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| To a lifelong Yankee fan like me, yesterday brought with it a significant measure of sadness and reflection. The passing of George M. Steinbrenner (and Bob Sheppard two days prior) closes a chapter not only in my life, but also in the lives of countless other members of the Yankees Universe. | Rare is the man who can incite such completely disparate reactions from friends and foes alike. Steinbrenner managed to occupy dual roles as hero and villain, both famously and infamously, all while paradoxically defying convention, predictability and mediocrity. Quite simply, he was The Boss. | |||
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Author Archive
LESS LOSS. MORE BOSS.
Wednesday, July 14th, 2010by Chairman of the Bored
LESS WRITING. MORE RELAXATION.
Saturday, July 3rd, 2010by Chairman of the Bored
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| It’s July 4th weekend, and that means it’s time to quietly reflect on the sacrifices that our Revolutionary forefathers made in defiance of that Old King Dude from England back in 1776. Actually it’s time to drink Coronas at the beach (unless you’re living on the Gulf), and eat enough BBQ to rupture an intestine (small or large). However you choose to spend the holiday, we’re taking a week to clear our minds and dream up a ridiculous amount of laugh-inducing, awe-inspiring, and thought-provoking content. We’ll be back on Monday, July 12th. Until then, stay gold, Ponyboy. | ||
LESS JUNE. MORE JULY.
Thursday, July 1st, 2010by Chairman of the Bored
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| Wondering where all the content went? Click here to see all the good stuff you missed in June! | ||
LESS HAVE TO. MORE WANT TO.
Thursday, June 24th, 2010by Chairman of the Bored
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| Growing up, my parents, teachers and friends all pretty much described me in the same way. My attributes and flaws were comprised of the terms perennially listed in my “check this box” report cards. Year after year I was “summarized” by phrases like disruptive in class, highly intelligent, often disrupts lessons, demonstrates advanced analytical thinking, procrastinates, excellent problem solving skills, does not follow directions, eager to learn. Anyone else seeing a pattern here? | For a long time (and every so often even now), I’ve struggled to understand why my instinctual response to life’s responsibilities is one of avoidance, procrastination and occasional disdain. But what if the problem isn’t me? What if the issue is life itself? Why must I (and we) jump through someone else’s hoops, starting at “walk ‘n’ talk” and ending with “diapers ‘n’ dentures?” There comes a time when you have to examine where you are, where you’ve been, and where the f*ck you wanna go. | |||
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LESS EMPIRE. MORE PINSTRIPES.
Friday, June 4th, 2010by Chairman of the Bored
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| If you know me, then you know that I’m a huge baseball fan. Specifically, I’m a diehard supporter of the New York Yankees − the most storied franchise in all of sports. It’s not hard to understand my loyalties. I‘m a former season ticket holder who was born and raised in the Bronx, and my Dad owned a sporting goods store in the Boogie-Down for over 25 years. Oh, and there’s the benefit of rooting for a team that’s always good. But maybe all’s not well that ends well. To the victor may go the spoils, but what if the victor is just plain spoiled? A little man once re-dubbed my Bronx Bombers as “The Evil Empire.” What if − gasp − he was right? | In many ways, to know and follow the Yankees is to know and follow America. Each has achieved unparalleled success and recognition, yet both are reviled as much as they are admired. The Yankees and the U.S. each maintain incredible wealth and an ability to play by their own rules, and that is ultimately their blessing and their curse. Somewhere along the way, a baseball team and a nation have lost their way. Both seem to have forgotten what made them great in the first place, and in the process have created in themselves a monster that no amount of championships or perceived global dominance can satisfy. Period. | |||
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LESS MAY. MORE JUNE.
Tuesday, June 1st, 2010by Chairman of the Bored
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| Wondering where all the content went? Click here to see all the good stuff you missed in May! | ||
LESS APRIL. MORE MAY.
Monday, May 3rd, 2010by Chairman of the Bored
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| Wondering where all the content went? Click here to see all the good stuff you missed in April! | ||
LESS FELINE. MORE CANINE.
Wednesday, April 21st, 2010by Chairman of the Bored
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| The problem with cats is that they suck. Actually, “scratch” that, they really suck. Taking care of a pet is a pretty major responsibility. There’s the initial cost of the animal itself, the expensive toys, beds, accessories, etc., and the never ending stream of vet bills for the decade-plus of care taking (some cats live to age 20!). Don’t forget the inevitable damage to your home and clothing, the boarding fees/hassle, and the very real notion that owning a pet means being responsible for a life. Quite simply, the kitty comes up short when you run a calculation of the ROI. We astute dog owners know that to be our return on investment. | Man’s Best Friend, how can you possibly achieve a better moniker than that?! Dogs are one the few examples left in the world of pure joy, personified. Ummm, make that caninified. Seriously, unless they’ve trained at Bad Newz Kennels or by The Clever Jew, dogs are all about love, enthusiasm and naps. A dog cannot help but greet you at the door upon your return home, it’s in his DNA. Its almost like dogs are suffer the same short-term memory loss as that dude from Memento. If you leave for 5 minutes, your dog will act like you were gone for 5 days. It’s f*cking awesome. And it’s the payoff for a lifetime of pooper scoopers and bad breath. | |||
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LESS POKING. MORE PHONING.
Thursday, April 8th, 2010by Chairman of the Bored
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| At first glance it may seem innocuous enough, but the ubiquitous Facebook “poke” feature is starting to reach cataclysmic proportions. Communication has degraded into some kind of cyber ping-pong: You like-me? I-like-you You-like-me? I-like-you ad infinitum. As a staff, we didn’t grow up in the most chivalrous of ages, so that’s probably why haven’t really noticed or been bothered by the migration of human interaction to online platforms. Surely, chatting, IM’ing, and texting is how we roll too, but from a romantic perspective, it’s rather disconcerting. | With all the mobiles floating around nowadays, you’d think there would be more phone calls. And yet, all we see are people tapping away on their iPhones for hours on end. They also take a lot of pictures (of food, dogs, houseplants, gardens, and genitals). Sometimes they even blast the latest Timberlake single. But talking? Seems like only banker dudes engage in that tomfoolery. “Buy! Sell! Call me in Hong Kong!” Even Tiger Woods preferred texting to talking. Technically, that was sexting, but that point gets lost in translation, because no one talks to one another anymore anyway! | |||
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LESS RED TAPE. MORE RED CARPET.
Tuesday, April 6th, 2010by Chairman of the Bored
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| Have you noticed lately that even the most basic of tasks take a ridiculous amount of time and cause an infinite amount of frustration? It’s getting to the point where it’s easier to just put up with faulty products, lost baggage, and a proverbial fly in your soup than to actually seek a measure of effective customer service. | What if companies (and their well trained employees) started putting you first, and their bottom line (and complacency) second? What if everyone realized that by wisely exercising their own personal purchasing power, they can send a powerful message to companies that don’t believe that “the customer is always right?” | |||
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LESS MARCH. MORE APRIL.
Thursday, April 1st, 2010by Chairman of the Bored
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| Wondering where all the content went? Click here to see all the good stuff you missed in March! | ||
LESS REGRET. MORE HOT TUB.
Friday, March 26th, 2010by Chairman of the Bored
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| Today marks a major milestone in cinematic history, folks. We know, it’s been awhile since the last “Funny John Cusack” sighting, but Hot Tub Time Machine debuts today, and we’re believers.
As such, and to mark the special occasion, we’ve assembled the entire staff to share our own regretful (and painful) LessThis’isms. Time travel-style, of course. |
Haven’t you ever wondered what you would do with a time machine? From Marty McFly to The Terminator, we’ve all imagined ourselves heading back in time to make things right. Really, need we say more? Our advice is as straightforward as it is well reasoned. Less time spent watching 80’s movies on TBS this weekend. More heading to the local multiplex to see Hot Tub Time Machine! | |||
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LESS GOD. MORE ZOD.
Wednesday, March 24th, 2010by Chairman of the Bored
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| Enough is enough. We’ve had it! There is WAY too much religion in this country (and this world) for our liking. Whatever happened to secularism, or for anyone living in a conservative locale, seh-pah-ray-shun of church and state. There’s a reason why wars have been fought over people’s obsession with the righteousness of their god. It’s called stupidity. What, exactly, has the man upstairs done lately, anyway? Between non-stop natural disasters, genocides, and the Jersey Shore pandemic, the existence of god seems less likely than that Corey Haim/Brittany Murphy “Where Are They Now?” special airing on VH1 anytime soon. | Maybe the true theological leader sought by the world’s religious fanatics has been hiding in plain site all along. Perhaps a character born of a 1980 Hollywood movie script was representative of much more than a memorable villain, but of a new world order, dominated by British accents and jet-black jump suits. We speak, of course, of a worthy ruler of all Earthlings, none other than Zod. A General by any other name really isn’t a General at all, is he? If you don’t know who Zod is, we pity you. Rest assured though, after watching this clip, we’ll be preaching to the converted. Look at the balance sheet, Zod’s assets far outweigh God’s liabilities. | |||
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LESS DICTIONARY. MORE SLANG.
Tuesday, March 2nd, 2010by Chairman of the Bored
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| Today we’re bypassing the pleasantries and getting right to it. Recently The Washington Post’s Mensa International invited its readers to alter any word in the dictionary by adding, subtracting or changing one letter, and providing a new meaning. We decided to up the stakes with a new meaning for the original word. | It takes a lot to crank out the hard-hitting and illuminating content we’re slinging daily (M-F), so for once, we’re delighted to let someone else do the heavy lifting. Since we absolutely despise plagiarism, be advised that the following material isn’t entirely ours. That doesn’t make it any less brilliant though. | |||
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LESS FEBRUARY. MORE MARCH.
Monday, March 1st, 2010by Chairman of the Bored
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| Wondering where all the content went? Click here to see all the good stuff you missed in February! | ||
LESS BLACK HISTORY. MORE BLACK FUTURE.
Tuesday, February 23rd, 2010by Chairman of the Bored
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| What, you thought you were going to get through the entire month of February without us talking some Black History Month? Heck no, we just figured that if we waited until the end of the month, no one would notice. Yup, race is still a sensitive issue in this country, there’s no doubt about it. Even now, with our nation’s first African-American President, it seems like we’re back in the 1950’s, what with all the insensitive and politically incorrect commentary on cable news, and the widespread shock that no one was shot and killed during the NBA All-Star Weekend festivities. | Delving into the race issue isn’t an easy thing to do. One thing we’re committed to around here is trying to take sensitive topics and lighten the mood whenever possible. Our point of view is 94% sarcasm, 5% legitimacy, and at least 8% perspiration, so if you have a problem with what we’re saying, kindly talk to the Management.
In fact, we’ve got a pretty bright vision for Black America’s future. Heck, we can even envision a time in the not-so-distant future when an African American wins gold at the Winter Olympics. Oh wait, that has already happened. |
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LESS TOP MODEL. MORE TOP GUN.
Thursday, February 18th, 2010by Chairman of the Bored
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| Recently a few of us were arguing about what we hate most about ourselves. Surprisingly, it wasn’t the Clever Jew’s eyebrows, Dr. Selection’s drooling, or the Chairman’s receding hairline. Nope, it was universally agreed upon that what we hate most is our idiosyncratic appetites for entertainment, more specifically, bad entertainment.
As you well know, there is no singular experience worse than suffering through an hour of Tyra Banks’ epic search for America’s Next Top Model. Seriously, we’re not even trying to be funny here. The funny part is that we ashamedly get sucked in whenever it’s on. It gets worse, we don’t just get sucked in, we actually (cringe) care who wins. We care what happens to these vapid, unholy waifs. Please don’t hate us, we already admitted that we hate ourselves. |
One pastime we’ll never have to apologize for is our deep love for watching, memorizing, and quoting from the most beloved American movie-film (and cinematic masterpiece) ever made, Top Gun. Really, why waste your free time with reality competition reality shows when you can immerse yourself in the competitive world of a Navy fighter pilot? Heck, it’s practically reality anyway. In fact, the final version of the movie, originally planned as an action film, ended up so realistic that it was mistakenly labeled as a documentary prior to its 1986 release. Box-office draw considerations led the studios to nix the MPAA label.
Honestly, we feel somewhat ridiculous for even having to sell you on this one. Highway to the Danger Zone, beach volleyball in jeans, the black guy from Walker, Texas Ranger. We’re tellin’ you, this one’s got it all! |
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LESS TOUPEE. MORE BALD.
Tuesday, February 16th, 2010by Chairman of the Bored
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| It’s Pictorial Tuesdays here at Less This. More That. so we’re trimming a topic that’s sure to have crossed (or combed-over) your minds from time to time. Why should people with thick, lustrous hair have all the fun? Bruce Willis left Demi Moore, not the other way around. | Okay, okay… we were going for pure shock value here! Matt Damon isn’t really balding (we think), but that doesn’t mean that his good buddy Ben Affleck still rocks god-given locks. In fact, there are quite a few folks that are better off with their hair off. | |||
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LESS WORDS. MORE IMAGERY.
Tuesday, February 9th, 2010by Chairman of the Bored
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| We’re starting a new tradition around here, Pictorial Tuesdays. LESS WORDS. MORE IMAGERY. | It’s everything we don’t like, and everything we do. And we want to hear from you! Send us your ideas! | |||
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LESS ‘C’ROLE MODELS. MORE MODEL BEHAVIOR.
Monday, February 8th, 2010by Chairman of the Bored
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| Eeny, Meeny, Miny, Moe. Catch a Tiger by his mistress tic-tac-toe. If he “hollas,” let him go.
Nursery Rhyme advice well received, it seems. We wouldn’t describe ourselves as being particularly close, per se, with Tiger’s estranged wife, Elin Nordegren (we’d really like to get closer), but we’re taking a proactive stance with respect to Tiger and every other Celebrity Role Model (“CROLES“). We’re kicking them all to the curb. Permanently. |
Forget fame, fortune, good looks or talent. G-Clue Money (above) has oodles of all four, but what really sets him apart from his Crole counterparts is his ability to set a worthy example and inspire his fellow man. Clooney’s worked tirelessly to bring publicity to horrible atrocities committed in third-world nations, and more recently, he organized the “Hope for Haiti” telethon that has raised some $60m to date. There’s more news. George isn’t alone as an example of someone to “model” ourselves after. | |||
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LESS NETWORK TV. MORE HBO.
Wednesday, February 3rd, 2010by Chairman of the Bored
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| Between the dearth of original and/or imaginative programming, the excessive commercials with increased volume levels, and the borderline censorship of ideas and images deemed unsuitable for mass consumption, it’s no wonder that we’re turning our attention to the “Notworks.” In fact, we’ve compiled a fairly lengthy list of complaints beyond the aforementioned offenses, and it’s just not in our nature to hold anything back. Plus, American Idol auditions are over, and we hate Hasselhoff. | Not that it would take take much to dethrone the once reigning behemoth that WAS network television, but the fine folks at HBO have gone above and beyond the call of duty. Aside from a dreadful attempt to revive the now extinguished career of Phoebe from Friends and a few too many repeat screenings of Revenge of the Sith, HBO can do no wrong. This didn’t just start recently either, take a peak at this video from 1983. Lasers inside the O? Sheer genius. | |||
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LESS FIVE-DAY. MORE FOUR-DAY.
Tuesday, February 2nd, 2010by Chairman of the Bored
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| No need for lengthy commentary on this topic, folks. A brief visual presentation is all it takes to make the case that our current 5-day workweek structure crushes the soul and no longer “works” for us. Let’s follow Europe’s lead. | Besides, most of us are rather unproductive performing our traditional jobs anyway. Why sugar coat it? We’re lazy, so play to our strengths. A 4-day workweek just might actually make us work harder when we’re working. | |||
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LESS PUBLIC. MORE PRIVATE.
Monday, February 1st, 2010by Chairman of the Bored
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| We’re not really in the business of telling you how to live your life (usually), but clearly some of us were absent the day they taught public etiquette at life school. We’re all on this crazy ride together, but that doesn’t mean any of us wants or needs to see you clipping your fingernails or toenails on the morning train or afternoon bus. Nor are we the least bit interested in experiencing with our eyes or nose just how much you’re lovin’ it as you scarf down your Big Mac while waiting in line at the bank. As surprising as you may find it, there are these unique and special things all around you, and they’re called OTHER PEOPLE. And to your complete astonishment and utter amazement, some of your private idiosyncrasies can be pretty obnoxious when on public display. | There are just some things that are meant to be done in the privacy of one’s own home. You know, like making a poop. Partially because it feels safer, more familiar, and more comfortable, but also because you don’t have to worry about the lingering aromatic after-effects. It is YOUR domain, and the feelings of others matter not. But that’s the point the aforementioned clueless among us fail to realize as they walk through life as inconsiderate as they are inappropriate. On some level, we all probably bear some responsibility for the increasingly boorish behavior of others. By looking the other way, and failing to address these faux pas, we’re silently condoning their actions and saying everything is ok. Well, fear not public-at-large, that’s what we’re here for. | |||
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LESS JANUARY. MORE FEBRUARY.
Monday, February 1st, 2010by Chairman of the Bored
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| Wondering where all the content went? Click here to see all the good stuff you missed in January! | ||
LESS THEM. MORE US.
Tuesday, January 26th, 2010by Chairman of the Bored
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| We’ve had it. We’re fed up. We’re sick & tired of this never ending blame game between our political parties. Not only is their eternal “dance” beyond unproductive, but the media’s ridiculous coverage is designed only to fuel the fire of our polarization, which in turn drives up their ratings. Enough is enough. There are some serious as sh*t issues facing humanity. If we don’t hold these elected clowns accountable, and soon, we’re all going to have a lot more major problems on our hands than Obama’s birth certificate or a few Republicans’ propensity for public restroom shenanigans. | The central problem in our country is that these joker politicians have forgotten the most basic reason for their existence. THEY WORK FOR US. Their sole function is to protect and promote the interests of their constituents. And by constituents, we mean YOU AND ME. No one else. That is why it so mind boggling that any Senator with half a conscience can possibly vote with his or her own party as often as they do. Are we really to believe that a Republican from Georgia and his local electorate are on the same page as his fellow GOP’er from Maine? We think not! | |||
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LESS SALESPEOPLE. MORE PURCHASING-ROBOTS.
Monday, January 25th, 2010by Chairman of the Bored
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| We’ve all been there. It’s a moment each and every one of us dreads, and we try like the devil to avoid. You know the situation. You head over to your local JC Penney to find that sweet pair of heather-gray wrinkle-free Dockers, and BAM!… you’re caught by the heat-seeking, laser-guided targeting system of one or more salespersons from hell. The only thing worse than shopping itself is your average salesperson’s demeanor, ineptitude, lack of product knowledge, and overall stupidity. | What if you never had to take a trip to the mall, supermarket, pharmacy or Home Depot ever again? What if, in your stead, you sent a cyborg with uncanny deal-sniffing skills and an incredibly low threshold for stupidity and inefficiency. What if you controlled a robot, who’s sole purpose was to seek and acquire the goods and services you need, sans the stress you don’t deserve? Now does that sound like something you’d be interested in? Yeah, we thought so. | |||
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LESS ANALOG. MORE JETSONS.
Thursday, January 21st, 2010by Chairman of the Bored
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| Have you ever been completely grossed out by the prospect of touching any surface in a bathroom that isn’t yours? Have you ever been forced to use the public loo in an establishment better known for it’s Dollar Menu than it’s progressive facilities management. Have you ever tested the absolute limits of your digestive system in a desperate attempt to avoid relieving yourself before reaching the safety of your own home? If you’ve answered yes to any of the aforementioned questions, congratulations! You’re not alone. | With all due respect to American patriots everywhere, we could certainly learn a thing or two from our colleagues across the Pacific in Japan. The Land of the Rising Sun might as well be known as the Land of the Warm Water Bidet, and the next public restroom you find that isn’t fully automated might be the first. Is it really that shocking that our long time rival has bested us once again? It’s certainly no coincidence that the nation that brought us the Walkman has also cornered the market for the “Sitting-Man” (on the throne, that is). | |||
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LESS OPINION POLLS. MORE TERM LIMITS.
Wednesday, January 20th, 2010by Chairman of the Bored
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| Yesterday’s State of Mass. Hysteria disaster has only served to reinforce our fervent disdain for opinion polls. Not only do less than half of eligible voters cast their ballot in this country, but many of those who do participate in the election process possess a lower IQ than their household pet does. Combine that sad reality with the fact that the vast majority of our electorate are mere sheep following the herd, and the dangerous effects of public opinion polls become more clear (and frightening). | Ultimately, there is but one way to ensure that our politicians actually vote their conscience and look out for their constituents. TERM LIMITS. In no other profession on Earth (other than coaching football) is it acceptable to be lobbying for your next job while still employed in your current one. How can we expect anything to get done when those put in place to enact change and further our interests are wholly consumed with ensuring the success of their NEXT campaign?! | |||
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LESS PALIN ON FOX. MORE STERN TO HBO.
Friday, January 15th, 2010by Chairman of the Bored
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| The world was shocked earlier this week when Fox News announced that long-time Professor of Talking Points and former Mayor of Wasilla, Alaska, Sarah Palin, was joining the network as a roving (no, not that Rove) Contributor and Analyst. Palin was summarily “interviewed” by network stalwart and ratings hound Bill O’Reilly, where she was forced to answer hard hitting questions like “Where do you stand on butter substitutes?” and “Isn’t it true that you wear more expensive shoes than the First Lady?” | Which got us to thinking. Who could come to TV in a way that we’d all have to stop and take notice? Conclusion? The time has come for Howard Stern to sign with HBO and host his very own daily late-night talk show. With all apologies to Jon Stewart (who we LOVE), If anyone can dominate the ratings, it is the King of All Media. Not only would Howard operate without fear of censorship, but neither Letterman, nor Leno would be allowed to go anywhere near material suitable only for HBO. | |||
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LESS POLICE ACTIVITY. MORE MARIJUANA.
Thursday, January 14th, 2010by Chairman of the Bored
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| With sincere apologies to the dedicated professionals who put their lives on the line everyday in order to ‘protect and defend,’ we thank you. As in thanks, but no thanks. You see, we don’t need your help on this one. We promise to call you if and when our Town-Stoner goes on a killing spree in retaliation for the local 7/11 running out of Cheetos. Shy of that happening, KEEP OFF THE GRASS! | In this country we love taking things to extremes. There are no gray areas in the good ole’ US and A. Only right and wrong, black and white, and sometimes Cheech & Chong. Ok, maybe not that last one, but maybe our ultra polarized culture could use a toke or two in the interest of mutual understanding. American Indians didn’t call it a peace pipe for nothing, folks. If Nancy Botwin’s a fan, it can’t possibly be bad, right? | |||
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LESS INFIDEL. MORE ZINFANDEL.
Wednesday, January 13th, 2010by Chairman of the Bored
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| Far be it for us to pretend to know religion half as well as we know random movie quotes from the mid-Eighties, but we’re pretty sure we just stumbled upon the solution to world peace. | Wine is good, wine is great! Wine has it’s own God (his name is/was Dionysus and his reputation beyond stellar). Wine brings people together and gets them laid. | |||
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