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| Enough already! I’ve had it. Can we please dispense with the hoopla surrounding the impending decision of “The Chosen One” (a.k.a. Lebron James) on which NBA team to play for/city to be deified in. Oh yeah, and how soon he can become a billionaire. | Can you hear that? It’s the sound of anyone reading this column booing me right now. I understand. At first, I wanted to boo myself, but much as you want to hate him, the guy is a winner. He may be cocky or arrogant, but winners are entitled to be that way. | |||
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LESS LEBRON. MORE KOBE.
Wednesday, June 30th, 2010by Jacki Moonshine
LESS STEELY DAN. MORE STEEL CAGE.
Tuesday, June 29th, 2010by The Angry Young Man
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| Screw Steely Dan. This is one so-called rock band I could do without on my local classic rock station. Sure, these guys are praised for their detailed attention to perfecting the sound and lyrics of their music, but somehow they’re missing the fact that it just plain sucks. | Now, steel cage matches? That’s much more our speed. Somewhere along the way, some genius figured out a way to make what was already the most electrifying sport in the world of entertainment even more exhilarating Yes, this is true entertainment, and it is awesome. | |||
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LESS ANNUALS. MORE PERENNIALS.
Monday, June 28th, 2010by Mrs. Robinson
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| I love gardens, flower and herb gardens in particular. Not just my own, but anybody’s gardens that I can enjoy and appreciate. There’s nothing more uplifting or inspiring than strolling through a multicolored garden or simply gazing upon it from an Adirondack chair, cocktail in hand. But after a recent startling trip to the local Home Depot, I am not purchasing more than a token basket of annuals and am holding fast to perennials in the future. | Perennial gardens are an investment in your garden future. Each time you plant a new perennial, it comes back to please you the next year even larger than the year before. Some perennials even self-propagate, making little babies here and there in your garden. And they are all free once you buy the first plant! Unlike certain STDs that won’t go away, you’ll be thrilled when your perennials come back time and again to surprise you each year. | |||
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LESS FOOTBALL. MORE FUTBOL.
Friday, June 25th, 2010by Sasha Sassalotski
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| I have never been a huge sports fan, but for some reason, American football has always particularly turned me off. Maybe it was the fact that my mom had very little tolerance for sports or that we didn’t have a pro football team in Utah. Maybe it was that I preferred individual sports like gymnastics rather than team sports myself. For whatever reason, I have never been able to be interested in football except for the Super Bowl, which is a party and so merits my attention. Plus there might be pigs in blankets there. | I lived in Europe for six years and never really got the soccer bug, despite living next to Sparta Stadium in Prague and living in Berlin during the 2006 World Cup. But for some reason I have caught the fever this year. Maybe it’s nostalgia for my days in Europe or the sense of camaraderie with my own countrymen, but I have found a new appreciation for the sport that surprises even me. I have even been getting up in time to go to bars to watch matches at the ungodly hour of 7 a.m., which is hours earlier than I have gotten up for anything in years. | |||
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LESS HAVE TO. MORE WANT TO.
Thursday, June 24th, 2010by Chairman of the Bored
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| Growing up, my parents, teachers and friends all pretty much described me in the same way. My attributes and flaws were comprised of the terms perennially listed in my “check this box” report cards. Year after year I was “summarized” by phrases like disruptive in class, highly intelligent, often disrupts lessons, demonstrates advanced analytical thinking, procrastinates, excellent problem solving skills, does not follow directions, eager to learn. Anyone else seeing a pattern here? | For a long time (and every so often even now), I’ve struggled to understand why my instinctual response to life’s responsibilities is one of avoidance, procrastination and occasional disdain. But what if the problem isn’t me? What if the issue is life itself? Why must I (and we) jump through someone else’s hoops, starting at “walk ‘n’ talk” and ending with “diapers ‘n’ dentures?” There comes a time when you have to examine where you are, where you’ve been, and where the f*ck you wanna go. | |||
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LESS LLC. MORE BBQ.
Wednesday, June 23rd, 2010by Dimebag Darrell
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| I was recently hired as a copy editing intern, a position that involves important tasks, and I am pretty enthused about starting. Between that, my uber-sweet spot here at Less This. More That. and an eventual job that will pay me money this summer, I am quite the busy dude this “vacationing” season. Unfortunately, this does not seem to be a unique situation. From soon-to-be graduates to working stiffs, the summer has brought little reprieve from the daily 9-to-5 grind of the rest of the year. | Now that you have shown some admirable brazenness by walking into The Man’s office and demanding some extra time off, what exactly are you to do this summer with your free time between trips to the unemployment office? How about showing your displeasure towards that faulty fax machine that has kept you past the closing bell way too many goddamn times to count (come on, you didn’t think a piece on this topic wouldn’t have a single “Office Space” reference, did you?)? | |||
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LESS MULLET. MORE RATTAIL.
Tuesday, June 22nd, 2010by D. Znutts
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| I know what you’re thinking … “Znutts, WHAT in the world are you talking about?” For those of you uncool enough to not be in the know, they’re both hairdos. REALLY bad hairdos, to be exact. I’m sure now you’re thinking, “OK, Znutts, but how in the world are you going to write an entire article about something so inconsequential and petty?” And to that I say, the mullet and rattail are anything BUT inconsequential. Let me explain why. | The rattail is the mullet of the millennium. Sometimes mistaken for a mullet, it’s not. The rattail is truly its own beast, most notably because some versions you can rock at the office and still be taken quasi-seriously. The mullet does not have that diversity. You walk into a meeting sporting a full-blown mullet, you’re liable to have security called on you. However, sway in with a sweet rattail and you could be considered “hip” and “cool.” | |||
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LESS SHMOOZE. MORE BOOZE.
Monday, June 21st, 2010by Ms. Anne Threaup
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| There’s a reason “shmooze” rhymes with “snooze” and goes well with booze. Small talk is for small minds, verbal fluffernutter that can be easily digested, regurgitated and then forgotten. Besides, who wants to sit around talking about health care or the latest threat to the U.S. when the weather has been so lovely lately? | Let’s face it, there are some situations that call for more booze — happy hours, weddings, birthday parties, reunions, Mardi Gras, concerts, five-course meals, company picnics, long flights, graduations, playing poker, karaoke, brunch, beach vacations, football games, Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Communion, | |||
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LESS DEAL. MORE MEAL.
Friday, June 18th, 2010by Professor Lecherous
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| Yeah, yeah, I got your $5 foot-long right here. Granted, Subway may be the leading chain in the United States, and it is better (read: healthier) than the world’s leader, McDonald’s. But how much is that actually saying? Exactly. Not much. And given the upcoming holiday weekend and the ubiquity of that great American institution, the cheeseburger, I have something important to say. We’ve got deals on meals from every fast-food chain in America. Given the pervasiveness of all these multinational chains, it’s hard to resist. Especially since you can feed a family of five for $20. Not to mention Taco Bell and their $2 dollar meal. I mean, really. But when you count up the costs – obesity, diabetes, heart disease – it’s simply not worth it. Especially since every town, in every nook and cranny of this country, has good food. That’s why the Prof is calling for less deal. MORE MEAL. | There are some semi-respectable chains. Steak ‘n’ Shake ain’t half bad. And Five Guys is a pretty decent burger. In-N-Out may well be the best cheeseburger in America. But I often find that the best fare is local fare. For instance, New York City has the Shake Shack. There’s also the Minetta Tavern in the West Village. I am not inclined to spend $26 for a burger on an everyday basis, but I applaud Pat LaFrieda for his efforts. Atlanta has Flip Burger Boutique for the ghetto gourmet in us all. And there’s also the Vortex Bar and Grill. Their menu is freaking hilarious and includes the Coronary Bypass cheeseburger, topped with a fried egg. Don’t even get me started on the Luther Burger, made famous by Mulligan’s in Decatur, Georgia. A grilled Krispy Kreme doughnut sandwiching double meat, double cheese and bacon. I get the not-so-healthy hypocrisy here, but it is MORE MEAL. | |||
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LESS CANCER. MORE CURE.
Thursday, June 17th, 2010by Betty Cracked
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| I am tired about hearing that people are incurably sick. We are a nation of brilliant scientists who can invent medicine to satisfy men during sex, compress an enormous amount of data onto devices the size of my thumb and land a robot on Mars. What we can’t seem to do is find a cure for cancer. | What we really need to do is rise up and show our frustration to the insurance companies and the miscreants in Congress. We need to funnel some real money into cancer research. We’ve all been doing our part, but it’s time to inject some real money into finding a cure. Enough is enough. | |||
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LESS LOUD. MORE ENDOWED.
Wednesday, June 16th, 2010by Mary Jay Blunt
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| “And the loud shall inherit the earth.” Not quite, but it appears that way. The loudest in religion, politics and entertainment are perceived to be either the most knowledgeable or the most passionate. We, the people, completely buy into the hype, hanging on the words of the attention whores as if we’ve paid them from our own pockets to entice and seduce us. Our attention turns to the shit-talkers on the field or court, and not those who are humbly working for the common good. We are willing to spend money on what has been overprocessed and marketed, but not invest in true creativity or artistic prowess. It’s a Pavlovian response to the blaring and the abrasive. Don’t believe me? Take a look at these extremely obnoxious and loud people: | I’m going to go out on a limb here and make a bold claim: People who are loud are clearly overcompensating for what they are lacking. The small-endowed are trying to distract the people with their gum-bumping drivel. (Insert penis joke here). Clearly there are an abundance of people screaming “Look at me!” When we finally do, we are sadly disappointed to find out that what we are looking at is simply garbage with little thought, little inspiration, little originality and little talent. Instead of trumpeting mediocrity and foolishness, let’s push for a Renaissance. As a society, we should be actively investing time. energy and money into grass-roots movements, good music and interpersonal activities that are about actually doing than talking. | |||
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LESS IMMIGRATION. MORE EMIGRATION.
Tuesday, June 15th, 2010by Uncle Peterstain
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| Hey guys, why don’t we all shut up about immigration, at least for a little while. I know it’s touchy, but there are more important things to worry about these days. So why can’t we leave it alone and let people live their lives? Because, like a stripper with a Ph.D., it’s more complicated than it seems. It’s also boring. Luckily, I have a shockingly simple proposition: Let’s just forget about immigration and move on. That’d show those idiots in Arizona what’s up, and it’s been a long time since anybody told Arizona what’s up. | Since I know we’ll never give up on this crap as I’ve suggested, I also have a backup plan. It’s crazy, it’s drastic, and it’s a last-ditch effort, but here it is: If you don’t like it here, move. Remember how you’re from America so you have the freedom to live anywhere you want? It’s a good idea if you think about it. Just move to another country and let my immigrant friends and me have this one. And maybe once you’ve become the new guy in a foreign country, you’ll realize that it’s not easy, even when you’ve got ID. | |||
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LESS PRODUCT. MORE NATURAL.
Monday, June 14th, 2010by Mrs. Robinson
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| After mentioning The Donald last week, it got me thinkin’ about hair. I mean really, after business mogul, what’s the first thing people mention about Donald Trump? His freakin’ hair! Curiously, the phenomenon of bad hair day is no longer just a woman’s prerogative. Men have become hair-obsessed. Not since the big hair band days of the ’80s, has hair and the quest for mane-managing products taken up such a big part of a man’s day. | Women fair no better here, from frightening hair extensions to bad color to stylists who should be fired. While men can sport the bald thing, there are only two kinds of women who look great with no hair. First, women who have lost their hair due to disease. We might even shave our own heads in solidarity. Some women shave their heads in bizarre moments of insanity, but unless you’re Demi Moore in GI Jane, it’s just not a good idea. | |||
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LESS SMART PHONES. MORE SMART FOLKS.
Friday, June 11th, 2010by Ms. Anne Threaup
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| Remember the good old days when you could go somewhere without seeing idiots attached to their cell phones? These people − phone zombies – are attached to gadgets with names like “Droid” and “Storm“ and can be found everywhere. If they’re not talking on their phones, they’re typing on them − furiously updating their Facebook statuses with the juicy details of their kid’s latest filling. | People, put down the crack pipes and step away from your computers. Do you even remember what you were doing before you landed on this website? Try to think back. It was probably right after you scarfed down that nutritious to-go meal and before you went to check your gmail, but then you got distracted by an @reply on Twitter by a follower who called U out in an adorbz way. Zomg! | |||
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LESS CLASS. MORE ASS.
Thursday, June 10th, 2010by Dimebag Darrell
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| As of Memorial Day, the summer season is unofficially upon us. This seems to come with the mandate to wear as little clothing as possible and push the boundaries of what is known as “decency.” Whether you are strutting down the streets of midtown Manhattan or the grassy roads of Mobile, Alabama, you are likely to spot an attractive young lady (or a hella old one who is way past her prime and should dress accordingly) who is doing her best to accentuate her, uh, “finer parts” by her attire. | “Less Class. More Ass.” is all about awareness and appreciation. Hell, you can even dub it a movement. Whether you are talking about men or women, showing off the qualities of your body in a tasteful manner (Who am I kidding? I enjoy the tasteless just as much.) is about as ‘Merican as you can get. Oh, and seeing as how the summer hosts the most patriotic of all national holidays, deciding not to flaunt “what ya momma gave ya” is the equivalent of being a Commie. | |||
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LESS WORK. MORE VACAY.
Wednesday, June 9th, 2010by Jacki Moonshine
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| Humble apologies, but I’ve been sort of off the grid for the last couple of weeks. No, I wasn’t going all Survivorman on y’all, just a little Caribbean family vacation. Lots of alcohol, golf, and beaches made for a pretty nice little time and some realizations. | You like Europe? South America? Asia? Staycation? Whatever you fancy, just go ahead and do it. Go with your husband or wife or family or friends; just keep in mind that different vacation groups demand different amounts of alcohol, so please be prepared. | |||
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LESS TEXT. MORE TALK.
Tuesday, June 8th, 2010by Mrs. Robinson
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| We’ve become a device-dependent society, with a crackberried adult population setting the prime example for their kids. How have we ever lived without such endless connectivity? More importantly, what will happen to today’s antisocially connected youth when they are faced with having to actually converse with other people without devices in their hands? Why bother to talk when you can text, surf, update your Facebook and Twitter page and keep your peeps updated on every aspect of your life without speaking a single word? | Texting is okay for quick check-in, but not long conversations. In love relationships, part of the attraction can be the sound of the object of your affection’s voice. Can’t get that from a text. Conversation lets you hear the joy in friends’ voices when they know it’s you calling to share news. That human contact enables you to pick up on the distracted tone in a friend’s voice if she is troubled or sad. And you don’t need CAPITAL LETTERS TO TELL YOU SOMEONE IS ANGRY; it will show in the tone of voice, face and body language. | |||
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LESS REMAKE. MORE RALPH MACCHIO.
Monday, June 7th, 2010by Sasha Sassalotski
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| Hollywood, in its infinite wisdom, is coming out with a remake of “The Karate Kid” starring producer Will Smith’s son and Jackie Chan. Can you hear the gasps from us Generation Xers who grew up with the original? By the way, why haven’t we come up with a better generational nickname by now (thanks a lot, Douglas Copeland)? It’s like someone digging up the beloved, dead dog of your childhood and dressing him up in a plaid sweater and a hat. Fido never wore a freakin’ hat, you bastards! | Did I mention that Hollywood is also doing a remake of “Footloose”? Seriously? I mean, it was a pretty terrible movie to begin with, but for kids with even the slightest impulse to rebel, it was ours. The “Footloose“ soundtrack was one of the first albums of my own that I got when I was young, along with Michael Jackson’s “Thriller.” This is sacred ground. Obviously the ol’ movie machine has run out of original ideas, despite its huge population of screenwriters/waiters, so I have some suggestions. | |||
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LESS EMPIRE. MORE PINSTRIPES.
Friday, June 4th, 2010by Chairman of the Bored
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| If you know me, then you know that I’m a huge baseball fan. Specifically, I’m a diehard supporter of the New York Yankees − the most storied franchise in all of sports. It’s not hard to understand my loyalties. I‘m a former season ticket holder who was born and raised in the Bronx, and my Dad owned a sporting goods store in the Boogie-Down for over 25 years. Oh, and there’s the benefit of rooting for a team that’s always good. But maybe all’s not well that ends well. To the victor may go the spoils, but what if the victor is just plain spoiled? A little man once re-dubbed my Bronx Bombers as “The Evil Empire.” What if − gasp − he was right? | In many ways, to know and follow the Yankees is to know and follow America. Each has achieved unparalleled success and recognition, yet both are reviled as much as they are admired. The Yankees and the U.S. each maintain incredible wealth and an ability to play by their own rules, and that is ultimately their blessing and their curse. Somewhere along the way, a baseball team and a nation have lost their way. Both seem to have forgotten what made them great in the first place, and in the process have created in themselves a monster that no amount of championships or perceived global dominance can satisfy. Period. | |||
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LESS DIETING. MORE COOKING.
Thursday, June 3rd, 2010by Betty Cracked
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| You can’t watch five minutes of TV today without being bombarded by ads for miracle fat burners, meal replacement plans or a weight loss segment on “The Dr. Oz Show.” Stories of phenomenal life transformations such as the annoying ads for Nutri-System with Marie Osmond (who dresses her anyway) promising that if you use this product, your whole life will be perfect. Of course, we read the headlines about the growing obesity problem in the United States. According to the Journal of American Medicine, 32.2% of adult men and 35.5% of adult women in the United States are considered overweight – and not the “I just need to lose 10 pounds” variety, either. People who fall into this category are obese. | So what’s a body to do? People, it’s time to get reacquainted with your kitchen. Hearken back to the days of your childhood. You walk into your house to the smells of a home-cooked meal wafting from the kitchen. From down the block, you can just make out the aroma of something delicious being seared to perfection on the grill. Hungry yet? If you head over to the supermarket today, the frozen and dehydrated foods have taken over the aisles and, sadly, some of our kitchens. Ever read the ingredients on some of those boxes? One serving has 30% to 40% of your daily recommended value for sodium with virtually no vitamins or minerals. Frankly, if you need a chemistry degree to read the list, you probably shouldn’t eat it (see Twinkie). | |||
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LESS RAGING. MORE RELAXING.
Wednesday, June 2nd, 2010by D. Znutts
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| I’m just coming off of my first Hamptons vacation and I have to say, I have mixed feelings. Not about The Hamptons, per say, but about the modern vacation in general. When did “vacationing” equate to partying yourself into a drunken stupor, staying up all night and feeling like complete shizah the next day? What happened to the good ol’ days when vacationing meant relaxing, getting away from it all, and unwinding? I was hoping to do a little of that this weekend. | First, let’s start with the definition of vacation: a period of rest and freedom from work, study, etc.; time of recreation, usually a specific interval in a year. Spa massages, beaches, a delicious dinner, biking, hiking, golfing, poolside lounging. Yes. THAT is what a vacation should be. When, exactly, it went from “getting away” to “getting crazy” I have no idea. Things have gone terribly wrong. People now feel the more obliterated, wasted and crazy they get, the more “fun” they’re having. | |||
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LESS LOST. MORE GAINED.
Tuesday, June 1st, 2010by The Angry Young Man
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| Well, it was a long, thought-provoking, and often frustrating journey, but “Lost,” like all good things, has come to an end. All questions answered! All fates determined! Eh, not so much. But at least the writers gave these characters some fitting closure that likely satisfied most fans, if not all. | The end of “Lost” is the end of an era, but by the same token, there is some seriously ripe spin-off potential here. It appears there are some open time slots in ABC’s 2010-11 schedule and some newly unemployed and incredibly talented actors. Future adventures of Sawyer? Richard? Kate? We’re game. | |||
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LESS MAY. MORE JUNE.
Tuesday, June 1st, 2010by Chairman of the Bored
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| Wondering where all the content went? Click here to see all the good stuff you missed in May! | ||
