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| Now that the wedding season is coming to a close, and I’ve had quite the dramatic summer myself with regard to relationships, I thought it fitting to talk about love and marriage and the way we oftentimes misunderstand the institution. Disclaimer: I am not married. But it’s something I have always idealized. However, the idealized notions are far removed from reality. Sure, sure there are a few marriages that are so awesome you just want to puke. I witnessed a wedding for one such couple just this summer. But most of us focus on what’s in it for us, as opposed to what we can contribute to the union. So the Prof is calling for less for better, more for worse. | With few exceptions, we all want that special someone to share our life with. And since mortality rates for single men and women are higher than married couples, methinks that a committed partner is a good thing. When “permanence” is part of the equation, most people tend be happier. That sense of permanence also allows us to focus on our own strengths and weaknesses and forge a better partnership. I am in no way suggesting that more “for worse” means you should stay in an abusive or neglectful marriage. But real commitment provides more opportunities for growth as a partner – and a person. | |||
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Posts Tagged ‘Relationships’
LESS FOR BETTER. MORE FOR WORSE.
Tuesday, August 17th, 2010by Professor Lecherous
LESS LAYING OUT. MORE GETTING IT ON.
Monday, July 26th, 2010by Sasha Sassalotski
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| It amazes me that in this day and age, I hear people talk about “working” on their tan. I just don’t get why, with all we know about the bad effects of sun exposure, the beauty standard for white people in this country is still to have a Coppertone tan. Sure, that sun-kissed beach look is great when you are 20. But all that sun in your youth only hastens wrinkles, sun spots and skin cancer when you are older. | Now, there is another way to get a healthy glow. It’s called sex, and if you do it right, safely and consensually, it can actually make you look and feel younger. If people would take some of that time they spend in the tanning bed and get in bed with a partner instead, we would see stronger relationships, less stress and happier people. A much better use of time and energy than worrying about your tan lines. | |||
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LESS DOLTS. MORE DOLPHINS.
Friday, May 14th, 2010by Mrs. Robinson
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| Three plus years into the post apocalypse of divorce and swimming in the bleak dating pool, I’ve had enough. At first I figured that among my many friends and acquaintances, someone might know a decent, single man to whom they could introduce me. Apparently not, so I ventured into online dating with trepidation and a huge sense of humor. Maybe was expecting too much, but mostly I met a bunch of dolts who looked nothing like their picture. | Let’s look at the balance sheet here. Clearly men, aka dolts, come up short in almost every way. Dolphins have more grace and intelligence. They’ve also got much smoother skin, too. And dolphins don’t troll dating sites, they just troll seabeds for tasty fish to eat. They are beautiful and delightful creatures that mesmerize and captivate people worldwide with their antics and humanity. Men don’t mesmerize or captivate, unless they’re gay. | |||
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LESS INVESTIGATION. MORE HUNCH.
Friday, April 23rd, 2010by The Clever Jew
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| I’m sure you’ve heard the news of the former Survivor producer whose wife turned up dead in Cancun not long after she confronted him about an extra-marital affair he was having. Well, now this classy producer is kicking up his heels, drinking margaritas, and enjoying fish tacos in 80 degree sunshine. The Mexican police are investigating the facts surrounding the poor woman’s death. That’s right, they’re investigating. Sleuthing. Sherlock Holmesing it up. La Policía surely must know what we all suspect, yet they are unable to pin the crime on the most obvious of culprits. I feel like I’ve heard this sad story before. Yes, I’m certain that I have. Déjà vu all over again. | Come on everyone, admit the obvious: the husband did it. The husband always does it (allegedly). We may joke about killing our spouses, but half the time husbands are serious – and they go through with it. There is something in their stupid brains that makes them believe that because they spent the last X years watching cop shows that they can probably get away with it. Cutting up the limbs and burying them in the snow is a fool-proof way to hide the body… right? This always works, unless you use your kid’s sled to drag their bloody corpse out to the woods. Ugh, when you return the sled to the garage it leaves an obvious blood trail until the snow melts. | |||
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LESS POKING. MORE PHONING.
Thursday, April 8th, 2010by Chairman of the Bored
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| At first glance it may seem innocuous enough, but the ubiquitous Facebook “poke” feature is starting to reach cataclysmic proportions. Communication has degraded into some kind of cyber ping-pong: You like-me? I-like-you You-like-me? I-like-you ad infinitum. As a staff, we didn’t grow up in the most chivalrous of ages, so that’s probably why haven’t really noticed or been bothered by the migration of human interaction to online platforms. Surely, chatting, IM’ing, and texting is how we roll too, but from a romantic perspective, it’s rather disconcerting. | With all the mobiles floating around nowadays, you’d think there would be more phone calls. And yet, all we see are people tapping away on their iPhones for hours on end. They also take a lot of pictures (of food, dogs, houseplants, gardens, and genitals). Sometimes they even blast the latest Timberlake single. But talking? Seems like only banker dudes engage in that tomfoolery. “Buy! Sell! Call me in Hong Kong!” Even Tiger Woods preferred texting to talking. Technically, that was sexting, but that point gets lost in translation, because no one talks to one another anymore anyway! | |||
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LESS HORNY. MORE HONESTY.
Wednesday, March 3rd, 2010by D. Znutts
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| My fellow contributor, the brilliant Uncle Peterstain, offered up an extremely provocative article last week (read first). Unfortunately for him, I’m D. Znutts (despite my gender-challenged name), a woman with the ability to hit my Uncle back ten times harder than he smacked down my ladies. I love office strife. Really, what better way to refute a chauvinist male than with the fact-based opinions of a “crazy” chauvinistic alpha-female? But don’t worry, Broseph, this is just business. We’ll smooth it over later by the water cooler.
Look, we all know that men have been led around by their testicles for centuries. Wait, let me rephrase that. Men have been led around by their testicles since the beginning of time. I know, I know, “men are genetically engineered to spread their seed.” Here’s an idea, if you guys want to cite genetics, how about some conscious EVOLUTION? You know, a learned progression of sorts, less of your Trouser Snake (and who it will uncontrollably strangle this week), and more honest ko-moon-i-kay-shun. |
Ask any woman what she wants most in a man, and 9 times outta 10 you’ll get the exact same reply. HONESTY. Men constantly whine that women are so complicated and demanding, but what we really want at the end of the day is a little bit of truth (which leads to trust).
Don’t like me anymore? Fine, break up with me. Please. Not only will you save yourself precious cashish (no more pointless dates), but you’ll also be saving your dignity. Don’t be a scumbag, and resort to cheating and lying about it. Need to sow your wild oats? Don’t want to be tied down? Fine. Go for it. Be as crazy as you want on your own time. No one’s here to judge, just don’t take any victims with you. Don’t get or stay married. Don’t lead someone to believe you’re committed to them when you’re not. Seems pretty simple, doesn’t it? Unfortunately, it’s not. Lack of integrity seems to be running rampant these days, it’s almost pseudo-acceptable to be a complete slimeball. Well, no more. I’m setting things straight. |
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