the threat of things being lost in translation looms large. Surely “pay attention to the details” has its own PowerPoint in the freshman orientation at Redactor State University, right? That’s day one stuff. | |||
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LESS REGRET. MORE HOT TUB.
Friday, March 26th, 2010by Chairman of the Bored
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| Today marks a major milestone in cinematic history, folks. We know, it’s been awhile since the last “Funny John Cusack” sighting, but Hot Tub Time Machine debuts today, and we’re believers.
As such, and to mark the special occasion, we’ve assembled the entire staff to share our own regretful (and painful) LessThis’isms. Time travel-style, of course. |
Haven’t you ever wondered what you would do with a time machine? From Marty McFly to The Terminator, we’ve all imagined ourselves heading back in time to make things right. Really, need we say more? Our advice is as straightforward as it is well reasoned. Less time spent watching 80’s movies on TBS this weekend. More heading to the local multiplex to see Hot Tub Time Machine! | |||
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LESS HIPSTERS. MORE ORIGINALS.
Thursday, March 25th, 2010by Jacki Moonshine
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| Hipster defined – “One who possesses tastes, social attitudes, and opinions deemed cool by the cool. The Hipster walks among the masses in daily life but is not a part of them and shuns or reduces to kitsch anything held dear by the mainstream. A Hipster ideally possesses no more than 2% body fat.”
You know the type. Unless you’ve been living under a rock or maybe if you’re still being treated for that rare allergy to Pabst Blue Ribbon, you definitely can relate to these folks. Seriously, what is your deal, Mr. Hipster? Were the jocks and beautiful people in high school too vapid to “get you?” Guess what, no amount of thrift shop store-credits will ever mask your insecurity, Dude. |
Let’s start a new trend, and aptly dub it originality. Originality starts with engaging yourself in activities and causes that you actually enjoy and/or care about, and not because your flatmates in Williamsburg are doing the same. We’re in America, Jack, who the f*ck besides a Hipster uses the term “flatmates” anyway?
Take those skin-tight jeans you’re wearing, Mr. Hipster. You ain’t comfortable, so what are you trying to prove, exactly, that toite vintage denim cuts off the circulation to your feet? We’re not suggesting you should be General Larry Platt’ing it up, just leave a little breathing room in case you ever want to spawn a child. On second thought… |
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LESS GOD. MORE ZOD.
Wednesday, March 24th, 2010by Chairman of the Bored
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| Enough is enough. We’ve had it! There is WAY too much religion in this country (and this world) for our liking. Whatever happened to secularism, or for anyone living in a conservative locale, seh-pah-ray-shun of church and state. There’s a reason why wars have been fought over people’s obsession with the righteousness of their god. It’s called stupidity. What, exactly, has the man upstairs done lately, anyway? Between non-stop natural disasters, genocides, and the Jersey Shore pandemic, the existence of god seems less likely than that Corey Haim/Brittany Murphy “Where Are They Now?” special airing on VH1 anytime soon. | Maybe the true theological leader sought by the world’s religious fanatics has been hiding in plain site all along. Perhaps a character born of a 1980 Hollywood movie script was representative of much more than a memorable villain, but of a new world order, dominated by British accents and jet-black jump suits. We speak, of course, of a worthy ruler of all Earthlings, none other than Zod. A General by any other name really isn’t a General at all, is he? If you don’t know who Zod is, we pity you. Rest assured though, after watching this clip, we’ll be preaching to the converted. Look at the balance sheet, Zod’s assets far outweigh God’s liabilities. | |||
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LESS SPIT. MORE SWALLOW.
Tuesday, March 23rd, 2010by Mary Jay Blunt
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| In case you hadn’t noticed, people everywhere are extremely pissed off. Flipping through cable television, it’s clear across the guide, from MTV to C-Span, that people are hot under the collar about pretty much everything. The Jersey Shore cast is mad that tanning booths don’t work fast enough. Brides are yelling about taffeta and wine coolers. Rush Limbaugh is mad that Costa Rica won’t let him immigrate. The American public is getting tea-bagged, and in some municipalities, we aren’t even allowed to have a cigarette afterward.
It seems that no one is exempt from feeling angry either. Heck, it’s natural, right? Even the most docile of creatures have an instinct to attack if threatened. And everywhere you look, there are more reasons to feel threatened. Couple that with 24-hour news cycle coverage of the financial, political, and social climate of the country, and it isn’t so hard to see why people are spitting venom. |
Okay, dirty birds. We know you were hoping for some helpful techniques on the art of fellatio, but we’ve got something better for you. Maybe. Truth is, the kind of swallowing we’re talking about has to do with PRIDE! Much like mullets and Air-Jordans, inflatable egos are one trend that just won’t go away. Pride, one of the seven deadly sins, can cause a lifetime of resentment, and not just for the person choking on the lump of superiority caught in their throat. Pride creates a ripple effect. Need we remind you of Attila the Hun? Pol Pot? Kanye West?
None of us are perfect, but we pretend like we are. People like Kanye shield themselves with pride to protect themselves, but their behavior serves only to fuel their ass-clown persona and distorted sense of self. Kanye and others need to practice humility over egotism. Kinda like swallowing a really big pill, it takes some practice, but eventually such medicine will cure what ails you. |
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LESS TOYOTA. MORE BUY AMERICAN.
Monday, March 22nd, 2010by Dr. Nate Selection
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| Holy crap, has Toyota dug their own grave or what? Their product line is whizzing out of control like an R. Kelly home video. Duck! Notwithstanding the near certain litigation to come, Toyota’s more pressing concern has to be the loss in consumer confidence. The entire company is practically America’s persona non grata (we knew the heat had to get off Tiger Woods eventually).
For Japan’s former most reliable automaker, first it was the floor mats in the 2009 Camry that needed a little tweaking in order to fix the problem. Then, damage control went out of control as it was revealed that certain Toyota and Lexus models up to 10-years-old had been affected by a lack of “acceleration control,” like an old man on Viagra. The mounting bad press (and deaths) led the CEO of Toyota to appear on Capital Hill to plead for forgiveness. He promised that Toyota would do it the “right way” in the future. Sure, we “forgive” you for hiding your safety data and then callously placing the blame on “run away” floormats. Really? Really? |
So what next? We could go all patriotic on you (as the title of this piece suggests), and tell you to Buy American. You know, support the economy, and help our unfortunate Michigander autoworkers, etc. The Big Three has serious problems, but historically hasn’t exactly been the most reliable of options to get you to and from the massage parlor. You won’t catch us cruising ’round town in a Ford Pinto (note the release date) or an Aries K anytime soon.
But gosh darn it, we’re Americans. We invented the automobile, and despite the fact that we eventually managed to f*ck up the industry quite badly, that doesn’t mean we should give up! So why don’t we just focus on bringing some desperately needed new transportation products to the market. There’s an opening with the anti-Toyota sentiment. People can’t get financing nowadays anyway. But what to produce? What could we possibly come up with that hasn’t already been done? What would people want? What do they need? It’s a good thing you dropped by, we got answers. |
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LESS SPEND. MORE SAVE.
Friday, March 19th, 2010by Professor Lecherous
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| I know what you’re thinking. You’re an American. And your country is built on credit, gosh darn it. Well, maybe it’s time to think again. Maybe that kind of thinking has wrought us all an insurmountable debt. Consider that 2008 saw the second worst financial collapse in our history, and in reality it was our unsustainable behaviors and insatiable appetites that played a greatest role. It’s probably time that we get back to a concept that merits considerable attention. It’s called “Living within our means.” | Many psychologists have found that the loss of a job, and income, can actually be a liberating experience. “Do what you love, and the money will follow” is the age-old adage. But time and again when I advise students, they say that they don’t know what they want to do, only that they want to make a lot of money. Perhaps unsurprising, especially since we live in a capitalist society that places value over worth. So we borrow, we over-extend. We keep up with those damn Jonses. | |||
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LESS EXPOSURE. MORE MYSTERY.
Thursday, March 18th, 2010by Mrs. Robinson
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| If you’re like us, you love to surf the Interwebs. And if you’ve used the Googles, it’s more than likely that you’ve been inadvertently redirected to an erotica site that smacks you in the face with an up close & personal va-jay-jay or schong shot. It’s like passing a fatal car accident – you can’t turn away, but you really don’t want to look. Okay maybe you do. But do we really need to see that kind of stuff? Less bare crotch. More undies. Seriously. | Let’s face it, men want to see body parts. In fact, it’s usually “the more, the better” when it comes to our XY carrying friends. Not only that, but those body parts had better be doing something with one another other. It’s pretty much why 9/10 dudes will tell you that Skinemax just doesn’t cut it. “Doesn’t show enough,” they whine. Ladies like the build up, the music, the suggestive nature of it all. Guess it’s that Mars. v. Venus thing at work again. | |||
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LESS EARNED. MORE WON.
Wednesday, March 17th, 2010by The Angry Young Man
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| In the spirit of St. Patrick’s Day (who the heck was he anyway, and why is there a day named after him?), and in recognition of these turbulent economic times, we thought it would be a great idea to turn that most traditional of notions, “Hard Work,” completely upside-down. Surely there’s honor in “bringing home the bacon,” and providing for oneself, one’s family, or one’s Brosephs (the actual term here is better known as mooching). Steady pay leads to stability and comfort. But it sure can’t beat the thrill of getting paid via sheer luck. | Look, we’re all for job security, and the comfort of knowing you’ve got some ducats rollin’ in via direct deposit on the 1st and 15th, but there’s an old adage: “Money won is much sweeter than money earned.” Life just ain’t worth living without a little risk taking every now and again. Sometimes we should infuse some thrill into our work-obsessed culture, and there’s no better way to do just that than a meaty ATM withdrawal, followed by a trip to Atlantic City, Mohegan Sun, or better yet…Vegas, baby (Monte Carlo is is out of our league). | |||
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LESS ASS. MORE ASSETS.
Tuesday, March 16th, 2010by D. Znutts
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| Mmm, I love me some eye candy every now and again. Ok, I like me A LOT of eye candy, all the time. Bare with me here, boys, mah ladies need some hottie-centric takes around here too.
When it comes to dating, what use is a great “package” if it’s solely comprised of the Adonis-like good looks? I’m from the land of beauty. No, not The Galapagos, but Los Angeles, California. Tinseltown, baby. Ahh, the City of Angels, where no one cares if you have the IQ of a squirrel, just so long as you’re hot and drive a nice car. Cringing? Appalled? Please. I’m not afraid to be the broad that will say what everyone else is afraid to. Social stigmas and flagrant generalizations are my specialty. |
When I say assets, I don’t necessarily mean financial assets (those don’t hurt). I don’t even mean being well-endowed (that CAN hurt, but in a good way). What I’m talking about are the redeemable qualities in addition to the looks. It’s true , Gentlemen. Any gal will tell ya, there’s no better combo than Ass and Assets.
Yup, we want the complete package. Looks, brains, humor, dong, the whole shabang. Sure, physical stats are important, but substance MUST be equally important. Ultimately, both sexes would be well served spend less time on their outward appearance, and more effort on improving their character and increasing their knowledge. |
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LESS SHARING. MORE SPARING.
Monday, March 15th, 2010by The Clever Jew
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| The Clever Jew’s feeling like A Cranky Jew these days. For one thing, he’s getting tired of all the recent advancements in communication. Our society has become way too open. These days, there isn’t any news left to call your own. It’s almost as if your freakin’ root canal is posted on Facebook before the novocaine wears off. Case in point: when a friend of ours got knocked up last week (or at least that’s when we were informed), her entire Myspace “universe” was discussing the inappropriateness of her disclosure, given that the first trimester safety zone had not yet elapsed. Seriously? Really? WTF?!
And why was there such an incredible pre-natal feeding frenzy? Mostly it’s because we all love a scoop. We want to be the first to hear about something so we can immediately tell everyone else in order to get credit for being the first to break the news. Being “in the know” gives us a weird sense of superiority. It makes us feel better, smarter, a part of elite group of “insiders.” There’s just something awesomely satisfying about being the the inaugural office-mate to announce that Corey Haim is DOA. It’s not that his death makes us feel good (there’s goes that Lucas sequel), it’s actually makes us a little sad. Well, at least until we realize there’s still another Corey left. The point remains. There’s nothing like a solid gossipy scoop. It’s the Perez Hilton Model Journalism School. He showed us Britney’s crotch before anyone else, and so we keep going back to see what other celeb dirt he’s got. You know, so we can tell everyone else. |
The time has come to shut ’em down. We’re hoping Facebook gets an incurable virus and we’re all permanently locked out. We want a simpler life. Like back in the good ole’ days, when no one could unilaterally tag us in a New Year’s picture taken the moment after we slammed that tenth tequila shot. Remember when no one cared about how you felt about the weather today, or how badly your sports team blew last night, or that you scored 100 points in Bejeweled Blitz(we don’t even know what that is)… well, guess what? We don’t (and never did) care! And yet you continue to barrage us with your meaningless musings.
How about leaving a couple of things to the imagination. Like momma always said, “Don’t show the cow your t*ts, because he’ll quickly get bored of them and only play with them on the nights when he’s wasted, and then he’ll end up seeking other boobs because the grass is always greener on the other side,” or something like that. So here’s the thing, let’s not be such an open book anymore. Let’s communicate (or not) offline. In fact, from now on, if you want to reach us… mail us a letter. We love getting mail. It’s so disappointing when we open our little mailbox and only receive an assortment of bad J. Crew catalogs and dry cleaning coupons. Frankly, don’t expect a reply to your letter unless it’s stamped in red with the words “final late payment.” Otherwise, we’ll assume you’re writing to tell us what’s on your mind, which we’ve already established is a complete waste of our time. |
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LESS BABY. MORE SEXY-TIME.
Friday, March 12th, 2010by Mary Jay Blunt
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| Listen up, folks. The vagina is not a clown car. In spite of freaks like that Duggar chick, or Octomom, there’s this rampant expectation that any woman breathing should be popping babies rapidly from the loins. Sure, baby-making’s natural and instinctual, but maybe the real motivation is people’s inherent need to see more of themselves! More me! More me! Nothing screams narcissistic like a bun in the oven (or even afterward).
If you’re still a reasonably single adult, it’s likely that you’ve heard the following from Nana or Bubbi: “So, when are you going to start having a family of your own?” The proper response, “Is there an app for that?”, probably won’t fly. See, it’s not that kids are disruptive, dirty, loud, or annoying (they are). Instead, the point that we’re making is that others should mind their own business when it comes to the birds, the bees, and what drops between the knees. Really, what concern is it of Aunt Betty’s whether or not we’re getting enough wiggle in our squiggle? Why the hell is Aunt Betty even thinking about sexytime at all, anyway. Dirty Aunt Betty. So why less babies? This is why… |
Maybe we rushed to judgment here. The vagina can be a clown car! That’s right, an almost unlimited number of wacky looking freaks with questionable fashion sense can hop on in, and enjoy the ride!
See, sex is good. It’s good for lots of reasons, some of which we don’t need to tell you about. Heck, in this day and age most people have Skinemax on-demand (strictly for educational purposes). In America, some of us like to pretend that sex isn’t good. The conservatives, the religious fanatics, and the politically correct, they all preach their views about what’s acceptable, even though many of them are engaging in deviant behavior themselves. Wasn’t it the ole’ Puritans who originally gave us that woeful concept of chastity? Did they really think that the land of the “Happy Ending” and the home of “Client No. 9” would be a sex free “Utopia?” Not so much. Everyone’s having sex and pretending not to be. It’s time we face the truth, people. We’re bumping uglies. We’re hiding the salami. We’re playing “just the tip.” We’re playing naked Twister. We are, in a word, boning. And really, why shouldn’t we?! We make the case that doesn’t even need to be made. |
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LESS NEGATIVITY. MORE COMEDY.
Thursday, March 11th, 2010by Uncle Peterstain
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| Friends, we’re living in some negative times. Economics, earthquakes and hurricanes dominate the news; the news dominates our lives. We get it on our TVs, our computers, and on little devices that we never leave home without (god forbid we were to miss out on something). We’re all plugged in, unless you’re stuck in some hellish wasteland sans bandwidth. Sorry, Iowa. But technology isn’t all great. As a people, the constant deluge of tragedies and bad news will – and may already be starting to – wear us down mentally and emotionally.
The recent onslaught of disasters and otherwise tragic events is worrisome, for sure. But are things really getting worse at an alarming pace, or are we just rapidly increasing our global awareness? The answer is probably somewhere in between, but when we collectively experience something tragic, it can have wide-reaching effects. What do we mean by that? Read on, folks. Read on. |
Laughter. It’s one of the most simple human pleasures. A good, hearty laugh will push any negativity out of your mind, if only for a few seconds. There’s a reason that some trailblazing comedic genius decided to “put the fun in funeral”. Call it an innate sense of irony, but there’s something in most of us that can cause a giggle even when our conscious mind knows it’s the wrong time. You know, like during a Eulogy, when your parents were disciplining you, or even when your boss is scolding you for being 5 min. late.
That’s not to say there’s always humor in tragedy or trouble, but with the right set of eyes and ears, laughter can glean a little blue sky from a dark storm. Laughter brings us together, and can be universally appreciated, regardless of language. It’s special that way. The reasons for and benefits of comedy are all around you, if you look hard enough. Or maybe you don’t need to look very hard at all. Here’s why comedy rocks: |
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LESS LECTURES. MORE SPIN.
Wednesday, March 10th, 2010by Johnny Biscuits
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| For the last year President Obama has been talking and talking about Health Care Reform. Frankly, maybe the time has come for a little LESS of his intellectual-speak. Now before all you lefties get riled up and start criticizing us, let’s clarify, shall we?
It’s not that we think that the country is filled with stupid people who can’t understand Obamacare, no, we actually KNOW that it’s filled with stupid people. Sometimes things can get lost in translation, though. We’re pretty much saying that a vast majority of people in this country are MORONS! Once again, just to be clear here, we’re a Nation of Idiots. Obama would be much more effective (say, with respect to gay rights) if he simply said things in a new way. For example, “Those with closed minds who are opposed to gay rights may practice whatever they please in their homes and churches, but we’ve got a little diddy playing, and it’s called Separation of Church and State, bitches.” |
The solution, of course, is quite obvious for Obizzle. Just take a page out of the GOP playbook, and spin us ’round like a dradel. Here’s a few tips to get him started:
It’s just that simple. Keeping your message streamlined makes successful implementation of your ideas more likely by a factor of ten. |
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LESS MEGA-HOME. MORE RESTRAINT.
Tuesday, March 9th, 2010by Mrs. Robinson
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| By now we’re all painfully aware that the roots of our current economic plight can be directly traced to the Real Estate market and the excessive speculation, borrowing and risk underwritten thereof. Which got us to thinking, how much is enough? When are people satisfied with the space they need, as opposed to several pointless rooms for collections of their stupid stuff. Honestly, what normal-sized family needs to live in a gargantuan mega McMansion?
We’re talking about homes like Candy Spelling’s 73,500sf of ridiculousness, with three, (count ‘em, three) gift wrapping rooms, and a room for her bizarre 1,000+ Chucky-like doll collection. You remember, the collection Spelling later claimed she started for her transsexual looking daughter, Tori. Who woulda thought the man who created Charlie’s Angels would end up with a daughter so decidedly un-angel-like.. Yikes. No wonder those two don’t get along. Can anyone say “Mommy-dearest.” |
Why don’t the wealthy emulate the great Warren Buffett, who still lives in the modest home in Omaha that he purchased back in 1958 for a mere $31,500. Granted, it’s worth about $700K now and he has added a few California beach houses to the ole’ portofolio, but we can grant him a transgression every now and again. The man is worth $37 billion dollars!
Even the Bouvier-Beales, the infamous Southhampton mother/daughter socialites, decided to forgo the luxury of their Grey Gardens mansion, in favor of a life of squalor. Okay, bad example. But by foresaking the luxuries of their Mega-Home, they found fame (posthumous, but still) when the Mayles Brothers crafted a stunning documentary about their extraordinary lives, which was later turned into a Broadway play and HBO feature film. But all that’s beside the point. Folks need to rethink their ridiculous properties in favor of something more appropriate. |
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LESS NASA. MORE STAR TREK.
Monday, March 8th, 2010by Johnny Biscuits
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| Recently there’s been a lot of talk about how America’s space program will suffer due to budget cuts. According to their numbers (click here to see the actual budget), NASA plans to spend about $100 Billion over the next 5 years. We’re no math majors, but that seems like a lot of matzoh balls that could go for much better things (like teachers and health care).
So what’s being cut? The shuttle program, for one thing. NASA is also aborting its “Constellation” project, you know, that new and exciting plan to take mankind to (wait for it)… The Moon?! Excuse us for disbelieving the conspiracy theorists, but we’re pretty sure we’ve already been there. Look, we’re excited for amazing IMAX 3-D images of those desolate moon craters, but can’t we just get those from the rover footage being transmitted from MARS?! Nobody watches black and white anymore anyway. “Get your Ass to Mahs.” |
People love watching anything about space exploration, but the fascination tends to be of the fictional variety. Some of the very best characters and story arcs come from Star Trek (unless you’re the Token Black Guy). No offense to our friends at NASA, but have you watched one of their press conferences recently? Yikes. Ever watched a weekend marathon of Nova? No thanks. Star Trek, on the other hand, yes please!
There’s lots of ways to capture our imagination in space. Like peyote. Okay, maybe hallucinogenics aren’t the safest travel favors, but you get the idea. We don’t have patience for reality, we need Ben Affleck in that tear-jerking scene from Armageddon. Or how about “Mad Men” in space – Space Advertising Exec. cheats on wife with alien chicks. Or “The Bachelor” – On the Wings of the Shuttle. BTW, if any network head is reading this, we’re open to drafting some concept scripts. Inquire within. |
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LESS PARTISANSHIP. MORE PARTNERSHIP.
Friday, March 5th, 2010by Professor Lecherous
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| The recent departure of Democrat Evan Bayh from the United States Senate brings us to an interesting juncture in American politics. The most obvious fallout has to do with the fact that Pat Robertson has a new reason to cream all inside of his pleated trousers under the mistaken belief that Bayh’s decision speaks to the Obama presidency. This is almost as priceless as Robertson’s ridiculous theory that the Haitians made a pact with Satan, thus causing a devastating earthquake. Yup, ole’ Pat just loves anything that reflects poorly on El Presidente. Unfortunately, what Pat fails to recognize (too numerous to mention his other failings in one little post) is that the complete disintegration of the political infrastructure in America today actually has nothing to do with Obama, but instead has been building for centuries. Gridlock is nothing new, but the significance of the issues facing our country and our nation are serious business. Now, more than ever, we need less partisanship, more partnership. | Flash forward to today. Obama is vilified as a socialist threat, even though he’s done the very same things Dubya would be doing right now. Goldman-Sachs is still getting away with bloody murder after being released on Government Sponsored bail. Change? Hardly. Hope? Not so much. Withdrawal from Iraq? Sure, save for those 50,000 troops that’ll be stationed there permanently. Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY) says that Obama needs to move more to the middle. To the middle of what, exactly? The center doesn’t exist at present. There is only extreme partisanship, except when those 116 Republicans who continually bash Obama take time out to line up for stimulus money. Assuming it’s not just for show, it seems like Obama is trying for more partnership. He’s a likable enough fellow, and he is certainly an intelligent dude. But sadly, he’s powerless with respect to the Congressional polarization. Make no mistake, the leader of the free world probably isn’t the catalyst for the change we need. | |||
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LESS ARCTIC. MORE TROPIC.
Thursday, March 4th, 2010by The Angry Young Man
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| It’s official. We’ve reached the breaking point. We are now completely over winter. Stepping outside and getting face-blasted by an arctic breeze is no way to start out the day. Oh, and we can most certainly do without trudging through two feet of snow in order to dig out the trusty Yugo for the morning commute. We’re putting a hit out on Ole’ Man Winter. | Waking up to some warm ocean breezes, now that’s something we could get used to. How about a commute that starts with the outdoor bar for pina coladas and ends with a poolside lounge chair, optimally positioned for maximum UV exposure. Sprinkle in some getting our buzz on, and we’re golden. Golden tan. No work. No worries. No stress. No snow. Just paradise. | |||
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LESS HORNY. MORE HONESTY.
Wednesday, March 3rd, 2010by D. Znutts
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| My fellow contributor, the brilliant Uncle Peterstain, offered up an extremely provocative article last week (read first). Unfortunately for him, I’m D. Znutts (despite my gender-challenged name), a woman with the ability to hit my Uncle back ten times harder than he smacked down my ladies. I love office strife. Really, what better way to refute a chauvinist male than with the fact-based opinions of a “crazy” chauvinistic alpha-female? But don’t worry, Broseph, this is just business. We’ll smooth it over later by the water cooler.
Look, we all know that men have been led around by their testicles for centuries. Wait, let me rephrase that. Men have been led around by their testicles since the beginning of time. I know, I know, “men are genetically engineered to spread their seed.” Here’s an idea, if you guys want to cite genetics, how about some conscious EVOLUTION? You know, a learned progression of sorts, less of your Trouser Snake (and who it will uncontrollably strangle this week), and more honest ko-moon-i-kay-shun. |
Ask any woman what she wants most in a man, and 9 times outta 10 you’ll get the exact same reply. HONESTY. Men constantly whine that women are so complicated and demanding, but what we really want at the end of the day is a little bit of truth (which leads to trust).
Don’t like me anymore? Fine, break up with me. Please. Not only will you save yourself precious cashish (no more pointless dates), but you’ll also be saving your dignity. Don’t be a scumbag, and resort to cheating and lying about it. Need to sow your wild oats? Don’t want to be tied down? Fine. Go for it. Be as crazy as you want on your own time. No one’s here to judge, just don’t take any victims with you. Don’t get or stay married. Don’t lead someone to believe you’re committed to them when you’re not. Seems pretty simple, doesn’t it? Unfortunately, it’s not. Lack of integrity seems to be running rampant these days, it’s almost pseudo-acceptable to be a complete slimeball. Well, no more. I’m setting things straight. |
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LESS DICTIONARY. MORE SLANG.
Tuesday, March 2nd, 2010by Chairman of the Bored
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| Today we’re bypassing the pleasantries and getting right to it. Recently The Washington Post’s Mensa International invited its readers to alter any word in the dictionary by adding, subtracting or changing one letter, and providing a new meaning. We decided to up the stakes with a new meaning for the original word. | It takes a lot to crank out the hard-hitting and illuminating content we’re slinging daily (M-F), so for once, we’re delighted to let someone else do the heavy lifting. Since we absolutely despise plagiarism, be advised that the following material isn’t entirely ours. That doesn’t make it any less brilliant though. | |||
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LESS ATHLETES. MORE PROS.
Monday, March 1st, 2010by Jacki Moonshine
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| Lately we’ve been seeing A LOT of negative press surrounding some of our most famous and celebrated professional athletes. There’s that golfer dude, Le Tigre. We’ve got NBA “sharpshooter” Gilbert Arenas. Even our old friend Mark McGwire is back from the dead to start his new career “advising” young baseball players on the best ways to hit the long ball.
We could sit here for hours, telling jokes at the expense of our most despicable millionaire sports stars (and their exceedingly deplorable behavior), but that would only be telling 1/100th of the story. In all fairness, for every over-exposed, media-hyped athlete train-wreck, there are countless examples of those who do it the right way, the oft-ignored professional athlete who gets it. Think of it like a logic game. All men and women who run fast, jump high, and possess elite hand-eye coordination are athletes, but not all athletes are PROFESSIONAL. |
What we’re driving at here is that professionalism and (gasp) good samaritanism deserve more press, more praise, and even a touch of national pride. Sure, it might not be as attention grabbing as accidentally shooting yourself In Da Club, or getting caught with a “loaded gun” in a local motel with someone other than your wife, but maybe all of us can be just a little more mindful and appreciative when we see or hear about an athlete’s good deeds.
Let’s face it. Sex, drugs and guns sell. It’s not like we have a problem with that, either. Heck, True Romance is running on a 24-hour loop here in the LessThis office. That said, what’s wrong with a little inspiration (followed by recognition) in this topsy-turvy world. Not only are there some amazing athletes out there, but there are also many PROFESSIONAL athletes doing great things on and off the field. Being a pro should mean something, even if batting .700 for your beer league softball team doesn’t make you a Pro. |
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LESS FEBRUARY. MORE MARCH.
Monday, March 1st, 2010by Chairman of the Bored
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| Wondering where all the content went? Click here to see all the good stuff you missed in February! | ||
