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| Fundamentalists. Extremists. Die-hards. We know them when we see them. They come in all sizes and shapes but one thing they have in common is that they’re all bat-shit crazy. Don’t try talking any sense to these people; they are so blinded by their dogmatic views that they will think that it’s you who needs your head straightened. This is all part of their strategy. Be strong. | Catnaps. Snoozing. Catching some Z’s. Whatever you call it, we need more of it. After all, we begin our lives with catnaps throughout the day until we get to school age. “Does not play well with others” is, most likely, a biological response to sudden nap withdrawal, which is known to induce symptoms such as irritability, fidgeting and randomly shouting the word “douchetard” during social studies. | |||
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Author Archive
LESS DOGMA. MORE CATNAPS
Wednesday, July 21st, 2010by Ms. Anne Threaup
LESS SHMOOZE. MORE BOOZE.
Monday, June 21st, 2010by Ms. Anne Threaup
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| There’s a reason “shmooze” rhymes with “snooze” and goes well with booze. Small talk is for small minds, verbal fluffernutter that can be easily digested, regurgitated and then forgotten. Besides, who wants to sit around talking about health care or the latest threat to the U.S. when the weather has been so lovely lately? | Let’s face it, there are some situations that call for more booze — happy hours, weddings, birthday parties, reunions, Mardi Gras, concerts, five-course meals, company picnics, long flights, graduations, playing poker, karaoke, brunch, beach vacations, football games, Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Communion, | |||
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LESS SMART PHONES. MORE SMART FOLKS.
Friday, June 11th, 2010by Ms. Anne Threaup
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| Remember the good old days when you could go somewhere without seeing idiots attached to their cell phones? These people − phone zombies – are attached to gadgets with names like “Droid” and “Storm“ and can be found everywhere. If they’re not talking on their phones, they’re typing on them − furiously updating their Facebook statuses with the juicy details of their kid’s latest filling. | People, put down the crack pipes and step away from your computers. Do you even remember what you were doing before you landed on this website? Try to think back. It was probably right after you scarfed down that nutritious to-go meal and before you went to check your gmail, but then you got distracted by an @reply on Twitter by a follower who called U out in an adorbz way. Zomg! | |||
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LESS KFC. MORE EMERGEN-C.
Tuesday, May 25th, 2010by Ms. Anne Threaup
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| The fact they don’t call it “chicken” should be your first clue. That it was founded by a Colonel who wasn’t really a Colonel and bears an uncanny resemblance to a plantation owner from the Old South should be another. Even unlikely bedfellows Pamela Anderson and the Dalai Lama agree that they would rather starve than eat there. Yet, KFC is America’s most popular fried chicken restaurant, with over 5,000 stores serving millions of customers daily. Do you have any idea how many genetically engineered chickens that is per day? | Heads up, alcoholics. Few things in life are certain: Death, taxes, and hangovers that get exponentially worse the minute you hit 30, even though you’ve traded in the Red Headed Sluts and Jagerbombs for single malt whiskey in an earnest attempt to avoid that throbbing headache that seems to hit the next day around 10 am when last night’s drunk, which made the early morning tolerable and at times even amusing, wears off and you hate the world again as much as you did yesterday, which is what drove you to drink in the first place. | |||
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LESS FIST-PUMP. MORE FIST-BUMP.
Wednesday, May 19th, 2010by Ms. Anne Threaup
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| Here’s the real Situation: People need to stop watching Jersey Shore. Seriously. When you know the names of all the kids on the show, including what they eat and who they f*ck (and the two are often interchangeable), then my hunch is you’re no longer watching the show to be ironic. What’s ironic is that you, a seemingly functional human being, find entertainment value in that hour-long train wreck of drunken drivel. | Remember back in 2008 when Americans were so misty-eyed and full of hope? Suddenly we had our own version of the Kennedys asking us to envision a Camelot, just within our reach. Presidential candidate Barack Obama and wife Michelle promised change to a country that had become jaded over the past eight years. It seemed only one thing would get us through the endless election buildup: The Fist Bump. | |||
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