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| The problem with cats is that they suck. Actually, “scratch” that, they really suck. Taking care of a pet is a pretty major responsibility. There’s the initial cost of the animal itself, the expensive toys, beds, accessories, etc., and the never ending stream of vet bills for the decade-plus of care taking (some cats live to age 20!). Don’t forget the inevitable damage to your home and clothing, the boarding fees/hassle, and the very real notion that owning a pet means being responsible for a life. Quite simply, the kitty comes up short when you run a calculation of the ROI. We astute dog owners know that to be our return on investment. | Man’s Best Friend, how can you possibly achieve a better moniker than that?! Dogs are one the few examples left in the world of pure joy, personified. Ummm, make that caninified. Seriously, unless they’ve trained at Bad Newz Kennels or by The Clever Jew, dogs are all about love, enthusiasm and naps. A dog cannot help but greet you at the door upon your return home, it’s in his DNA. Its almost like dogs are suffer the same short-term memory loss as that dude from Memento. If you leave for 5 minutes, your dog will act like you were gone for 5 days. It’s f*cking awesome. And it’s the payoff for a lifetime of pooper scoopers and bad breath. | |||
| Cats are very much like women. They’re independent, they don’t follow commands well, if at all, and they’re far more likely to dig their nails into your skin than they are to lick your face or give sloppy wet kisses. Plus, when you wake up for no reason in the middle of the night, women and cats are always 2 inches from your face, wide awake and staring at you. Yikes, no thanks.
If I’m going to spend my time, energy and money to care for an animal, it damn well better be there to greet me at the door when I come from slaving away at the office. Sure, I get that a cat may not necessarily need me, on account of its ability to scare up wild game and drag it back into my house, but I’m not having it. Really, who came up with the idea of “domesticating” an animal whose primal urges lead it to kill and collect vermin? Maybe the first clue that cats were unsuitable as pets came when owners decided it was a good idea to amputate part of their cat’s paws to eliminate the claws. Hmmm, color me a crazy man, but the last time I wanted to cut anything off my dog, it was merely his testicles. Hey, Bob Barker is my hero. I apologize to all the cat owners out there, including Johnny Biscuits, but owning a cat is the equivalent to driving an automatic instead of a manual. Cats are the lazy person’s pet, a way to keep your freedom (cats can do just fine for a week alone), and lose your rightful position as king of your castle. Cats don’t respect people, they’re incapable. Remember this the next time little Whiskers is shedding up a storm on your kitchen counter. You know, that place where you prepare food and stuff. |
The main difference between dogs and cats is that dogs know and appreciate full well where their bread is buttered. How else can you explain the greatest wonder of natural section on the planet? Imagine, an animal with no discernible survival skills whatsoever has managed to set himself up with your flat screen tv and steak leftovers for life! It’s almost as if 1,000 years ago, the council of canine elders got together and voted to provide smiles, snuggles and sloppy kisses in exchange for room and board… for eternity. Sheer genius.
Dogs do not exist solely to look cute and make people feel better, either. Dogs watch your stuff for you when you’re not around. Dogs alert you to peeping toms and those irritating home invasion types long before they get anywhere near the ranch. Dogs find earthquake victims trapped in the rubble. Dogs make sure that crazy fundamentalists aren’t strolling around Grand Central Station with knapsacks full of C4. Dogs grant blind people their independence. Dogs can detect cancer months before modern medical technology can. Dogs find kidnapping victims from hundreds of miles away. Cats? They drop deuces in your bathroom in a smelly tray of sandy pebbles. When you look at the balance sheet, the conclusion is clear. Dogs drool, but they also rule. Sure, you might have to make arrangements to have someone care for Fido when you’re gallivanting in Nice for a month, but unlike your cat, he won’t hold a grudge when you come home. Just make sure you bring him some gourmet calves liver treats and thoroughly marinate them in bison broth. |
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Tags: Bob Barker, Cats, Dogs, Pets, Seeing-Eye Dogs
Bee-U-tee-full doggie there!
Mrs. Robinson, who has a cat who fetches like a dog, who drinks from the faucet and who greets me at the door like person takes umbrage at these here remarks. I have no fondness for slobbering, shedding, needy, needing to be walked creatures unless they are owned by someone else.
View from the other side:
Dogs are high maintenance; Cats are no maintenance
Dogs are stinky and don’t mind rolling in crap; Cats are clean and fastidious
Dogs would crap up the house you got delayed for a half a day; Cats poop only in one place – the litter box.
Dogs often will eat crap; Cats don’t go near it and bury theirs
Dogs will gorge themselves on food and then throw up; Cats eat until they aren’t hungry and then stop.
Dogs will sniff every strangers crotch; Cats – well they aren’t interested in your hygiene.
Dogs have halitosis; Cats sometimes have fishy breath but not often.
Dogs have often been known to kill their master or other people; Cats may scratch you if you are rough with it.
Many dogs are interminably noisy; Cats may meow a bit but are generally quiet.
Dogs drool on you when they are happy; Cats purr (that sound is known to lower blood pressure)
Dogs major athleticism is running; Cats are agile, strong, fast, jump many times their height, and can fall great distances with no injury.
I can go on but I think I’ve made my point