Instead I was awoken at 5am each morning by savage party-folk coming in after their all night drunk-fest. Clunking high heels, yelling, breaking glasses, thumping techno music, amongst other things. I woke up to the grim reality: this was not vacation, this was a a close as it could get to “hell” in the Hamptons. Imagine,  at the ripe age of 27 I was saying to myself, “I am getting too old for this.” The worst part was that the people doing it were all about the same age as me, some even older! Call me old, boring, stick-in-the-mud, but I always envisioned a Hamptons vacation to be this peaceful, serene, relaxing paradise. Instead I returned to NYC even more cranky and battling a cold from the exhaustion of not getting proper sleep.

Upon visiting the Sunset Beach bar on Shelter Island, I realized this behavior was not limited to our house either. People of all ages and types were packed into this tiny little beach-side bar, drunk and shuffling around. One tall, red-haired guy was so out of it, he thought he knew every person that walked by. He mumbled with glazed-over eyes and stumbled towards me. I found myself backing up, like a scared child, terrified that this ginger Yeti was going do an involuntary trust-fall on me. This was not relaxing. This was madness. I left with the “I need a vacation from my vacation” feeling and serious motivation to write this piece.

Don’t get me wrong – I love to dance, enjoy a drink and have a good time. But there’s this little thing called MODERATION that folks seem to throw to the wind for the sake of “vacation.” What they’re really doing is just assuring that they’ll be more exhausted, feel more terrible and be more tired when they get back from their alleged “vacation.” I’m having trouble wrapping my cranky little head around why people do this. It seems completely counterproductive. So now I’ve returned to work, more drained and worn out than I was before I left. This completely blows. The worst part is that I didn’t even get crazy. I was in by 2am the first night and didn’t go out the last night, hoping I could get a good night’s rest and be ready for a fresh work week. Instead the savage “vacationers” of the house came in like Tasmanian devils and pillaged until 6:30 am. Who knew I’d look forward to leaving a secluded Hamptons mansion to return to my NYC apartment for peace and quiet? Oh the irony!

There are lessons to be learned in all of this. Number 1: Be sure when you go on vacation that most of the people you are staying with are on the same page as you with respect to your definition of fun and vacationing (or at least find friends with folks of the same maturity level as you). Number 2: Bring earplugs, sleeping pills, and patience. Number 3: If at all  possible, get your own room, chalet etc. And finally, Number 4: Avoid drunken Yetis. Happy Summer Vacays y’all!