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| Oy vey, Passover is only one day in, and we’re already sick of eating matzoh. The affliction of our people never ends. For all you uninformed goys and shiksas out there, there’s a reason you can’t find any of your Jewish friends right now. They’re stuck in the bathroom suffering from the type of constipation that only dry, crumbly, tasteless matzoh can provide. And there’s eight more days of joy still to go. | Why do Jews have to be so dramatic though? You don’t see Christians punching holes in their hands cause that’s what JC went through. No, they decorate a tree and have some fat guy deliver gifts in the middle of a snowstorm. We think Jews are focused on the wrong part of the story. We were freed from slavery for Zod’s sake. Shouldn’t we be celebrating that, and dancing in the streets?! | |||
| It’s that time of year again. When the rest of the country is busy dying eggs and making tasty bunnies out of chocolate, the chosen people are lamenting their sad history by dining on a regular diet of cardboard-like crackers and something called gefilte fish. We’re not even sure what the latter is exactly, but we do know to avoid asking questions about how it’s made (at all costs).
Really, it’s just another example of how we do (or Jew). Instead of celebrating, we commemorate by commiserating. It’s the Jewish way. There’s something about being reminded how much our ancestors have suffered that makes us feel less guilty about the fact that we’re so wealthy and powerful now. You know, on account of how we control global banking. And the sweet-wine empire. History, and our Uncle Morris, reminds us that way back when our people were freed from slavery in Egypt, they high-tailed it out of that piece so quickly that there was no time to let their bread rise before baking it for the journey. Instead they tossed the matzoh over their shoulders, fired up the camels, and hit the road. So to remember them during this holy week, we eat only unleavened bread, which somehow translates to no pasta, no bagels, no pizza, no cookies, and no donuts, etc. And as if that wasn’t good enough, some learned scholar decided that corn is way too celebratory, so any and all corn products are also banned. Guess what edibles have corn in them… All Of Them! So what we’re left with is matzoh balls, matzoh brei, matzoh latkahs and a matzoh belly that’s hard as a matzoh rock. |
It’s true that the Clever Jew has always been the contrary son, but hear us out on this one. Shouldn’t Jews be remembering and celebrating Passover by doing all the things their slave forefathers couldn’t do?
How about a giant pizza party every year around this time? Maybe the toppings can be in the shapes of the ten plagues. Red peppers will represent the blood, meatballs will be the slaying of the livestock, and so on. We can still tell the Passover story before we eat, but let’s add a new element to make it more fun, like a drinking game. Anytime someone says Dianu, we all take a drink – we’ll be wasted before the jelly congeals on the gefilte fish. And why, exactly, do Jews commemorate for eight days – it took 40 years for the Jews of old to cross the desert – can’t we get this done in 40 hours? Jews should rethink the way they conduct holidays from now on. How about keeping the really smart things like eight days of gifts for Hanukkah, and our own special Halloween with hamantaschen. But ditch all the yucky things like matzoh and fasting. Even our non Jewish friends would be more likely to participate in the Seder if we served up some delicious challah bread, and a tasty corned beef on rye. And given all the antisemitic vitriol out there, this is a chance for Jews to let everyone see how un-freaky we are in our traditions. So enough with the uber flat-breads, we’ve suffered enough during the past 5770 years. Let’s spend the next 5000 years or so celebrating the fact that we outsmarted the Pharaoh to gain our freedom, and how we rule Hollywood and stuff. |
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Tags: Christianity, Egypt, Fasting, Hollywood, Jews, Matzoh, Passover, Pizza
great article. couldn’t agree more. All in favor raise your lox covered bagel and say “aye”
Passover to me means… soda made with real sugar and more macaroon flavors than in your wildest dreams! Things could be worse, no?
Wait a second here! I was told that The Clever Jew is of the “Sephardic” variety and those folks are allowed to eat rice on passover. Rice is nice!
Hey Schmuckalovitz, we are supposed to suffer. People don’t mess with you when you actually enjoy suffering. Also it reminds the rest of the world to feel guilty about our prior suffering. So eat that motzoh and suffer. And while you’re chewing, stare at all the goyem with a face of disgust as if to say, “See this horrible bread you’re making me eat? Well, you owe me…”
COB – it’s true – I’m getting Chipotle for lunch! Still binding though.
Jew-Bakkah – It’s true, but I want off the suffer train. No one feels bad for me, they are just mad that I left work early for the seders this week.
Wait, so these “Jews” are a real thing? I was under the assumption they were just a Hollywood creation, like Pumpkinhead or Sarah Palin. I guess I owe them an apology. I’m probably the first, too. Eat some sort of wet bread ball for me, then. Passover!!
And another thing, what’s with the spelling? Matzoh, Matza, Matzah, Matzo, we can’t even spell it consistently, just like chanukkah, chanuka, whatever.
I think, rather YOU ARE you’re being over dramatic when talking about the pain and suffering going along with eating matzoh. Thankfully you have matzoh for sustenance and are healthy enough to post this article. Reevaluate what is most important in your life or at the least do not make us all look like fools because you get nachas from complaining. Go volunteer at a children’s hospital and get some perspective on life.
Me dramatic? Noooo… Heeb I think you must be confused because if this is the first Jew you know that gets kicks out of kvetching – then well you don’t know no Jews. For the record, I’m not really healthy enough to post – my carpal tunnel is killing me – and I can’t volunteer with kids because they are too annoying. Shalom!
Its all good. Hopefully you will merit to have grandkids named after you soon
Not gonna lie…I love matzoh ball soup. Especially from Jerry’s Deli in LA. That shit’s the bomb.
I also like bagels and big noses.
Wait…huuuuhh? son-of-a-shiksa!
We have dug ourselves a serious hole here. I raise my Manischevitz and say “Let there be chametz on Passover.”
Or at least when you have a seder, have the decency to lace everyones wine with Metamucil.
I agree with everything this article says. In fact, I was ranting about this same idea when my friend told me about this article. Very well written. I say, we eat TONS of bread, and let our bread raise 3x that of a normal loaf. It’d would be like saying, “NOW we do not run, we have time for our bread to rise, we survived, in your face Pharoh”
Put yourself in their shoes. I can’t speak for my ancestors with any certainty.. but I can confidently say that at least a portion of them would want us to enjoy the fact that we aren’t slaves anymore, and should be proud and sit outside in the sun with a loaf of bread and not depriving ourselves like they HAD TO. Plus, we would could create a new type of bread that stands a foot taller then normal bread. Which would be pretty cool. We’d call it the quadruple loop “We kicked Pharoh’s ass” sugar challah.
How about this — I’ll do it my way, and whoever doesn’t like it can suffer with their matzoh.
Suffering does not mean you care more. Repeat that until you believe it, because it’s true. It’s 2010, and we need to move forward and be positive. Then people will can ask one day, “Why are the jews so joyous on passover?” .. “‘Because they’re celebrating their survival and liberation”
I am so with you on this. We Jewsies need to get off the suffering bandwagon. Especially for things that happened 5,000 years ago give or take. Maror – I eat it cause I like the little nasal “kick” it gives me – like turbo-snuff, not cause I want to suffer the suffering of the Israelites. Charoses – Mmmmm-good. Matzoh – blech, Egg Matzoh – yum.
Sorry, for me Passover is an opportunity for Jews and to come together and “celebrate” our existence and victory over oppression – regardless of when it happened.
Goys and shiksas?
These are derogatory terms used to describe a gentile such as myself.