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| Ahhh, Spring. That wonderful time of year when flowers bloom, trees ditch that barren spookiness and all the world emerges from its winter cocoon. Satisfying sounds of the thwack of a baseball hitting a bat, the pounding of feet against the road and the cheers of the crowd permeate the air. But there’s one dirty little secret that comes with spending all that pent up energy… laundry. | All that laundry is enough to make anyone insane. In fact, you might not want to ask me where your favorite shirt is (if you value your life and certain parts of your anatomy. I think we all need a cure from the monotony of domestic chores. Something to add a little spice to our daily experience. I’m talking about margaritas. Yup, just thinking about that refreshing frosty drink makes me want to smile. | |||
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LESS LAUNDRY. MORE MARGARITAS.
Friday, May 28th, 2010by Betty Cracked
LESS (RE)HASH. MORE NEW BUZZ.
Thursday, May 27th, 2010by Dimebag Darrell
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| Out with the old, in with the new, I say. Too long has Hollywood survived on its remakes of films of yesteryear. Now, it’s just getting to a point where I am offended as a paying moviegoer and drama major; it’s getting to a point where I am forced to dedicate 400-plus words to express my film-geek anger. | Look, I can’t sit here and tell you how difficult it is to come up with an entirely original idea that is fit for the silver screen. What I can tell you, though, is that the public is fed up with the remakes. It is time to embrace your inner psychotic surgeon and come up with some thrilling (and new!) ideas, Hollywood. | |||
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LESS DRUNK. MORE SOBER.
Wednesday, May 26th, 2010by Mary Jay Blunt
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| Tis the season for trips to wineries and ballpark brews. There is something spectacular about enjoying a cold glass of depressant to ease the awkwardness of summer socials, but have you seen how dangerously unwound people become with a few sips of sangria? Business associates turn into buffoons; classmates turn into circus casualties; housewives turn whorish. No matter the company, libations tend to free the inner schmuck. Don’t get us wrong, dear readers. No need to stop drinking. We advocate safe consumption and frivolity and enjoy watching you make an arse of yourself. | It is difficult to even type this, but honestly, sobriety is a good thing. Sure, Sober Sally may be missing out on a good walk of shame, but all that glitters isn’t gold. Sometimes what glitters is chunky puke in the glow of the streetlight. While friends are waking up wishing for death to come swiftly, Sober Sally awakens with a refreshed outlook on life. Mornings are hard enough without adding the insult of a hangover; why put yourself through unnecessary agony? Though it may appear that refraining from drinking means missing out on good times, many of us could benefit from cutting back on the bubbly. | |||
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LESS KFC. MORE EMERGEN-C.
Tuesday, May 25th, 2010by Ms. Anne Threaup
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| The fact they don’t call it “chicken” should be your first clue. That it was founded by a Colonel who wasn’t really a Colonel and bears an uncanny resemblance to a plantation owner from the Old South should be another. Even unlikely bedfellows Pamela Anderson and the Dalai Lama agree that they would rather starve than eat there. Yet, KFC is America’s most popular fried chicken restaurant, with over 5,000 stores serving millions of customers daily. Do you have any idea how many genetically engineered chickens that is per day? | Heads up, alcoholics. Few things in life are certain: Death, taxes, and hangovers that get exponentially worse the minute you hit 30, even though you’ve traded in the Red Headed Sluts and Jagerbombs for single malt whiskey in an earnest attempt to avoid that throbbing headache that seems to hit the next day around 10 am when last night’s drunk, which made the early morning tolerable and at times even amusing, wears off and you hate the world again as much as you did yesterday, which is what drove you to drink in the first place. | |||
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LESS APATHY. MORE EMPATHY.
Monday, May 24th, 2010by Professor Lecherous
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| OK, so I am not merely a fictitious professor. I am actually a real professor. I know, shudder to think. But as the semester draws to a close, I am concerned and frightened by what I have seen. This current generation of college-goers, aptly dubbed the Millennials, do not seem to give a crap about anything unless it affects them directly. They fail to recognize cause and effect and the interconnectedness of all things, historical and otherwise. They fail to recognize that every dollar they save at Wal-Mart is a dollar that comes from someone’s labor (life) elsewhere. Heck, if they were all Chinese girls tethered to their machines to manufacture that crap, they’d think otherwise. | I recently had one of those “teachable moments” in class where a student of mine shared his experience in Iraq. He suffers from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and is simply unable to bear some of the videos and documentaries I show in class due to their violent nature. As we concluded the film Why We Fight, I asked the class for comments and/or questions. The student told us how his friend was forced to remain in harm’s way even though his tour of duty was up. He let the class know that the U.S. Army had him perform unnecessary training as a reason to justify the extension of his service. He concluded his comments with a story that gave everyone pause. | |||
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LESS MEATHEADS. MORE MEATLOAVES.
Friday, May 21st, 2010by The Angry Young Man
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| Sleeveless, tight shirt. Headband, bandanna or skullcap. Loud grunting while powering through a set of reps. Slamming weights down. Long swig of protein shake washed down with a heavy gulp of water from gallon jug. Yes, you have encountered a meathead. Beware, and do not engage. | While meatheads may be a cruel reality of the gym, we can console ourselves outside of that barbaric domain with the finer things of life … such as the incredible, edible meatloaf. Yes, that simple yet magnificent Midwestern delicacy; how can one resist? Grab your fork and definitely do engage. | |||
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LESS WALL STREET. MORE TREASURE ISLE.
Thursday, May 20th, 2010by Jacki Moonshine
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| For many years, any Johnny Pencil Pusher who wanted to invest his money has set aside his fortune and selected stocks and bonds for his portfolio. Some hire brokers to make these decisions for them, and others slog through the Wall Street Journal for hot tips (or just throw darts at a board). | It may be time to get a little Chester Copperpot on the financial services industry. We’re talking buried treasure here, folks. Everyone has an attic or basement or family home with lots of old crap. Spend a weekend rummaging through and you’re sure to find a map of some sort. | |||
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LESS FIST-PUMP. MORE FIST-BUMP.
Wednesday, May 19th, 2010by Ms. Anne Threaup
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| Here’s the real Situation: People need to stop watching Jersey Shore. Seriously. When you know the names of all the kids on the show, including what they eat and who they f*ck (and the two are often interchangeable), then my hunch is you’re no longer watching the show to be ironic. What’s ironic is that you, a seemingly functional human being, find entertainment value in that hour-long train wreck of drunken drivel. | Remember back in 2008 when Americans were so misty-eyed and full of hope? Suddenly we had our own version of the Kennedys asking us to envision a Camelot, just within our reach. Presidential candidate Barack Obama and wife Michelle promised change to a country that had become jaded over the past eight years. It seemed only one thing would get us through the endless election buildup: The Fist Bump. | |||
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LESS YES. MORE NO.
Tuesday, May 18th, 2010by Betty Cracked
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| I know, I know. It’s not PC to comment on other people’s parenting styles, but I’m going to dive in (and offend) anyway. | Surely none of you would be sucked in by your pleading kid. You are much too clever to be done in by big eyes and an “I’ll love you forever.” | |||
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LESS WISE-ASS. MORE KICK-ASS.
Monday, May 17th, 2010by Dimebag Darrell
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| People talk too much crap nowadays. You would be amazed at what classifies as an argument at the local high school. I visited my alma mater recently and saw two boys yelling at each other over a game of cards about how there might have been shenanigans going on. What ensued was a series of curses and emphatic finger-pointing (finger-pointing!), yet not a single punch or shove. | Unlike the teenage boys who were unable to actually throw a haymaker or two, I am advocating a return to a much more physical culture. I truly believe this would solve countless societal issues. If someone tries to cut in front of you in line at Starbucks, a quick backhand upside the ol’ noodle would suffice. No stunned look on your face to express disbelief and disrespect, just a slap and a “Get back there.” | |||
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LESS DOLTS. MORE DOLPHINS.
Friday, May 14th, 2010by Mrs. Robinson
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| Three plus years into the post apocalypse of divorce and swimming in the bleak dating pool, I’ve had enough. At first I figured that among my many friends and acquaintances, someone might know a decent, single man to whom they could introduce me. Apparently not, so I ventured into online dating with trepidation and a huge sense of humor. Maybe was expecting too much, but mostly I met a bunch of dolts who looked nothing like their picture. | Let’s look at the balance sheet here. Clearly men, aka dolts, come up short in almost every way. Dolphins have more grace and intelligence. They’ve also got much smoother skin, too. And dolphins don’t troll dating sites, they just troll seabeds for tasty fish to eat. They are beautiful and delightful creatures that mesmerize and captivate people worldwide with their antics and humanity. Men don’t mesmerize or captivate, unless they’re gay. | |||
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LESS GIRL-FIGHTING. MORE GIRL-BONDING.
Thursday, May 13th, 2010by Betty Cracked
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| Ladies, this one is directed at you. More specifically, this is for those of you who have been fortunate enough to become mothers. | Luckily for all of you, I’ve been both a working mom and a stay-at-home mom, so I am here to provide a few words of wisdom for both camps. | |||
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LESS BOTOX. MORE BETTY.
Wednesday, May 12th, 2010by Sasha Sassalotski
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| I noticed a tall, striking woman in a bar the other day. Fit and blonde, she had on low-rise jeans and a tight crop T-shirt that showed off her tight abs and belly-button ring. Sexy, no? More like embarrassing: She was 40 if she was a day, thinking she was hot, and she was not. | Actress/comedian Betty White made a splash recently with her guest host spot on “Saturday Night Live,” drawing the most viewers to SNL since November 2008 when John McCain made an appearance. Betty is 88 and still kicking hard, and should be an inspiration to women of any age. | |||
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LESS CANINE. MORE FELINE.
Tuesday, May 11th, 2010by Johnny Biscuits
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| It’s always been strange to me that someone can hate cats as a species. It’s obviously “speciesism” to lump together an entire group of animals like that. So why would an otherwise intelligent person do such a thing? The answer is that it’s probably not really about cats at all. They’re just the collateral feline damage. The dogs-versus-cats battle is actually a symbolic metaphor for masculine versus feminine love. The Chairman of the Bored said it himself: “Cats are like women.” As such, while I will attempt to directly address the anti-cat establishment, I will also illuminate you regarding the underlying issues of human interaction. | Many (not all) dogs give unconditional love to everyone they meet. But does that make them superior? Even cat haters act more like cats than dogs in this regard. That is, most of us can be very loving if given the chance, but maybe some of us need a bit of getting-to-know-you time. Women and cats ARE actually quite similar, especially when it comes to earning love. I’ll just say this about Kittys and Chicks: all their love will be yours if you pay attention to and know how to pet them. Therefore cats are decidedly NOT for lazy people. Instead, they demand effort to give love & affection in order to earn their loyalty. | |||
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LESS MEN. MORE ZEN.
Monday, May 10th, 2010by D. Znutts
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| As a LessThis writer, I like to think that I touch the hearts and minds of both men and women. I can’t help it, as one reader said, “D. Znutts has the charisma of a snake charmer.” And she didn’t mean only one-eyed trouser snakes, but real snakes. Like scary anacondas and black mambas, they’re like putty in my snarky little hands. However, this week, I’m telling men to f*ck off. | That’s right, ladies, the time has come for male detox. You’re clearly out of balance and in need for some you-time. And that can mean only one thing – your spa appointment is long overdue. Breathe. Relax. It’s time to treat yourself, to indulge, and to enjoy. A massage and a facial (hey now, not that kind.) ought to chill you out. Anything to get your mind off men. | |||
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LESS THERAPY. MORE SHOES.
Friday, May 7th, 2010by Betty Cracked
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| What’s going on with Americans? Most of us have homes, cars, enough food to eat, and some of us can even take the occassional vacation. But if you watch TV tv on any given night, you get the sense that we’re overwhelmingly depressed. | Maybe there’s a way for all of us to feel better about ourselves. Men, have you ever been thoroughly confused by your lady’s obessession with shoes? Well guess what, she may be dumb, but her Momma didn’t raise no dummy. | |||
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LESS MOBILE. MORE MANNERS.
Thursday, May 6th, 2010by D. Znutts
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| Do not use. Your cell phone. In the middle. Of dinner. Or other inappropriate settings. I am 100% certain this is an annoyance that everyone on the planet shares. Well, except the clueless people who are guilty of such behavior. Is it really too much to ask folks not to do this? I was at a restaurant the other day and there was a couple texting away during their dinner. WTF? No wonder the divorce rate is somewhere around 50%. This behavior says to your partner “You are completely unimportant and uninteresting to me and I would rather engage in a battery-operated device than speak to you.” Ladies (and gentlemen?) let’s leave the battery-operated devices in the bedroom. I know what you’re thinking. Yes, that’s what I meant. And That’s What She Said. | Get a clue, everyone. I don’t give a crap if you’re on a deadline. When you’re in an intimate setting, simply leave the room or better yet, put the phone away. Is your bidness SO important that you can’t set aside one little hour to enjoy a decent meal and conversation? No one wants to hear what’s going on with your stock, your housekeeper or your itchy rash. Believe it or not, other people are trying to enjoy their dinner or wind down during the commute. Even if your date/wife is the least interesting person on the planet, never act like a complete jerk, even if you are one. Be aware of and considerate of those around you. If you stop for a second and think about what you’re doing, you can’t possibly say to yourself, “Yea, this isn’t bothering everyone around me right now.” | |||
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LESS CITY. MORE COUNTRY.
Wednesday, May 5th, 2010by Uncle Peterstain
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| Brace yourselves, folks. This token redneck has decided to decry your fancy city-livin’ with total disregard for the truth. Naturally, that’s not entirely true. There are many benefits to living in a big city, including culture, entertainment, industry and the classiness of major league sports. But the drawbacks sure are starting to pile up, aren’t they? Hell, I bet if you asked a hundred city-dwellers to name five good things about their city, they’d just hit you in the face with their iPad and run away in assumed fear of being mugged. It’s too bad their city has made them so paranoid. They might have enjoyed that talk. | Ahh, clean air and fresh cut grass. Everybody knows that our olfactory senses are the strongest links to specific memories and like a typical hick, “country air” is seared into my brain forever. It’s an odd mix of no-pollution, grass, and oddly enough, cow manure, and it is the smell of my youth. Don’t get it twisted – I didn’t grow up on a farm or anything. Just in a small, “agriculturally inclined” town right in the middle of the U.S.’s beautifully monotonous Heartland. We were just a short drive from the city, but we might as well have been raised in a time warp. Damn, I miss the 1980s | |||
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LESS USA. MORE NYC.
Tuesday, May 4th, 2010by Dimebag Darrell
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| We here at LTMT are multi-dimensional folk. We love sports, fine cuisine, beer, recreational drugs, beer, sex, beer and traveling. Ah, traveling. Now, I’m not talking about awe-inspiring trips to see the Sistine Chapel in person (by the way, if you want to send me on a murderous rampage, call it the “Sixteenth Chapel”) or spontaneous trips to Amsterdam that you’ll likely misremember a few weeks later, but I mean trips across this great, vast nation of ours. | You know how I know New York City is awesome? People who are famous and rich say so. In fact, an abundance of great writers before my time have waxed poetic about the romance and atmosphere of this city, and awesome guys and gals certainly don’t need to speaks words that have already been spoken. Nope, this piece is about why folks who were born & raised in the NYC should forever be grateful that theirs is the home of the Shake Shack… and not of Sweet Home Alabama. | |||
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LESS NONSENSE. MORE COMMON SENSE.
Monday, May 3rd, 2010by Professor Lecherous
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| The last few weeks I’ve noticed the über-silliness of conservative Americans shoot right through the stratosphere of common decency. Their type of thinking is so far-fetched, I felt it would be wise to jot down a few meanderings and musings regarding their misguided beliefs and short-sighted analyses. But where to begin? Eh, I’ll just take an over arching perspective. Nonsense is everywhere, it’s not very hard to point out. | How about using some common sense? Turn off Fox News for one freaking second, and think. Use that tax-payer funded public school education for something. Something useful. Like making your own INFORMED decisions. Undoubtedly, some will reply, “But Prof, I am making my own decisions…so long as they’re Fox-approved and promoted.” No, you’re not. You can spin till the cows come home, but facts are facts. Pencils out, class! | |||
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LESS APRIL. MORE MAY.
Monday, May 3rd, 2010by Chairman of the Bored
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| Wondering where all the content went? Click here to see all the good stuff you missed in April! | ||
