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| “And the loud shall inherit the earth.” Not quite, but it appears that way. The loudest in religion, politics and entertainment are perceived to be either the most knowledgeable or the most passionate. We, the people, completely buy into the hype, hanging on the words of the attention whores as if we’ve paid them from our own pockets to entice and seduce us. Our attention turns to the shit-talkers on the field or court, and not those who are humbly working for the common good. We are willing to spend money on what has been overprocessed and marketed, but not invest in true creativity or artistic prowess. It’s a Pavlovian response to the blaring and the abrasive. Don’t believe me? Take a look at these extremely obnoxious and loud people: | I’m going to go out on a limb here and make a bold claim: People who are loud are clearly overcompensating for what they are lacking. The small-endowed are trying to distract the people with their gum-bumping drivel. (Insert penis joke here). Clearly there are an abundance of people screaming “Look at me!” When we finally do, we are sadly disappointed to find out that what we are looking at is simply garbage with little thought, little inspiration, little originality and little talent. Instead of trumpeting mediocrity and foolishness, let’s push for a Renaissance. As a society, we should be actively investing time. energy and money into grass-roots movements, good music and interpersonal activities that are about actually doing than talking. | |||
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Author Archive
LESS LOUD. MORE ENDOWED.
Wednesday, June 16th, 2010by Mary Jay Blunt
LESS DRUNK. MORE SOBER.
Wednesday, May 26th, 2010by Mary Jay Blunt
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| Tis the season for trips to wineries and ballpark brews. There is something spectacular about enjoying a cold glass of depressant to ease the awkwardness of summer socials, but have you seen how dangerously unwound people become with a few sips of sangria? Business associates turn into buffoons; classmates turn into circus casualties; housewives turn whorish. No matter the company, libations tend to free the inner schmuck. Don’t get us wrong, dear readers. No need to stop drinking. We advocate safe consumption and frivolity and enjoy watching you make an arse of yourself. | It is difficult to even type this, but honestly, sobriety is a good thing. Sure, Sober Sally may be missing out on a good walk of shame, but all that glitters isn’t gold. Sometimes what glitters is chunky puke in the glow of the streetlight. While friends are waking up wishing for death to come swiftly, Sober Sally awakens with a refreshed outlook on life. Mornings are hard enough without adding the insult of a hangover; why put yourself through unnecessary agony? Though it may appear that refraining from drinking means missing out on good times, many of us could benefit from cutting back on the bubbly. | |||
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LESS WAKE. MORE BAKE.
Monday, April 26th, 2010by Mary Jay Blunt
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| Alarm clocks are the tools of the devil. Chances are you’re among the many unfortunate souls that start their day with these infuriating devices, and if you’re anything like me, you’ve set six different versions on two different devices. To me, a repeated snooze means “just in case.”
Quite simply, waking up just plain sucks. Foggy brains, blurry eyes, glasses, dentures, and slippers in hand, we stumble toward a light source. We curse our mothers for birthing us, we lament our career choices, and we contemplate the consequences of just not showing up to whatever obligation has startled us out of bed. In essence, our life schedule is dictated by someone else’s demands on our time. How is this okay? How is this fair? |
Cookies are great. Brownies are delicious. Cupcakes are better. There is something delightfully wonderful about fresh baked goods, especially ones warm from the oven. Baking conjures up clichéd reminiscences of holidays, times in grandma’s kitchen, and summer picnics. Notwithstanding baking at 4:20pm, making a cake won’t generally get you arrested unless you thought bundt cake meant blunt cake and that Mary Jane infused creation got sold at little Janie’s 5th-grade bake sale.
Seriously, have you ever met someone who doesn’t like a little sweet, a little gooey, and a little carby? Me neither. Baked goods are a universal connector, one that transcends religion, language, culture, politics, and gender. |
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LESS JUDAS. MORE JESUS.
Monday, April 5th, 2010by Mary Jay Blunt
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| In the spirit of Easter, imagine Judas as a house guest on the next season of Big Brother. If the show’s premier debuted on a Good Friday, then by Easter, Judas would have been voted off. Depicted in the the New Testament as a thief and lover of money, Judas is more infamously remembered for the “kiss of betrayal” which led Jewish authorities to identify and arrest Jesus. Sure, Judas wasn’t the only one of the the original D12 (not to be confused with Eminem’s D12) to turn on JC, but Judas remains the one everyone loves to hate.
The Bible claims that Judas’s transgressions were revisited upon him via a dramatic hanging, a headfirst fling into a field, or a disembowelment. Though we’re not in the business of heresy or blasphemy (See Less God, More Zod), we’d kinda think the Bible got it wrong on this one. Judas still lives, folks. Don’t believe us? There’s no doubt about it, “Team Judas” is among us. How else can you explain the following? |
Aside from being God and “dying” for the sins of man (in such dramatic fashion), the Messiah is a pretty all right dude. How can you not get down with a guy who lets everyone have a little nosh of his body and a sip of his blood, completely free of charge?! Yeah, that virgin birth story seems a little far fetched. God (the Father) must have dropped down from the heavens for some ass every now and again. It’s also hard to believe that someone can die, come back to life, and not be a brain-eating zombie. But let’s push that aside for just a moment.
The true coolness of Haysoos Christos is that he is the guy we all wish we could be. If everyone acted a little more Jesus-like, the world would be a better place. No more Tea Parties or Coffee Parties, everything would be one big party! With wine! And all-you-can-eat fish and bread! And loved ones brought back from the dead! See? Team Jesus for sure. Still not sold on the Son of God? Think about it, people. What would Jesus really do? |
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LESS SPIT. MORE SWALLOW.
Tuesday, March 23rd, 2010by Mary Jay Blunt
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| In case you hadn’t noticed, people everywhere are extremely pissed off. Flipping through cable television, it’s clear across the guide, from MTV to C-Span, that people are hot under the collar about pretty much everything. The Jersey Shore cast is mad that tanning booths don’t work fast enough. Brides are yelling about taffeta and wine coolers. Rush Limbaugh is mad that Costa Rica won’t let him immigrate. The American public is getting tea-bagged, and in some municipalities, we aren’t even allowed to have a cigarette afterward.
It seems that no one is exempt from feeling angry either. Heck, it’s natural, right? Even the most docile of creatures have an instinct to attack if threatened. And everywhere you look, there are more reasons to feel threatened. Couple that with 24-hour news cycle coverage of the financial, political, and social climate of the country, and it isn’t so hard to see why people are spitting venom. |
Okay, dirty birds. We know you were hoping for some helpful techniques on the art of fellatio, but we’ve got something better for you. Maybe. Truth is, the kind of swallowing we’re talking about has to do with PRIDE! Much like mullets and Air-Jordans, inflatable egos are one trend that just won’t go away. Pride, one of the seven deadly sins, can cause a lifetime of resentment, and not just for the person choking on the lump of superiority caught in their throat. Pride creates a ripple effect. Need we remind you of Attila the Hun? Pol Pot? Kanye West?
None of us are perfect, but we pretend like we are. People like Kanye shield themselves with pride to protect themselves, but their behavior serves only to fuel their ass-clown persona and distorted sense of self. Kanye and others need to practice humility over egotism. Kinda like swallowing a really big pill, it takes some practice, but eventually such medicine will cure what ails you. |
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LESS BABY. MORE SEXY-TIME.
Friday, March 12th, 2010by Mary Jay Blunt
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| Listen up, folks. The vagina is not a clown car. In spite of freaks like that Duggar chick, or Octomom, there’s this rampant expectation that any woman breathing should be popping babies rapidly from the loins. Sure, baby-making’s natural and instinctual, but maybe the real motivation is people’s inherent need to see more of themselves! More me! More me! Nothing screams narcissistic like a bun in the oven (or even afterward).
If you’re still a reasonably single adult, it’s likely that you’ve heard the following from Nana or Bubbi: “So, when are you going to start having a family of your own?” The proper response, “Is there an app for that?”, probably won’t fly. See, it’s not that kids are disruptive, dirty, loud, or annoying (they are). Instead, the point that we’re making is that others should mind their own business when it comes to the birds, the bees, and what drops between the knees. Really, what concern is it of Aunt Betty’s whether or not we’re getting enough wiggle in our squiggle? Why the hell is Aunt Betty even thinking about sexytime at all, anyway. Dirty Aunt Betty. So why less babies? This is why… |
Maybe we rushed to judgment here. The vagina can be a clown car! That’s right, an almost unlimited number of wacky looking freaks with questionable fashion sense can hop on in, and enjoy the ride!
See, sex is good. It’s good for lots of reasons, some of which we don’t need to tell you about. Heck, in this day and age most people have Skinemax on-demand (strictly for educational purposes). In America, some of us like to pretend that sex isn’t good. The conservatives, the religious fanatics, and the politically correct, they all preach their views about what’s acceptable, even though many of them are engaging in deviant behavior themselves. Wasn’t it the ole’ Puritans who originally gave us that woeful concept of chastity? Did they really think that the land of the “Happy Ending” and the home of “Client No. 9” would be a sex free “Utopia?” Not so much. Everyone’s having sex and pretending not to be. It’s time we face the truth, people. We’re bumping uglies. We’re hiding the salami. We’re playing “just the tip.” We’re playing naked Twister. We are, in a word, boning. And really, why shouldn’t we?! We make the case that doesn’t even need to be made. |
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