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| Well, folks, summer is winding down and we’re quickly approaching “seasonal relationship” time. Yes, it’s the time of year where we start coupling up to ensure we have “someone to take home for the holidays.” Zod forbid Auntie Beatrice has a reason to question our sexuality or why we’re still single. Does “so when are you going to settle down” sound familiar? Or how about “Why haven’t you found someone nice to marry?” or “What happened to so-and-so?” | I’m having the time of my life being single. For a girl who came out of serial monogamy, being single in NYC is absolutely fantastic. The crazy part is that it’s not even about the men. It’s about freedom and adventure. It’s about not being woken up by your boyfriend’s snoring. It’s about being able to do whatever the f you want, when you want. No one to answer to. No one to give their opinion. No one to get their feelings hurt because you didn’t call or text them back quickly enough. | |||
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Author Archive
LESS COUPLING. MORE LIFE.
Monday, August 30th, 2010by D. Znutts
LESS TOLERANCE. MORE ANNOYANCE.
Monday, August 16th, 2010by D. Znutts
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| I’m an optimistic person. Probably the most optimistic person I know. But sometimes it’s ok to scream to the heavens with all your might, “F********CK!” Sometimes things get so annoying it’s okay to flip a biscuit… or two. Suppression is no better for you than being a raging psycho all the time. Both are unhealthy. So this week I’m airing my grievances. | Here’s 20 things that annoy me. Enjoy a little peek into my madness…or perhaps normalcy? I’m pretty sure you’ll agree with me. Actually I KNOW you will! My goal is to offend at least a few minority groups including Miley Cyrus fans, the French, hippies, hipsters, Twilight fans, bargain shoppers, and those with sticks up their extremely toight butts. | |||
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LESS MONEY. MORE FUNNY.
Thursday, August 5th, 2010by D. Znutts
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| There are too many overpaid comedians who have lost their spark or just weren’t that funny to begin with. They get too much money and then they lose all of their “funny.” Everyone knows Eddie Murphy is a prime example of this. I always hate to use the word “sellout” because if you say you wouldn’t take the money, you’re full of shit. The problem isn’t the actual money as much as it is complacency. Something happens to people when they get exorbitant amounts of money thrown at them. | We need more comedians who are actually talented, not just connected. We need comedians who keep the creativity, even after they’ve made it big. We also need variety in performances. Sorry, but if I see one more stale, deadpan Michael Cera performance, I think I’ll puke. OK, we get it. He’s awkward, his eyes are dead and he wears a mustache sometimes. Can we move on, please? I’m bored. I don’t want to pay $14 to see the same f*cking character in every movie. These guys are overpaid and predictable. | |||
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LESS PALIN. MORE PAC-MAN.
Tuesday, July 20th, 2010by D. Znutts
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| Ok, America, are we done yet? Are we done with the absurdity that is Sarah Palin? Every time I hear someone mention her as a potential 2012 presidential candidate, I shudder. I mean really, come on! I am all for women in politics (I’m on my way there eventually), but Sarah Palin? She has zero knowledge of public/foreign policy. The woman doesn’t even know what publications she reads! | Yep, Pac-Man. Why not? It’s not Palin and it’s AWESOME. Pac-Man is a total cultural phenomenon. Old folks and children alike all know Pac-Man. In fact, on the day Google put Pac-Man on its homepage, it received 504,703,000 unique visitors. An article followed, ‘The Tragic Cost of Google Pac-Man: 4.82 million hours,” which contained the following VERY impressive data: | |||
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LESS CIGS. MORE POT.
Friday, July 2nd, 2010by D. Znutts
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| D. Znutts is getting liberal this week. Now, I’ve never smoked a cigarette or pot. I prefer crack or PCP. Not really. In fact, I’ve always been pretty anti-drug. But I’m fed up with a couple of things. First, secondhand smoke. Second, California’s massive budget crisis and the billions being spent to prevent the smuggling of marijuana over the Mexican border. But we’ll get back to that second part later. | Like I said, I’ve never smoked pot. However, I do think the government should legalize it. At least in California. One, to solve the budget crisis. If California legalized and taxed marijuana, it would bring a great deal of revenue and tax dollars to the state. Second, we would stop wasting manpower on preventing weed smuggling from Mexico. Marijuana accounts for half of Mexico’s drug cartels. HALF. | |||
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LESS MULLET. MORE RATTAIL.
Tuesday, June 22nd, 2010by D. Znutts
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| I know what you’re thinking … “Znutts, WHAT in the world are you talking about?” For those of you uncool enough to not be in the know, they’re both hairdos. REALLY bad hairdos, to be exact. I’m sure now you’re thinking, “OK, Znutts, but how in the world are you going to write an entire article about something so inconsequential and petty?” And to that I say, the mullet and rattail are anything BUT inconsequential. Let me explain why. | The rattail is the mullet of the millennium. Sometimes mistaken for a mullet, it’s not. The rattail is truly its own beast, most notably because some versions you can rock at the office and still be taken quasi-seriously. The mullet does not have that diversity. You walk into a meeting sporting a full-blown mullet, you’re liable to have security called on you. However, sway in with a sweet rattail and you could be considered “hip” and “cool.” | |||
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LESS RAGING. MORE RELAXING.
Wednesday, June 2nd, 2010by D. Znutts
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| I’m just coming off of my first Hamptons vacation and I have to say, I have mixed feelings. Not about The Hamptons, per say, but about the modern vacation in general. When did “vacationing” equate to partying yourself into a drunken stupor, staying up all night and feeling like complete shizah the next day? What happened to the good ol’ days when vacationing meant relaxing, getting away from it all, and unwinding? I was hoping to do a little of that this weekend. | First, let’s start with the definition of vacation: a period of rest and freedom from work, study, etc.; time of recreation, usually a specific interval in a year. Spa massages, beaches, a delicious dinner, biking, hiking, golfing, poolside lounging. Yes. THAT is what a vacation should be. When, exactly, it went from “getting away” to “getting crazy” I have no idea. Things have gone terribly wrong. People now feel the more obliterated, wasted and crazy they get, the more “fun” they’re having. | |||
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LESS MEN. MORE ZEN.
Monday, May 10th, 2010by D. Znutts
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| As a LessThis writer, I like to think that I touch the hearts and minds of both men and women. I can’t help it, as one reader said, “D. Znutts has the charisma of a snake charmer.” And she didn’t mean only one-eyed trouser snakes, but real snakes. Like scary anacondas and black mambas, they’re like putty in my snarky little hands. However, this week, I’m telling men to f*ck off. | That’s right, ladies, the time has come for male detox. You’re clearly out of balance and in need for some you-time. And that can mean only one thing – your spa appointment is long overdue. Breathe. Relax. It’s time to treat yourself, to indulge, and to enjoy. A massage and a facial (hey now, not that kind.) ought to chill you out. Anything to get your mind off men. | |||
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LESS MOBILE. MORE MANNERS.
Thursday, May 6th, 2010by D. Znutts
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| Do not use. Your cell phone. In the middle. Of dinner. Or other inappropriate settings. I am 100% certain this is an annoyance that everyone on the planet shares. Well, except the clueless people who are guilty of such behavior. Is it really too much to ask folks not to do this? I was at a restaurant the other day and there was a couple texting away during their dinner. WTF? No wonder the divorce rate is somewhere around 50%. This behavior says to your partner “You are completely unimportant and uninteresting to me and I would rather engage in a battery-operated device than speak to you.” Ladies (and gentlemen?) let’s leave the battery-operated devices in the bedroom. I know what you’re thinking. Yes, that’s what I meant. And That’s What She Said. | Get a clue, everyone. I don’t give a crap if you’re on a deadline. When you’re in an intimate setting, simply leave the room or better yet, put the phone away. Is your bidness SO important that you can’t set aside one little hour to enjoy a decent meal and conversation? No one wants to hear what’s going on with your stock, your housekeeper or your itchy rash. Believe it or not, other people are trying to enjoy their dinner or wind down during the commute. Even if your date/wife is the least interesting person on the planet, never act like a complete jerk, even if you are one. Be aware of and considerate of those around you. If you stop for a second and think about what you’re doing, you can’t possibly say to yourself, “Yea, this isn’t bothering everyone around me right now.” | |||
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LESS WARS. MORE STAR WARS.
Tuesday, April 27th, 2010by D. Znutts
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| I was wondering… Can everyone just chill the f*ck out, already? Were the lessons of WWI, WWII, Vietnam, etc. lost on everyone? Enough with the religious squabbles, Napoleon complexes and inexplicable stupidity. Every nation and group is self-interested, but let’s deal with things diplomatically. Or die trying. | Anyone who’s anyone knows that any of life’s problems are pretty much solvable by watching Star Wars. If you’re caught in a jam with no way out, all you have to ask yourself is “What would Yoda do?” Seriously, the next time you feel your anger level rise, pretend you’re trying to stack rocks with only your mind. | |||
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LESS GURUS. MORE JOBS.
Monday, April 12th, 2010by D. Znutts
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| Newsflash: Social media is here to stay. And with it comes an infinite number of self proclaimed “gurus.” They’re everywhere! They’re on Twitter, Facebook, and Myspank. The most annoying of these people are the so called digital/internet media gurus. It seems the interwebs have taken narcissism to a whole new level. Now, a**holes like me can write ridiculous things about ridiculous topics (like farts) and get mass attention. Except that I don’t claim to be a guru. I’m just a broad with a sensible opinion. | No, not that Jobs. I mean real positions with real job titles. Really, anything will do – Janitor, Stripper, Ass-waxer, even Toll-booth Attendant – please just don’t call yourself a “guru.” Honestly, it just sounds f*cking ridiculous. The term is abused, overused, and has no meaning. Here’s some advice to people with 5,000 mutual Twitter followers: Stop guru’ing with one another all day long! I guarantee said guru’ing ceases beyond Twitter, which in essence makes it less of a job, and more of a pathetic attempt at validating the fact that you have no actual job. | |||
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LESS SHEEP. MORE BALLS.
Friday, April 2nd, 2010by D. Znutts
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| I don’t know about you, but I actually enjoy it when someone has an opinion independent from my own. I find people who agree on everything to be annoying (and possible Russian or Chinese spies). Yes, I know I am right quite often, and therefore people tend to be agreeable when I enter a room. It’s only natural. However, I will admit I do like to discuss provocative subjects, especially when my efforts arouse some sort of opinion or reaction. I find that banter actually stimulates my own growth, and it’s pretty fun to debate. Arouse, stimulate, see? Now you’re paying attention, aren’t you? | It’s true. I’ve got a long-standing history with pushing the envelope and challenging the status quo. They don’t call me D. Znutts for nothin’, but not everyone can mix it up like I can. You’ll probably end up in a bar fight, or worse, whereas I’m a smokin’ hot chick, and can usually charm my way outta trouble. Looks don’t matter though, standing up for what you believe usually pays more dividends than blending in like a wallflower. Passionate or knowledgeable about something? Then grow a set, and speak up for your beliefs! As the saying goes, “With great risk, comes great reward.” | |||
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LESS ASS. MORE ASSETS.
Tuesday, March 16th, 2010by D. Znutts
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| Mmm, I love me some eye candy every now and again. Ok, I like me A LOT of eye candy, all the time. Bare with me here, boys, mah ladies need some hottie-centric takes around here too.
When it comes to dating, what use is a great “package” if it’s solely comprised of the Adonis-like good looks? I’m from the land of beauty. No, not The Galapagos, but Los Angeles, California. Tinseltown, baby. Ahh, the City of Angels, where no one cares if you have the IQ of a squirrel, just so long as you’re hot and drive a nice car. Cringing? Appalled? Please. I’m not afraid to be the broad that will say what everyone else is afraid to. Social stigmas and flagrant generalizations are my specialty. |
When I say assets, I don’t necessarily mean financial assets (those don’t hurt). I don’t even mean being well-endowed (that CAN hurt, but in a good way). What I’m talking about are the redeemable qualities in addition to the looks. It’s true , Gentlemen. Any gal will tell ya, there’s no better combo than Ass and Assets.
Yup, we want the complete package. Looks, brains, humor, dong, the whole shabang. Sure, physical stats are important, but substance MUST be equally important. Ultimately, both sexes would be well served spend less time on their outward appearance, and more effort on improving their character and increasing their knowledge. |
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LESS HORNY. MORE HONESTY.
Wednesday, March 3rd, 2010by D. Znutts
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| My fellow contributor, the brilliant Uncle Peterstain, offered up an extremely provocative article last week (read first). Unfortunately for him, I’m D. Znutts (despite my gender-challenged name), a woman with the ability to hit my Uncle back ten times harder than he smacked down my ladies. I love office strife. Really, what better way to refute a chauvinist male than with the fact-based opinions of a “crazy” chauvinistic alpha-female? But don’t worry, Broseph, this is just business. We’ll smooth it over later by the water cooler.
Look, we all know that men have been led around by their testicles for centuries. Wait, let me rephrase that. Men have been led around by their testicles since the beginning of time. I know, I know, “men are genetically engineered to spread their seed.” Here’s an idea, if you guys want to cite genetics, how about some conscious EVOLUTION? You know, a learned progression of sorts, less of your Trouser Snake (and who it will uncontrollably strangle this week), and more honest ko-moon-i-kay-shun. |
Ask any woman what she wants most in a man, and 9 times outta 10 you’ll get the exact same reply. HONESTY. Men constantly whine that women are so complicated and demanding, but what we really want at the end of the day is a little bit of truth (which leads to trust).
Don’t like me anymore? Fine, break up with me. Please. Not only will you save yourself precious cashish (no more pointless dates), but you’ll also be saving your dignity. Don’t be a scumbag, and resort to cheating and lying about it. Need to sow your wild oats? Don’t want to be tied down? Fine. Go for it. Be as crazy as you want on your own time. No one’s here to judge, just don’t take any victims with you. Don’t get or stay married. Don’t lead someone to believe you’re committed to them when you’re not. Seems pretty simple, doesn’t it? Unfortunately, it’s not. Lack of integrity seems to be running rampant these days, it’s almost pseudo-acceptable to be a complete slimeball. Well, no more. I’m setting things straight. |
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LESS GINGER. MORE GINGER-FREE.
Monday, February 22nd, 2010by D. Znutts
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| The epidemic of spray-tanned, gingery-orange politicians is reaching Lohan-like proportions (Lindsay or Dina). We see it across the landscape, from moderate cases, like that State of The Union windbag, Gov. Bob McDonnell, to the most extreme and scariest example, The Governator, Arnold Schwarzenegger (Dude, you’re Austrian, you’re genetically predisposed to be pasty). It’s really disturbing, our pols are hitting the mystic tan a little too often, and we aren’t the only one’s noticing. Apparently fake-baking isn’t just for rehab-bound starlets and The Housewives of Orange County anymore. In the land of campaigning while still in office, politicians want to look just as glorious (aka hideous) as everyone else. | You may have noticed that Prince William recently woke up and finally ditched his ginger-blond hair color. On the recent cover of Britain’s HELLO! magazine, Will the Thrill flaunted his new chocolate colored, non-balding locks, and we naturally wondered… What the F took him so long?!
Clearly, the Prince’s hair is now several shades darker, but through the wonder of photoshop, the previously noticeable balding areas were also vanquished in favor of more thickness and lushness. None of that matters though, ask any man-lovin’ woman, and she’ll tell you, a CGI-assisted head of dark hair is vastly preferable to a natural head of the ginger! |
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