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| Why must “presentable” mean ordinary and nondescript? Presentable implies a suit & tie, a clean shave, and yes, neatly cropped hair. Presentable also says characterless and tragically similar. What are we, droids? Are we so close to a Brave New World? | Why can’t our attire always reflect our individuality, no matter what the profession? More importantly, why aren’t we always comfortable? Don’t get me wrong, I wanna look good and stuff, but I’d rather rock a pair of Zubaz and a funky tie-dye shirt. | |||
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LESS CORPORATE. MORE COMFORT.
Friday, April 30th, 2010by The Angry Young Man
LESS STAYCATION. MORE CHINA.
Thursday, April 29th, 2010by Johnny Biscuits
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| I recently returned from a ten-day cultural and sightseeing trip in China, visiting Hong Kong, Beijing, Shanghai and a couple of other towns. Rather than offer you my travel log, however, I wanted to provide China with some feedback on how it is doing as it attempts to become a more modern and international country. Hope it helps, China. Love, an American tourist. | Now before you go getting the wrong idea, I should clarify. I actually loved every waking moment during my travels in China (sleep s*cked, lumpy mattresses), and I wholeheartedly recommend that you get over there if/when you have the time. I can prove it, too. Below you’ll find the things that I really dug about the Chinese and their surroundings. I’m an equal opportunity travel scribe. | |||
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LESS HANGOVERS. MORE CURES.
Wednesday, April 28th, 2010by Jacki Moonshine
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| Ah yes, the dreaded hangover. We’ve all been there, on occasion. Some of us more often than others, Hasselhoff. Sometimes a hangover accompanies a great night, sometimes they make a poor night even worse by the next morning. Thanks a lot, unidentified itchy rash. Making matters worse is the fact that my hangovers seem to keep getting worse as I get older. Used to be that I could depend on some binge drinking to remind my friends and neighbors that I am not aging. Perhaps my invincibility streak is ending. | Call me selfish, call me foolish, but quite simply we need a way to ensure that this awful hangover situation never rears its ugly head again. Granted, there are a few people out there, like Congressman Boehner, who should never have access to my proposed hangover cure, but he can just irradiate his hangovers like everyone else, in a tanning booth. As an aside, I can’t even fathom having a drink with a member of the GOP. I get wasted to feel good about myself, not feel angrier, crankier, and more cynical. | |||
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LESS WARS. MORE STAR WARS.
Tuesday, April 27th, 2010by D. Znutts
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| I was wondering… Can everyone just chill the f*ck out, already? Were the lessons of WWI, WWII, Vietnam, etc. lost on everyone? Enough with the religious squabbles, Napoleon complexes and inexplicable stupidity. Every nation and group is self-interested, but let’s deal with things diplomatically. Or die trying. | Anyone who’s anyone knows that any of life’s problems are pretty much solvable by watching Star Wars. If you’re caught in a jam with no way out, all you have to ask yourself is “What would Yoda do?” Seriously, the next time you feel your anger level rise, pretend you’re trying to stack rocks with only your mind. | |||
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LESS WAKE. MORE BAKE.
Monday, April 26th, 2010by Mary Jay Blunt
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| Alarm clocks are the tools of the devil. Chances are you’re among the many unfortunate souls that start their day with these infuriating devices, and if you’re anything like me, you’ve set six different versions on two different devices. To me, a repeated snooze means “just in case.”
Quite simply, waking up just plain sucks. Foggy brains, blurry eyes, glasses, dentures, and slippers in hand, we stumble toward a light source. We curse our mothers for birthing us, we lament our career choices, and we contemplate the consequences of just not showing up to whatever obligation has startled us out of bed. In essence, our life schedule is dictated by someone else’s demands on our time. How is this okay? How is this fair? |
Cookies are great. Brownies are delicious. Cupcakes are better. There is something delightfully wonderful about fresh baked goods, especially ones warm from the oven. Baking conjures up clichéd reminiscences of holidays, times in grandma’s kitchen, and summer picnics. Notwithstanding baking at 4:20pm, making a cake won’t generally get you arrested unless you thought bundt cake meant blunt cake and that Mary Jane infused creation got sold at little Janie’s 5th-grade bake sale.
Seriously, have you ever met someone who doesn’t like a little sweet, a little gooey, and a little carby? Me neither. Baked goods are a universal connector, one that transcends religion, language, culture, politics, and gender. |
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LESS INVESTIGATION. MORE HUNCH.
Friday, April 23rd, 2010by The Clever Jew
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| I’m sure you’ve heard the news of the former Survivor producer whose wife turned up dead in Cancun not long after she confronted him about an extra-marital affair he was having. Well, now this classy producer is kicking up his heels, drinking margaritas, and enjoying fish tacos in 80 degree sunshine. The Mexican police are investigating the facts surrounding the poor woman’s death. That’s right, they’re investigating. Sleuthing. Sherlock Holmesing it up. La Policía surely must know what we all suspect, yet they are unable to pin the crime on the most obvious of culprits. I feel like I’ve heard this sad story before. Yes, I’m certain that I have. Déjà vu all over again. | Come on everyone, admit the obvious: the husband did it. The husband always does it (allegedly). We may joke about killing our spouses, but half the time husbands are serious – and they go through with it. There is something in their stupid brains that makes them believe that because they spent the last X years watching cop shows that they can probably get away with it. Cutting up the limbs and burying them in the snow is a fool-proof way to hide the body… right? This always works, unless you use your kid’s sled to drag their bloody corpse out to the woods. Ugh, when you return the sled to the garage it leaves an obvious blood trail until the snow melts. | |||
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LESS NURTURE. MORE NATURE.
Thursday, April 22nd, 2010by Uncle Peterstain
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| America faces a terrifying epidemic. It’s a problem that’s weakening an entire generation and turning the everyday parent into an easy target for criticism. No, no. Not that Project Runway game for the Wii. I’m actually getting all up in the grill of the group commonly referred to as “Helicopter parents.” You probably think you don’t know one. These are the over-parenting crazies you see at the mall who strap their kids into helmets, harnesses, elbow pads and sometimes even a leash. And they’re likely going to kill us all. | On Tuesday the very disease-free Chairman of the Bored eloquently proposed that getting your kids outside for some playtime is a good thing for their development, and I couldn’t agree more. But this is a little… farther outside, you could say. I’m talking about kids that grow up outside, like me and every other person I know did. There’s something to be said for a kid who can hit a baseball, throw a football, and put the chain back on his bike in time to make it home by curfew. Kids still do those things without digital interaction, right? | |||
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LESS FELINE. MORE CANINE.
Wednesday, April 21st, 2010by Chairman of the Bored
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| The problem with cats is that they suck. Actually, “scratch” that, they really suck. Taking care of a pet is a pretty major responsibility. There’s the initial cost of the animal itself, the expensive toys, beds, accessories, etc., and the never ending stream of vet bills for the decade-plus of care taking (some cats live to age 20!). Don’t forget the inevitable damage to your home and clothing, the boarding fees/hassle, and the very real notion that owning a pet means being responsible for a life. Quite simply, the kitty comes up short when you run a calculation of the ROI. We astute dog owners know that to be our return on investment. | Man’s Best Friend, how can you possibly achieve a better moniker than that?! Dogs are one the few examples left in the world of pure joy, personified. Ummm, make that caninified. Seriously, unless they’ve trained at Bad Newz Kennels or by The Clever Jew, dogs are all about love, enthusiasm and naps. A dog cannot help but greet you at the door upon your return home, it’s in his DNA. Its almost like dogs are suffer the same short-term memory loss as that dude from Memento. If you leave for 5 minutes, your dog will act like you were gone for 5 days. It’s f*cking awesome. And it’s the payoff for a lifetime of pooper scoopers and bad breath. | |||
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LESS SPECIALIZE. MORE PLAY.
Tuesday, April 20th, 2010by Betty Cracked
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| Is it just me, or has anyone else noticed a disturbing trend with respect to specialization? No, I don’t mean in the medical or legal professions, I mean regarding kids. Everywhere you look, it seems children by the ripe old age of 10 are being encouraged, nay bullied, into honing their athletic prowess. “Love basketball, Jimmy? Then you must register for that 8- week summer camp, you have to participate in the spring training league and, you’re definitely going to want forgo interest in any other activity.” Never mind that Jimmy’s jump shot is less LeBron James and more Bill Gates. | Attention Parents! The time has come for a revolutionary idea for your children. It’s called – PLAYING. I know, unstructured time allotment is very frightening for you and your kids, but they will figure out what to do. Remember freeze tag, man hunt, pick-up games of basketball, football, stickball? How about riding a bike with friends? Ahhh, yes. Good times indeed. Parents used to simply send their kids outside (after homework) and instruct them not to come home until the street lights went on. Sure, some of that was willful neglect (and sexy time for Mom and Dad), but we all turned out ok, right? | |||
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LESS CHOICE. MORE COMMITMENT.
Monday, April 19th, 2010by Professor Lecherous
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| In the land of plenty, we have so many choices. And many of us believe that’s a good thing. Hey, we can choose what we like at any given moment. It’s part and parcel to our belief system as Americans. It’s freedom, baby. To choose whatever the heck we want and discard the rest. But research reveals that too many choices does not make us any happier, as consumers or as people. All those choices out there dull our mental faculties and make it harder for us to concentrate when we need to. Psychologists call it “decision fatigue.” I call it “when enough is enough.” | What is wrong with commitment? Must we be so obsessed with having the “best” that we can have, and making sure we’re not missing out on “something better?” It wasn’t very long ago in this country that people were thankful for what they had, and believed in locking down a sure thing that merely worked, was satisfactory and unlikely to be useless before long. It’s an embarrassment of riches ’round here, and instead of appreciating the availability of pretty much anything we want, we avoid commitment on all levels. | |||
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LESS 20th CENTURY. MORE 21st CENTURY.
Friday, April 16th, 2010by Dr. Nate Selection
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| American cultural growth since the start of the 21st century has been abysmal. Part of me wants to blame it on that anti-climatic Y2K scare, but maybe it goes deeper than that. What has happened over the last decade? Certainly 9/11 and its aftermath (two wars), but objectively, we’ve been stuck in neutral when it comes to a cultural progression. 100 years from now, they’re gonna dig up the 2000-2010 time capsule. Lets take a peek at what they’ll find. | So how do we remedy this little ten-year rut that we’re in? How do we encourage and cultivate some creativity, and ring in a cultural renaissance? First and foremost, we need to hear from you! Yes you. You may think you’re just one of the tens of thousands reading this site daily (not), but you’re so much more than that. Great ideas become viral when everyone contributes to the dialogue. Here… I will get y’all started with some suggestions. | |||
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LESS POLITICAL PARTIES. MORE POOL PARTIES.
Thursday, April 15th, 2010by The Angry Young Man
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| We’re a country divided. It seems we’re eternally locked in the battle between Republicans and Democrats, Conservatives and Liberals, Celtics and Lakers, Star Trek and Star Wars. Sure, the two party system has been a stable of our government for ages, but hasn’t it also fostered a great divide among We the People? | Nothing, and I mean nothing, brings people together better than a good pool party. It’s the perfect opportunity to show off how good we look in pastels! Even Hawaiian shirts are totally coming back (you heard it from me first). Where else can you get away with peeing on someone (assuming you’re not R. Kelly) without them noticing?! | |||
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LESS RAGE. MORE FACT-CHECK.
Wednesday, April 14th, 2010by Jacki Moonshine
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| There’s been something on my mind of late and it’s really starting to grind my gears. The HCR debate brought this to light, but it’s been going on for far too long. Picture yourself at the bar, at your place of gainful employment, or even here amongst some genius bloggers. It always starts the same way: someone makes a statement based on nothing more than their stupid opinion. Immediate rage ensues. | What ever happened to having some facts before you mix it up in the arena of political discussion? You know, like those Fox News journalists. Not! How about reading some sports news or stats before making bold predictions? Heck, even picking up your local newspaper once in a while would suffice! Ultimately, that’s the best part of the Interwebs. You can learn before opening your mouth! | |||
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LESS FOR FEW. MORE FOR ALL.
Tuesday, April 13th, 2010by Jacki Moonshine
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| It’s that time of year again. The annual “20 Highest Paid CEO’s” list came out for the 2009 fiscal year, and if you thought you felt sick before, think again. A quick scan of the list only validates what I’ve been preaching for years, which is less of the rich getting richer, more slices of the pie for everyone else. | Now don’t go assuming that I’m in favor of slashing executive salaries and diverting the funds into the Bank of Jacki Moonshine. Although I am in line for a pay increase. No, I’m speaking up for all the teachers, police officers, social workers, nurses, and every underpaid and overworked employee out there. | |||
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LESS GURUS. MORE JOBS.
Monday, April 12th, 2010by D. Znutts
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| Newsflash: Social media is here to stay. And with it comes an infinite number of self proclaimed “gurus.” They’re everywhere! They’re on Twitter, Facebook, and Myspank. The most annoying of these people are the so called digital/internet media gurus. It seems the interwebs have taken narcissism to a whole new level. Now, a**holes like me can write ridiculous things about ridiculous topics (like farts) and get mass attention. Except that I don’t claim to be a guru. I’m just a broad with a sensible opinion. | No, not that Jobs. I mean real positions with real job titles. Really, anything will do – Janitor, Stripper, Ass-waxer, even Toll-booth Attendant – please just don’t call yourself a “guru.” Honestly, it just sounds f*cking ridiculous. The term is abused, overused, and has no meaning. Here’s some advice to people with 5,000 mutual Twitter followers: Stop guru’ing with one another all day long! I guarantee said guru’ing ceases beyond Twitter, which in essence makes it less of a job, and more of a pathetic attempt at validating the fact that you have no actual job. | |||
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LESS CYBER WAR. MORE COMPUTERS 101.
Friday, April 9th, 2010by Uncle Peterstain
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| Ok, so there’s good news and there’s bad news. On the bright side, as you may have noticed, the U.S. has some of the most advanced technology on Earth. Unfortunately, however, we’re naturally the country who is most reliant on advanced technology. That means we’re ridiculously vulnerable to cyber-attacks, and it sure sounds like a situation badder than kung fu Hell. A motivated nerd could basically shut America down electronically, were he to develop the tools, and align with a set of like-minded, radical friends.
Remember when Russian hackers punched Georgia’s digital nuts in 2008, as part of that little slap fight of a war they had. It wasn’t on a huge scale, but it was definitely noticed by the U.S. intelligence community. Having a President who knows that computers are more than just “them little YouTube boxes” probably helped. |
Sad but true: A lot of Americans can’t even turn on a computer. Sure, that might sound stupid to you, a physically attractive, intelligent blog follower. But the numbers never lie, unless you’re a banker or something. Computer literacy is rapidly becoming one of the most important skills one can possess in order to contribute positively to our society. It’s right up there with driving and throwing a perfect spiral. The problem is so pervasive that it’s spawned a new term, “Digital Divide,” to describe the gap between the people with computers and the skills to use them and the people without.
At first we thought Digital Divide was just Brooklyn’s best new electro-folk trio, but it turns out this concept has long been applied to intellect and financial status. This is a little different. This time… (dramatically removes sunglasses) it’s about national security. |
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LESS POKING. MORE PHONING.
Thursday, April 8th, 2010by Chairman of the Bored
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| At first glance it may seem innocuous enough, but the ubiquitous Facebook “poke” feature is starting to reach cataclysmic proportions. Communication has degraded into some kind of cyber ping-pong: You like-me? I-like-you You-like-me? I-like-you ad infinitum. As a staff, we didn’t grow up in the most chivalrous of ages, so that’s probably why haven’t really noticed or been bothered by the migration of human interaction to online platforms. Surely, chatting, IM’ing, and texting is how we roll too, but from a romantic perspective, it’s rather disconcerting. | With all the mobiles floating around nowadays, you’d think there would be more phone calls. And yet, all we see are people tapping away on their iPhones for hours on end. They also take a lot of pictures (of food, dogs, houseplants, gardens, and genitals). Sometimes they even blast the latest Timberlake single. But talking? Seems like only banker dudes engage in that tomfoolery. “Buy! Sell! Call me in Hong Kong!” Even Tiger Woods preferred texting to talking. Technically, that was sexting, but that point gets lost in translation, because no one talks to one another anymore anyway! | |||
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LESS WAR. MORE PILLOW FIGHTS.
Wednesday, April 7th, 2010by Mrs. Robinson
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| Imagine if people used pillows instead of tanks and guns to solve their disputes. Not only would the world be a lot safer place, but it would also be a lot more fun. April 3rd was International Pillow Fight Day, and from New York to the Ukraine, battle hardened soldiers armed themselves with feathers and foam to duke it out. The masses converged at pre-designated spots for flash mob-pillow fights. Next year, we are SO there. | Pillow fights resurrect our youth, and return us to a simpler, happier, more carefree time. A time before we worried about the economy, planes being flown into buildings, and a touch of the Swine. Pillow fights may even begin in anger, but they almost always end in laughter, sexy-time, or a concussion. If it’s good enough for the Beatles (above in a Paris hotel), then it should be good enough for dictators and frienemies alike. | |||
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LESS RED TAPE. MORE RED CARPET.
Tuesday, April 6th, 2010by Chairman of the Bored
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| Have you noticed lately that even the most basic of tasks take a ridiculous amount of time and cause an infinite amount of frustration? It’s getting to the point where it’s easier to just put up with faulty products, lost baggage, and a proverbial fly in your soup than to actually seek a measure of effective customer service. | What if companies (and their well trained employees) started putting you first, and their bottom line (and complacency) second? What if everyone realized that by wisely exercising their own personal purchasing power, they can send a powerful message to companies that don’t believe that “the customer is always right?” | |||
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LESS JUDAS. MORE JESUS.
Monday, April 5th, 2010by Mary Jay Blunt
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| In the spirit of Easter, imagine Judas as a house guest on the next season of Big Brother. If the show’s premier debuted on a Good Friday, then by Easter, Judas would have been voted off. Depicted in the the New Testament as a thief and lover of money, Judas is more infamously remembered for the “kiss of betrayal” which led Jewish authorities to identify and arrest Jesus. Sure, Judas wasn’t the only one of the the original D12 (not to be confused with Eminem’s D12) to turn on JC, but Judas remains the one everyone loves to hate.
The Bible claims that Judas’s transgressions were revisited upon him via a dramatic hanging, a headfirst fling into a field, or a disembowelment. Though we’re not in the business of heresy or blasphemy (See Less God, More Zod), we’d kinda think the Bible got it wrong on this one. Judas still lives, folks. Don’t believe us? There’s no doubt about it, “Team Judas” is among us. How else can you explain the following? |
Aside from being God and “dying” for the sins of man (in such dramatic fashion), the Messiah is a pretty all right dude. How can you not get down with a guy who lets everyone have a little nosh of his body and a sip of his blood, completely free of charge?! Yeah, that virgin birth story seems a little far fetched. God (the Father) must have dropped down from the heavens for some ass every now and again. It’s also hard to believe that someone can die, come back to life, and not be a brain-eating zombie. But let’s push that aside for just a moment.
The true coolness of Haysoos Christos is that he is the guy we all wish we could be. If everyone acted a little more Jesus-like, the world would be a better place. No more Tea Parties or Coffee Parties, everything would be one big party! With wine! And all-you-can-eat fish and bread! And loved ones brought back from the dead! See? Team Jesus for sure. Still not sold on the Son of God? Think about it, people. What would Jesus really do? |
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LESS SHEEP. MORE BALLS.
Friday, April 2nd, 2010by D. Znutts
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| I don’t know about you, but I actually enjoy it when someone has an opinion independent from my own. I find people who agree on everything to be annoying (and possible Russian or Chinese spies). Yes, I know I am right quite often, and therefore people tend to be agreeable when I enter a room. It’s only natural. However, I will admit I do like to discuss provocative subjects, especially when my efforts arouse some sort of opinion or reaction. I find that banter actually stimulates my own growth, and it’s pretty fun to debate. Arouse, stimulate, see? Now you’re paying attention, aren’t you? | It’s true. I’ve got a long-standing history with pushing the envelope and challenging the status quo. They don’t call me D. Znutts for nothin’, but not everyone can mix it up like I can. You’ll probably end up in a bar fight, or worse, whereas I’m a smokin’ hot chick, and can usually charm my way outta trouble. Looks don’t matter though, standing up for what you believe usually pays more dividends than blending in like a wallflower. Passionate or knowledgeable about something? Then grow a set, and speak up for your beliefs! As the saying goes, “With great risk, comes great reward.” | |||
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LESS HIBERNATION. MORE EXPLORATION.
Thursday, April 1st, 2010by The Angry Young Man
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| At long last, Old Man Winter has finally packed his bags and hit the road. And naturally the time has come to break out of our man-caves, shed those thermal layers, and get back to exploring the great outdoors. | We men (and women) are built for exploration. We’ve got opposable thumbs for Zod’s sake! Why not celebrate your superior DNA and become your own kind of Survivorman (or GI Jane if you’re stuck with XX chromosomes)? | |||
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LESS MARCH. MORE APRIL.
Thursday, April 1st, 2010by Chairman of the Bored
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| Wondering where all the content went? Click here to see all the good stuff you missed in March! | ||
