 |
 |
|||
| Enough is enough. We’ve had it! There is WAY too much religion in this country (and this world) for our liking. Whatever happened to secularism, or for anyone living in a conservative locale, seh-pah-ray-shun of church and state. There’s a reason why wars have been fought over people’s obsession with the righteousness of their god. It’s called stupidity. What, exactly, has the man upstairs done lately, anyway? Between non-stop natural disasters, genocides, and the Jersey Shore pandemic, the existence of god seems less likely than that Corey Haim/Brittany Murphy “Where Are They Now?” special airing on VH1 anytime soon. | Maybe the true theological leader sought by the world’s religious fanatics has been hiding in plain site all along. Perhaps a character born of a 1980 Hollywood movie script was representative of much more than a memorable villain, but of a new world order, dominated by British accents and jet-black jump suits. We speak, of course, of a worthy ruler of all Earthlings, none other than Zod. A General by any other name really isn’t a General at all, is he? If you don’t know who Zod is, we pity you. Rest assured though, after watching this clip, we’ll be preaching to the converted. Look at the balance sheet, Zod’s assets far outweigh God’s liabilities. | |||
| Really, does anyone else find it disturbing that 94% of humanity relies on antiquated, judgmental and divisive rules, suppositions and impossible to prove musings to dictate their course of action? Ironically god’s laws were authored by God knows who and were recorded over thousands of years. Additionally, the word of god has been altered and manipulated countless times to suit the immoral motives of men.
Even if the biblical writings were true at one point, should we really rely on ancient directives? Geez, we could tell our administrative assistant to order us a bacon, egg & cheese sandwich and the order is likely to get fouled up on the way to the corner deli. Yet 3,000 years of religious telephone is believable? Come on now. Speaking of bacon, you Jews are missing out. And why? Eh, for another post. Here comes the part where we really piss some people off. Wait for it. Christians really are quite wacky when you think about it. It seems to us that the entire religion is based upon the premise that you are being judged, and if you’re “good,” you get to go to heaven, and if you’re not, well then you’re pretty much f*cked. Newsflash: If you’re SO scared of the afterlife (or not knowing what happens after you die), shouldn’t you spend your time on Earth focused on the here and now, instead of the highly implausible “rise from the dead” fairy tale? Wake up, you’re probably going to be reincarnated as a squid anyway. We don’t care which God you’re praying to either. None of them have been seen or heard from in… we dunno, FOREVER. The next time any Supreme Being makes an appearance on The Chevy Chase Show will be the first. See, because not even god himself could save that train wreck. |
Zod dresses in black. Now here’s a deity with style. What is that thing made out of? Nylon? Rayon? It’s probably some super amazing textile only sold on Krypton. Well, before Krypton’s solar orbit caused the planet’s fiery destruction anyway. The point is, Zod says screw all the billowy white robes and such. He’s thinking comfort, especially if any dudes in tights wanna throw down and he needs to open up a can a smite-ass.
Zod negotiates with mortals. Zod is a pragmatic dude. He doesn’t necessarily believe that Gene Hackman’s Lex Luthor is the greatest criminal mind of the time, but he’s more than happy to work with him in order to gain Superman’s head on a plate. This is the kind of Zodly wheeling and dealing we all should practice. Zod has an entourage. Zod is secure enough in his supremacy that he makes room at his table for others to share in the management of man. Sure, he teams up with Ursa, woman who looks frighteningly like a man, and Non, a guy who can’t form coherent sentences, but that’s beside the point. Zod actually walks on water. Unlike the current God(s), who have never actually been seen or recorded by man, Zod literally walks the walk. We’re told there were no special effects used in the filming of Superman II. Zod has a bitchin’ beard. Forget the flowing white mane of your God. That thing’s likely to have tater-tots and gummy bears from like 3 million years ago rotting away in there. No, we’ll take the manscaped and imposing Zod beard any day of the week, and twice on Sundays. Oh, and Zod doesn’t take off on Sundays either. He has a f*cking work ethic, for Zod’s sake. |
|||
Tags: Christians, General Zod, God, politics, Religion, Satire, superman
I love the observation about “3,000 years of religious telephone.” People suck at being witnesses in a basic car accident. And we would trust them to think clearly if God spoke to them?? Silly superstitious morons.
BTW, I almost knifed this dude for admitting he is a Virgo. But I spared him because I am superior. Scorpios rule!
You dont understand Christianity at all… it has nothing to do with being good. You should probably read up on C.S. Lewis or the bible itself (Dont use NKJV… language moves and the original manuscripts used aren’t the best… try TNIV or NIV or NLT).
You should really consider that your pre-conceptions MIGHT be wrong and go on a truth search… start with a blank slate and consider facts from many many many sources… my guess you find your self an agnostic Monotheist before you know it.
Suggested reads…
History of Time
Mere Christianity
Case for Christ
Case for Faith
Sagan’s memoirs
God in the Docs by C.S. Lewis
The Divine Conspiracy by Dallas Willard
Just a few I have tons of others… mostly Christian reads in this list because I think you have such a weak base of knowledge.
Agreed – WAAAY too much religion ’round these parts.
And may I suggest reading up on the whackiness that is one Sarah Palin: http://www.theawl.com/2010/03/sarah-palins-planet-earth-and-the-end-times
PS: this ’show’ was just picked up by Discovery Channel – http://www.theawl.com/2010/03/discovery-picks-up-the-sarah-palin-show
Thank you for the suggestions Mike. We appreciate you checking us out. There is SOME snark in our piece, but not THAT much.
BTW – I think there are people who actually worship Terence Stamp (he does kick arse): General Zod, Sir Larry Wildman (Wall Street), Chancellor Valorum (Star Wars Ep1), and even a cross-dresser (Bernadette in Priscilla, Queen of the Dessert)
Though I am very much Team God here, I appreciate the piece for what it is. There is nothing wrong with thinking, reading, or viewing issues outside of your comfort zone to solidify your own beliefs. “The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist.” -Usual Suspects
Mary Jay… I totally think the right side of this post is hilarious…
Its just a matter of getting a fair shake on the left side…The left side can have the points made that are even funnier when looked at through an accurately represented angle.
Okay then, what about the Jehovah’s Witnesses whom I vaguely recall carry the belief that there are only 144,000 places in heaven based on 12,000 members of the 12 tribes. So if that IS the case and surely at least 144,000 JW’s have already passed through this world, hasn’t it ever dawned on anyone that those spots just might be already filled? And they are being “good” because?
Other than the well written and clever writing, the best part of this post is on the link to the youtube scene from the movie. In the comments section, someone actually says “that chick is hoooooooooooooot!” referencing the man-like Ursa.
After three decades too many in the Bible Buckle (OK), I think it’s pretty simple: If we could somehow manage to abolish organized religions and political parties, in the words of William Melville Hicks, “..something like Heaven might dawn.”